Auntie SparkNotes: Age-Discrepant Mingling

Sure, this post is great, but we really just want to know how Auntie SparkNotes learned to draw alligators so well.—Sparkitors

Hello, Auntie Sparknotes.
I was hoping you could give me advice about some issues. I've just changed schools, and for some reason, I've found myself surrounded by friends in the grades below me. It's not that I don't like them; it's just that, for some reason, they gravitate towards me to the point that they join my classmates and I while we're sitting down at lunch, or talking outside. Since most other people in my grade don't spend time with the younger students, it gets embarrassing, especially because now I've begun to be ostracized because the people in my class think of me as '"one of the little kids." They aren't really little kids, either; they're only two or three years younger, and I'm a mid-teenager, but there's a clear difference between us. I do want to stay friends with the younger students, but I'm trying to find a way to distance myself from them, just for breathing space. It seems like some of them never leave me alone.

There's another thing that makes it difficult. Some of the younger students who cling to me are those who don't have any other friends. One in particular is completely excluded by all her class, despite being sweet and quiet. I was nice to her, and liked her enough to become her friend, but ever since I invited her to do something outside of school together ONCE, she simply won't back off. My classmates don't really enjoy her company (some outright hate her for being annoying), and I'm getting worried about how our friendship affects my other relationships. I thought that this problem would tone down now that she's moved back to her home country, but she persists in claiming me as her BFF—on FACEBOOK, of all places, where everyone can see—and I don't know how I can fix the problem now. I feel like I've been leading her on, because she thinks I'm her best friend when she isn't mine. I know that the title "best friend" should not necessarily matter—friends are friends—but it does to her, and she makes a big deal out of it.

I feel like a crook for both of these issues. How do I (a) gently send the message to my younger friends that I would like to spend time with friends my own age and (b) how do I ask an especially vulnerable friend to back off without hurting her feelings when I'm her only, and, according to her, best friend?

Well, first of all, you shouldn't feel like a crook. So before we get to the meat of your question, why don't you put on this Richard Nixon mask and do your best garbled shout of, "I am not a crook! I am NOT a crook!" until it feels real to you.

Assuming you're not in public, I mean. That would just be weird.

Okay, now about those problems: First of all, you should know that this is a pretty common issue for any friendship in which there's a serious inequality between the respective parties' maturity levels. And while the younger students aren't necessarily "little kids," and there will come a time when you can hang out with people a couple years younger without even noticing the difference, your mid-teenage years are not an easy time for age-discrepant mingling. Because the truth is that at your age, a two-to-three-year gap isn't necessarily just numerical—it can mean some pretty major differences. Like, say, the difference between "middle school newbie" and "high school sophomore."

Or between "getting to stay up until 10 o'clock" and "getting to drive a car."

Or between, "Ohmagawd, puberty!" and "Ohmagawd you guys, I went out with Robbie Gropemonger on Saturday night and he touched! My! BOOB!"

So basically, while it isn't exactly nice that your class is cold-shouldering you due to your cadre of clingy middle-schoolers, it does make sense in a bummer, crappy-fact-of-life kind of way. And if you're going to have good relationships with people your own age, you do need to set some boundaries. Here's how.

1. Talk to your younger friends. Do it privately first—you don't want to humiliate them, just get them to back off. Say something like, "Hey, I like hanging out with you, but I need to be able to spend solo time with my other friends too and talk about private stuff with them. So when I'm hanging out with them at lunch, that's not really a good time for you to come sit with us. Okay?"

And then, if one of them approaches you when you'd like to be left alone, just turn to them and nicely, quietly say, "Hey, this isn't a good time for me. I'll talk to you later, okay?" (And then make good on it — for instance, by carving out a few minutes at the end of the period to say hello.)

The bad news is that yes, this is going to be a little awkward, and yes, they might be a little hurt. But it's really important that you say something—not just for your own peace of mind, but because learning to recognize and respect appropriate boundaries is a vital part of learning the social ropes. Nobody wants to be seen as annoying, clingy, and overeager, and by gently letting these hyper-persistent kids know that they're overstepping, you'll be saving them from continued social awkwardness.

2. Let your classmates know that you get it. You don't have to sell out your relationships with the younger kids, but you've gotta let your peers know that you're not oblivious to the problem. Just say something like, "Look, even though I'm friendly with them, I know it's a drag to have eighth graders hovering over us all the time. I've talked to them about it and hopefully they'll cool it, but bear with me in the meantime while I'm trying to get the message across, okay?"

No matter how annoying the young 'uns are, unless your friends are a-holes, they'll be able to grit their teeth through the occasional interruption.

And finally, some really good news: Your overseas Facebook friend problem... well, isn't. Not really. Just let it be, respond to her messages when you feel like it, and ignore the ones that make you uncomfortable. Friendships in which one party is more invested than the other are just part of life, and it's nobody's fault—and since she's in another country, you can count on time, distance, and (eventually) a little maturity on her part taking care of it. In the meantime, her one-sided proclamations of your best-friendship-forever don't reflect on you or have any bearing on your relationships with other people; they just make her look lonely and a little desperate, which she probably is.

And since that's the case, the kind thing to do is just wait it out. (If she hasn't cooled it in a month or so, come back and we'll try something else.)

Dealing with your own age-discrepant clingmeister? Tell us in the comments! And to get in touch with Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com or check her out on Facebook.