The Ellie Report: Teenage Dream=Skintight Jeans and Jedi Knights
Ellielikespie, you get funnier every week. It's like you have some sort of hilarity-related disease. AND WE WANT TO CATCH IT. Man, do we ever. —Sparkitors
After chronicling my journey into the Wonderful World of Bieber, I realized that I have a penchant for writing about quasi-talented pop stars. They sing, they dance, they make barely tolerable music about adolescent lust—and I love every moment of it. Bieber was the first diva I tackled (not literally, alas), but as it turns out I'm clueless about loads of popular crooners. In an effort to torture myself, I have decided to become THE authority on all things pop-culture-related; hence, today I will blog about a singer as popular and overplayed as Bieber: Katy Perry. Her latest tune is Teenage Dream, and since I am both a teenager and a dreamer, I am clearly the perfect candidate to perform a painful, play-by-play analysis of the song. Here we go:
0:00: I hope she covers a wide range of social issues. Perhaps the ongoing situation in Darfur…
0:07: Clearly I’ve set my expectations too high.
0:14: "You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong." I hate to break it to you, Katy, but nobody thinks it’s funny when you tell the punch line wrong. Your boyfriend is either lying to you or has no concept of humor. Seeing as you’re engaged to Russell Brand, I’m assuming it is the former. Maybe you guys should invest in a relationship therapist.
0:30: He brought you to life? Are you dating a genie? That’s marvelous! Can he do the same for my Aunt Edna? I have some questions as to why Shelly got a sizable inheritance and I got nothing. Shelly thinks the Jersey Shore kids are good role models, for Bieber's sake. I have some choice words for you, Aunt Edna.
0:53: I think Katy has some illusions about the lastingness of youth. It isn’t actually possible to be young forever. It would be much more accurate if she said, “We’ll be young until we’re not” or “We’ll attempt to regain our youth in our mid-forties with a series of surgeries that make us incapable of forming facial expressions.”
1:00: It’s becoming clear that this song is called “Teenage Dream” because it is not based on teenage reality. I bet pretty soon she’ll be talking about running away together.
1:04: AND I QUOTE: “Let’s run away and don’t ever look back.” BAM! WHO CALLED IT?! I’m like a prophet.
1:12: Katy, I don’t think it’s healthy for your heart to stop when you look at someone else. Bella used to say that about Edward and she ended up marrying a walking cadaver. Don't ignore the warning signs, that's all I'm saying.
1:20: It only took one touch to “make her believe.” So…she’s dating a Jedi Knight? Great, Katy, but can HE do anything about my Aunt Edna?
1:32: You made a fort of sheets?! Why didn’t you invite me? I love forts! DAMMIT, PERRY!
1:47: Wow. She’s not the brightest bulb on the tree. One touch and a few hours of illegal underage alcohol consumption, and she’s ready to sleep with this guy. I think we might be listening to the next star of MTV’s Sixteen and Pregnant. I should make a follow-up single titled “Teenage Consequences.”
1:51: Ha. She wants to “dance until we die.” I would LOVE to see that reality show. Maybe they're doing the cha-cha in a furnace, or waltzing off a plank.
2:10: This sure is catchy for a song that promotes woefully irresponsible behavior.
2:39: His heart is racing, whilst hers has stopped altogether. Both symptoms are caused by seemingly mundane occurrences. These people should really see a cardiologist.
3:00: My mind is beginning to wander. She wants to be homeless together. She wants his babies. He likes her ill-fitting jeans. All set to a snazzy, up-tempo beat.
3:28: I wish my neighbor would stop gawking at me. It’s like she doesn’t know good dancing when she sees it. Everyone should recognize the “Funky Chicken” as a sophisticated classic.
3:49: That was delightful AND informative. I now know the secret to love: pants that are too small.
We're off to buy some super-uncomfortable trousers right now. Katy, you are an inspiration to us all.
Related post: The Ellie Report