Black Swan Trailer, or "Natalie Portman, What Is Up With Your Shoulders?"

Black Swan won't even be in the theaters until December, but a far-off release date can't stop this dedicated Splogger from bringing you the lowdown. And lo and behold, there's an official trailer! Let's see what we can figure out from two minutes and nine seconds of weirdness.

First off, we see a beautiful prima ballerina on a pitch-black stage. She's dancing en pointe (which, in case you don't know, is WICKED HARD), and a lone spotlight follows her. Right now, we're at CreepFactor 2, which elevates slightly when Natalie Portman's breathy voice-over kicks in.

"I had the craziest dream last night, about a girl who was turned into a swan...but her prince falls for the wrong girl and...she kills herself."

And...CreepFactor 5.

Cut to a massive ballet company practicing up against the barre. Natalie Portman is rocking it, and while she's clearly the most awesome and elegant of the bunch, Vincent Cassel (the severe artistic director) seems kind of unimpressed. Natalie tells her mom (BARBARA HERSHEY! YAY!) that Vincent has promised to showcase her more, and Babs is like, "Damn straight. You're mommy's perfect little underappreciated ballerina. Now let me comb your hair again and save your dead skin flakes in this jar."  And with that, we bump up to CreepFactor 5.5.

Now, we're at a fancy ballet party where Vincent announces that Natalie has hit the big time: she's the new Swan Queen! (Howard Hughes/Mom is going to be thrilled.) Enter Mila Kunis, a hotty-patotty rival ballerina. Suddenly, disapproving Vincent is all starry-eyed, and giving Natalie advice like: "Ease up, Ice Queen. Just look at Mila. She's sexy. She's she's beautiful. She's flexible. She's...did anyone else's pants just get really tight?" All of a sudden, Vincent's alternately yelling at Natalie and touching her in a way that could either be really suggestive or just what dancers do. (I've  taken one ballet class in my life. Sue me.) Mila teases Natalie about being "hot for teacher" and Natalie awkwardly deflects the comment. Then, we randomly cut to a shot of Natalie's back, which has SCRATCH MARKS all over it. (I'm all, "No way Vincent did that, right? Because, if so, dude needs a manicure.") Mom's trying to figure out where the cuts came from while angrily cutting the fingernails of a newly-showered Natalie.

CreepFactor 8.

Cut back to the ballet rehearsal space. What's Mila doing there, and why is she wearing the Swan Queen outfit? Oh, no she did NOT. As it turns out, Vincent's named Mila as Natalie's alternate, and Natalie is P-I-pissed! As she stands in front of the huge rehearsal mirror, we hear Vincent's voice-over:

"The only person standing in your way is you."

This would be slightly less weird if Natalie's reflection DIDN'T TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT HER! REFLECTIONS ARE DEFINITELY NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

CreepFactor 12.

Now, we're into the bizarre meat of things. We see a bunch of intentionally weird ballet images, and then Mila, who seems to be stalking Natalie. Natalie thinks that Mila is "after" her, but we cut back and forth between shots of Natalie being scared and Natalie and Mila getting sex-ay and sucking face. (What?) And now for the carousel of crazy! Masks! A rave! Dance practice! Portraits of screaming faces! Mattress humping! Mirrors breaking! Mom screams, "What happened to my sweet girl?" and Natalie screams back, "SHE'S GONE."

CreepFactor 14.

And just in case we weren't freaked out enough, we get a final glamor shot of Natalie prying something out of the scratches on her shoulder blades. She examines it with eyes so glassy and red, she could be the mascot for those Above the Influence commercials. And what is it? What came out of her back? It looks a little like lint until we realize that it's a BLACK FEATHER. A gnarled, tiny BLACK FEATHER.

CreepFactor 1,000,000. Thanks, director Darren Aronofsky. We'll sleep again sometime next decade.

Shall we just go ahead and put this one under "Movies We Pretty Much Don't Want to See"? Or are you intrigued? Tell us immediately or we'll make more weird ballet stuff happen.

Related post: See more of Rachel's hilarious movie reviews HERE