Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 8
Chapter Eight: Waiting for the Damn Fight to Start Already
Bella's Title: Concupiscence
Jacob! The middle section of this book shifts focus, and instead of listening to Bella yap about how her life is worse than hell despite the fact that she gets everything she wants, we hear the story is told from Jacob's point of view. And that means the chapter titles are actually fun. So, for this section of the book, I will not include a "better title" but instead will include what I think Bella would name the chapter.
This section begins with a one-sentence preface in which Jacob says his life is crappy. It's not very Earth-friendly of the publisher to waste an entire page on this thought. It’s like killing a baby tree. That's why I took the liberty of illustrating this page with a picture of a bear that has tentacle arms flying over a turtle winning a limbo competition.
The "real" chapter begins on the next page, and it's a bit confusing at first. I was anticipating more talk of Bella's pregnancy, though I suspect by this point the three-week-old fetus is now a 90-lbs. person who manages the local Aeropostale.
Jacob is hanging out at his house with fellow werewolf Paul. It's been so long since the wolves were featured in the story that I forgot some of their names. Plus, there are new werewolves in the pack. I forget their names too. So let's call them Dan and Bergstein.
Paul has imprinted on Jacob's sister Rachel. I also forgot that Jacob had a sister. After Paul used his imprintmanshipping powers on Rachel, the two fell in love forever and ever. It's lovely and wonderful, just like Quil and Claire's relationship, except Paul fell in love with a college student and Quil is dating someone who thinks Spongebob can see her through the TV. (Much, much more on Quil in a few paragraphs.)
With Paul and Rachel in love, Paul spends a lot of time at Jacob's place, and Jacob isn't too thrilled. Paul and Jacob get into a typical dude fight, and Jacob breaks Paul's nose. Since they're werewolves, Paul heals himself, and everyone is cool again.
Question: If you sliced off a werewolf's leg, would it grow back? And then, would the severed leg grow another body? Or would his severed leg hop back to his body and reconnect itself? And where does a werewolf's tail go? And how can we be sure that birds can't read our minds? (The last one isn't about Twilight, but deals with a genuine fear I have.)
Jacob would rather be alone right now. He knows that Bella is about to become a vampire soon, and is bummed out. He wonders what the Cullens will use as a cover story. Will they tell everyone she died? Such news would devastate the town. After all, Bella touched the lives of so many people in Forks. No, wait. Never mind. Since she moved to town two years ago, Bella only talked to, like, three people besides the Cullens. I'm sure the town will get along just fine without her.
If Bella is killed in the process, or even if she is successfully transformed, it still means the Cullens broke the peace treaty, which states that biting of any kind is prohibited. So Jacob is looking for a fight, and hates waiting around for the battle to begin. I was ticked off at Jacob for being too sad, but I like this aggressive Jake. Can I sign up for Team Jacob again? When are the tryouts this year? Can I use last year's jersey? Pick me, I'm good. I promise to bring Hawaiian Punch and orange slices for the entire team during Twilight tournaments.
Bored out of his mind, he walks down to the beach, and finds Quil and Claire on a date. I really shouldn't mock Quil too much because we learn that Claire is now three years old, so it's far less creepy that he's dating her. (Sarcasm hand raised so high and so fast that it broke the sound barrier, making a sonic boom loud enough that it ripped my eyebrows out of my head.)
I've made a lot of jokes about Quil, but nothing I have ever written is as entertaining as this section of the chapter. And by entertaining, I mean nightmarish.
Quil is on a date with a three-year-old. *sigh*
[Note: At this point, Dan slowly got out of his chair, walked to the window, and gazed out at the sunset. After rubbing his eyebrow-less face with his hands and whispering something that sounded like, "I just can't…" he returned to his desk.]
QUIL IS ON A DATE WITH A THREE-YEAR-OLD?!
The two lovebirds are playing on the beach. Alone. Claire's wonderful mom, who thinks it's wise to let her daughter date shirtless teenaged boys, is away, probably buying crystal meth for underprivileged kids while feeding lead paint to puppies. We get the impression that Quil spends most of his free time "babysitting" little Claire. I…I don't know what to say.
Their relationship has always been funny. But now that we actually see Claire talking to her boyfriend with real lines of dialogue such as, "Cwaire pway wid Qwil awwwl day," it's less funny than it is unnerving.
"Cwaire pway wid Qwil awwwl day." That's an actual sentence in this book. I didn't make that up. It's real.
[Note: At this point while writing, Dan slowly got out of his chair, went to the lake, and sat on the bench for several hours. A concerned friend found him there, and asked what was wrong. Dan, still staring out at the water, replied, "Why is this happening. She's three! I'm so cold. Yet I'm sweating. Make her stop talking, man. Her words make it worse. Why is this happening?"
His friend said, "There's nothing you can do, Dan. It's Twilight." He gave Dan a cup of coffee and drove him home. Dan spent the rest of the night listening to Enya music, and drawing a picture of bear with tentacle arms to help him relax.]
It's just a story. It's just a story. It's just a story.
Jacob is jealous of Quil's relationship, because heseems to have it all. Jake says that Quil isn't like most adults who would become annoyed after spending a few hours with a three-year-old. Quil seems to enjoy it. He never gets frustrated or bored. It's sweet. And do you know why Quil has a good time? It's because he's a pedophile. It's sweet.
Claire and Quil play with rocks on the beach, and Jacob asks if Quil ever thought about dating someone his own age and letting Clair grow up. When Claire is a bit older, perhaps after she masters the color green and understands that fire is hot, Quil can start dating her again.
Quil says he only has eyes for Claire, and he's not interested in any other woman. Awww. What a lovely sentiment. See, folks, it's OK because they're in love. Well, Quil is in love. Claire is just going along with it because he probably gives her fruit snacks. Isn't love grand?
Wolf Sam interrupts the passionate game of "dump rocks on the ground," by howling. The guys need to turn into wolves to find out what's going on. But since Claire's mom is out vandalizing churches and burglarizing retirement communities, Quil must first drop his date off at the Clearwater house, where Sue can look after her.
Meanwhile, Jacob runs into the forest, takes off his denim shorts, and reveals his strong, toned body. His sweaty, glistening muscles grab each ray of light like an enchanting mirror begging you to stare into its smooth, perfect surface. His torso looks like a sculpture of chocolate and butter that you just want to…um, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Jacob turns into a wolf and runs to meet Sam. By the way, aren't girls super pretty? Yep.
As he runs, the other werewolves share mind-thoughts. They bicker and tease one another. Wolf Leah and Wolf Jacob race to the meeting. He digs his nails "into the loam" and runs off. Loam? Really? Loam means dirt, or earth. (I just Googled it.) But why use that word? Better question: Why would Jacob use that word? The only people to use the word loam are hoity-toity writers who think they're cool, or people with speech impediments asking for a loan or foam.
At the meeting, Seth tells everyone that Charlie is upset. Carlisle called Charlie and told him that Bella has come down with a "rare disease" while in South America and she must be quarantined. (Anyone else notice that the names Charlie and Carlisle are similar? I'm surprised Jacob's dad's name isn't Chisels, Char-Island, or Car-chase.) Jacob, perched on the loam, suspects that this means Bella has been transformed and the Cullens have begun using a cover story, not knowing that the real reason Bella is hiding is that she's pregnant with a fetus who probably already has armpit hair.
Jacob, while standing on the loam, argues that this means war. The treaty has been violated, so they should all kill the Cullens. The other werewolves, all of whom are on loam, don't see it that way. They don't think the Cullens are a threat. And the treaty says nothing about a human who wishes to be bitten. So Sam says everyone should just chill out.
Jacob, remaining on the loam, doesn't like this, and he bounds away, running across the loam urgently. After a while, he transforms back into a human, walks up the loamy road to his house, and thinks about his plan to kill the Cullens.
Murmurs: 0 And with Edward and Bella off at Lamaze class, we may not get more murmurs for a while. (Book Total: 19)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 13)
Quil and Jacob have a heart-to-heart conversation.
JACOB: I think it's weird and gross that you love a three-year-old. You're being a skeevy loam-bag.
QUIL: But we're in love, so it's OK.
JACOB: Good point.
QUIL: I suppose you think it's wrong that I robbed the bank, too.
JACOB: Well, yeah.
QUIL: But I love robbing banks. Robbing banks makes me feel good and happy. How dare you get in the way of my happiness?! It's not illegal if you're in love, Jacob.
JACOB: I'm not sure I follow that logic.
QUIL: It's like the time I ate broken glass. You said I was moron. But I said I love the way glass tastes. And because I was in love with the taste of glass, nothing bad happened when I ate it.
JACOB: You went to the hospital. They had to make a new throat for you out of horse intestines. You couldn't talk for three years. And now your breath always smells like horse farts.
QUIL: But I'm still alive, right? That's because love guided me. If you love something, it isn't wrong at all.
JACOB: I kind of hate you and everything about you.
QUIL: I also love the way it feels to shove old people down the stairs, and I love committing treason, and selling tainted milk to school districts, and smuggling endangered animals into the country for the purposes of eating them, and talking loudly during movies, and…
Our favorite part was "loam-bag." And yours??
Catch up with Dan's other loamazing Blogging Twilight posts here.