Chapter Nine: Sure as Hell Didn't See That One Coming
Bella's Title: Shadows of the Inamorata Passioned into the Shadows of Lust
We're still in the mind of Jacob, and I like his gutsy attitude, but I question his tactics. He wants to kill the Cullens, especially Edward. But he goes about it all wrong. He just marches over to their house, looking for a fight. No. No. No. That will never work. Jacob, you need a better plan.
First, dig a big pit in the woods. Then build a small, but adequate high school in the bottom of the pit. The Cullens love high schools. Why else would they keep attending high school for decades and decades? High school to the Cullens is like a porch light to a moth, or pancakes to a Dan Bergstein. They can't resist it. With the school in place, this is what will happen:
ALICE: I smell a high school!
ROSALIE: Huzzah! Let's go find it and sign up for classes!
JASPER: I'm going to take Physics again because kinetic energy is my life!
EDWARD: I can't decide what electives to take?! I'm so excited that I would pee my pants if I was capable of producing urine. School is cool!
EMMETT: Y'all are idiots. This is a trap. I'm going home to make bullets out of the fingers of my enemies.
JASPER: High school is so much fun because all we do is stick together and refuse to interact with the other kids. Thus, our high school experience makes little, if any, sense.
ALICE: I hope my locker is inconveniently located! I love that!
And then, with all the Cullens in the pit (except Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle), Jacob just needs to fill the pit with a corrosive acid and then watch the vampires melt. Then he can go kill the weak and fancy Carlisle and Esme.
And then he can befriend Emmett and the two can form a band and go on tour and be my friends and we can all live together in a this house that we'll call "The Danger Dome" and we will stay up late playing video games and having Nerf battles and then on the weekends we'll go to amusement parks and baseball games and my hair will be really cool and no one will make fun of me and I will never cry ever again!
See? Isn't that a better plan?
But Jacob's plan is to ring the Cullen's doorbell and say, "Let's fight." He knows he will probably die, but if he can at least kill Edward, he will die happy. Before leaving, he talks with his dad, who doesn't think this is a good idea. But Jake hops on his motorcycle, and rides off.
He arrives at the Cullen house, and hears "angry murmurs" from inside the home. That's odd. When I perform my avant-garde dance routines, I go by the name Angry Murmurs. (You can see my latest dance "This Is How Stairs Feel" performed in the mall parking lot. But bring a plastic tarp, because it does get messy.)
Before Jacob even touches the door, it swings open, and he is greeted by Carlisle, who says it's not a good time for a visit. After some angry murmuring in the background, it's clear that Bella wants to see her second choice husband.
Inside, all the Cullens are lined up near Bella, who is sitting on the couch. Jake notices that Edward looks awful, like someone just called him fat and then kicked him in the shins. Bella doesn't look much better, but her appearance is less sad than sickly. There are dark circle under her eyes, her pale skin is slick with sweat, and she's very thin and frail. (i.e. She looks like any female cast member of a Tim Burton film.)
Jake is surprised to see that of all the vampires, Rosalie is the one taking care of Bella, as the others just watch. Rose gives Bella a bucket, and Mrs. Cullen-Swan barfs passionately into it.
Bella apologizes and Sad Edward falls on his knees by her side like a first-year drama student who hasn't learned what "subtlety" means. Jacob approaches and asks what's wrong and why Bella looks like zombie.
Bella says she's glad Jacob came to visit, and with help from Rose, she stands up and shows Jacob her impressive baby bump.
Stop everything. We need to talk about this. Doesn't Bella's pregnancy need to be kept secret? If Charlie found out, he would go insane, and he would probably uncover the truth about the Cullens. That means the Volturi would come to town and kill everyone. Knowing all this, Bella The Genius thinks telling Jacob is a super terrific thing to do. Huh?
Jacob's a nice guy, but a werewolf can't keep secrets. The moment he turns into a wolf, the other wolves will know about Bella, which means Charlie would find out in about ten minutes. How could he not find out? His only friends, beside the television and memories of his shattered love life, are werewolves and werewolf family members. Congratulations Bella, you just killed your father, the Cullens, and everyone else in Forks.
Bella is once again ignoring all logic for the sake of being an over-dramatic attention hog. Or, more likely, Stephenie Meyer didn't expect her readers to actually remember the rules of vampires and werewolves.
At first, Jacob doesn't understand why Bella's body looks strange. Then he realizes that she's pregnant and, like the rest of us, can't figure out how she could be that pregnant in just one month.
He also realizes that this demon child is killing her, and making her sick. The thought that Edward did this to her makes him crazy, and he wants to kill Edward right away. But Jasper and Emmett step in and stop a fight from breaking out.
It's Emmett! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I'm making you a mix CD of songs I think you'll really like. I'm also making you a mix DVD of all my favorite episodes of The West Wing and Golden Girls. And I'm making you a mix book, filled with my favorite words such as "cider," "knuckles," and "light saber." And I'm making you a mix quilt made of all my favorite types of fabric (lots of denim!). And I'm making you a mix cereal that contains all my favorite cereals (I know you don't eat cereal, but you can still smell it). And I'm making you a mix dog made using DNA from my favorite dogs (and one lucky hamster). This is going to be the best Columbus Day ever!
Jacob doesn't care that the odds are stacked against him. He knows he will be killed, but also knows he can take out a few of the vampires in the process. Edward tells Jacob that they'll handle this outside and the two Bella-addicts head out the door.
Jacob doesn't like the way Edward looks. Eddie is too sad and down in the dumps. Awwww. Poor, poor Edward. And then someone else must take over narrating this book, because it sure as hell isn't Jacob. Jacob would never have the following thought:
For a second I was just a kid—a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town. Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more, to ever understand the searing agony in Edward's eyes.
Jacob would not think that. Maybe E-Rock took over the narration. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer held a contest and the winner could write one paragraph of this book, and the contest ended in a tie between Nicholas Sparks and John Mayer. That's the only explanation I have for that paragraph.
Even if Edward looked sad, and even if Jacob felt a bit sorry for him, Jake wouldn't stop everything to think this thought. He wouldn't sympathize with Edward. He came here to kill him. He came here to rip his head off and eat his feet. If Jacob suddenly felt bad for Edward, he wouldn't stand there writing awful prose. That paragraph should have been written as such:
Edward was all like, "Waaah. I suck because I'm a big baby who sucks and has no friends." Whatever. I'll leave the big baby alone and come back later to kill him and eat his feet, because that's how I roll. What-what!
As bad and silly as Jacob's thoughts are, the chapter gets even worse. Eddie and Jacob's conversation becomes too goofy for words, so let's describe it as a flavor. The conversation becomes salty licorice.
Edward knows that Bella's pregnancy is his fault, and the thought literally brings him to his knees. So Edward is now kneeling before Jacob. Kick him in the chin, Jacob! Give him a karate chop to the eye! Do something!
Edward tells him that the child is killing Bella. Jake asks why Carlisle doesn't remove the child before it destroys Bella, and Edward says Bella won't allow it.
Again, I'm not going to talk about abortion. Instead, here's a poem I wrote about Zebras.
By Daniel Adam Bergstein
Never ever fret, when making Zebra stew.
If your run of zebra meat, a normal horse will do.
And if a substitute for Zebra milk is what you desire,
Add garlic to some dog milk, and let it simmer on the fire.
Jacob asks why the vampires are sitting around and letting Bella call the shots. They could easily sedate her, and then remove the baby/demon. Sad Edward says Bella called Rosalie from their honeymoon island, and when Edward and Bella returned home, Bella ran into Rose's arms. Now Rose is acting as Bella's protector and BFF (Bella Fetus deFender).
We all know Rose wants a baby. It makes sense that she's protective of Bella. But since she's the only one supporting Bella, it could make things a tad awkward in the future. When the baby is about 10 years old (which should happen in the next few weeks), I'd hate to be around when it starts asking the tough questions.
OPTIMUS BEYONCE: Hey daddy, can I ask you a question? Aunt Rose says you didn't want me to be born.
OPTIMUS BEYONCE: Do you love me?
EDWARD: No. You made mommy very sick and sweaty. I will never forgive you for that.
OPTIMUS BEYONCE: OK. By the way, why does Uncle Quil lurk outside my window?
EDWARD: I'm not sure. I think he just really enjoys windows.
Bella and Rose want this child to be born, and there is nothing Edward can do about it, except ask Jacob to have sex with his wife.
You'll probably need a moment to absorb that information. Go ahead and stare out at the lake. It helps.
Using Edward-Logic, if Bella can have a safe baby with Jacob, she might be willing to get rid of the demon baby currently living in her guts. Edward wants to pimp out Bella to Jacob. He wants Jacob to have sex with her, and give her a child, a child that won't kill her. He wants his wife to make sweet love to another man. And, according to Edward The Wise, this should solve all their problems.
This doesn't make sense. It doesn't even make Twilight-sense. How would this make Bella feel better? She wants the child that's in her guts right now. She doesn't want any other baby. She, foolishly, wants Optimus Beyonce. Is Edward trying to pull one over on Bella? Is he gong to swap out the fetuses or something? She can tell the difference between Optimus Beyonce and some werewolf baby, Edward. She's an idiot, but she's not that dumb.
If Edward babysat my goldfish, and the goldfish died, he would try to replace it with a different goldfish and hope I didn't notice the swap, and if I noticed the difference, he would force me to have sex with a werewolf.
Jacob doesn't quite understand what Edward is offering. After Edward explains it again and again, Jake's mind doesn't know how to process this. I know how to process this. You change into a wolf, chew off Edward's head, and then hop on your motorcycle and ride to my house for pancakes.
Instead, Jake thinks about living out his fantasy of having children (and special hugs) with Bella. Edward pleads with him again and again. Jake must at least ask Bella to have sex in exchange for giving up Optimus.
Jacob hates the ideas, not because it's crude, chauvinistic, and all-around creepy. He hates the thought of Bella saying no, and doesn't want to be rejected by Bella again.
Hey Edward, if Jake says no, you can probably get Mike Newton to bone your beloved. If he's busy, you can ask E-rock. Or pay one of the thugs in Port Angeles to get the job done. Or put a Dora the Explorer backpack on Bella, toss her into Quil's room, and see what happens.
I hate Edward.
And then, out of nowhere, Jacob agrees to this deal.
I dislike Jacob.
Murmurs: 1 (Book total: 20)
Mutters: 0 (Book total: 13)
Rosalie and Bella talk about babies.
ROSALIE: Eeeeee! Aren't you so super jazzed about having a baby!?
BELLA: Totally! Although it sucks that I'm dying inside.
ROSALIE: Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. I'll make you some soup later.
BELLA: Thanks. You're the best, Rose.
ROSALIE: No problem, Belly. I just can't wait for you to give me your baby.
ROSALIE: I thought you were going to give me your baby.
BELLA: Why would you think that?
ROSALIE: You didn't get me a Christmas present last year. And you know I really want a baby. So…
BELLA: You're not getting my baby. And I gave you an iPod for Christmas, so shut up.
ROSALIE: Pfff. An iPod Nano. That doesn't count. That's like giving me socks.
BELLA: You can't have my baby. It's mine. I made it!
ROSALIE: Come on. Quit being such a jerk.
ROSALIE: We can share, can't we? I can have it every other day.
BELLA: No deal!
ROSALIE: I'll give you $50 and my lava lamp.
ROSALIE: I'll give you $65 and a Starbucks gift card that still has, like, $13 on it.
ROSALIE: And I'll teach you how to lace your shoes in that cool, sideways manner.
BELLA: I'll think about.
ROSALIE: Hey Bella, look over there! Edward's bending over and you can see his butt!
[With Bella distracted, Rosalie leans in towards Bella's stomach and whispers]
ROSALIE: I'm your mommy. I'm your mommy. This is your mommy's voice. I'm your mommy.
BELLA: Edward's butt is neat! *sigh*
Catch up with Dan's other loamazing Blogging Twilight posts here.