If I Rewrote Twilight

quirky*ghost is AWESSSSSSSOME! We love "kick in the nuggets." —Sparkitors

Ah, Twilight, how I loathe you. I cannot begin to number the times I have wished that you had never been written.

This was, of course, before I realized that you contain the power to brainwash millions across America and beyond. And not just squealing preteen girls and their unfortunate mothers. No, I'm talking about 6'4” prison security guards with 300 pounds of solid muscle, and womanizing 17-year-old football players. Ugh.

As an amateur writer with aspirations to rule the world, I quickly took notice of your success, and realized it's possible to captivate a large percentage of the population with one dumb book series. Soon, I began wishing that I was the author of you, Twilight, instead of wishing that you would magically unexist. I know what you're thinking: unexist is not a word. Well, it is now. The first step in becoming ruler of the world is to reinvent language. Just read 1984.

Anyway, my reinvention of Twilight goes like this:

1. There are no vampires or werewolves. This gets rid of a random excuse to have people irrationally hate each other. (Just because someone belongs to a different human subspecies than you does not mean you are justified in wanting to use a flamethrower on him.) Also, the glittery rabbit-eating vamps of Smeyer's Twilight are a disgrace to centuries of vampire folklore and literature, and real vampires have some limitations that I don't want to deal with, plot-wise.

2. Bella wears some Confidence Pants. Smeyer's whiny, pathetic, special-hug-obsessed, selfish, and insecure Bella is not a good role model or a good girlfriend ideal. My version of Bella is butt-kicking awesome, has great self control, and doesn't always put herself first.

She doesn't leave hundreds of innocent tourists to die at the hands (or, rather, mouths) of the Volturi. She tries to save them with her awesome ninja skills, and even if she dies trying, she takes out at least half of the nasty bloodsuckers on her way down. Then, instead of being the crappiest role model on the planet, she is the most awesomesauce role model in the universe.

3. Charlie is actually a decent father and tries to protect Bella from the freaky Cullen family. He tells Bella she's not allowed to go on even one date with Edward Cullen, even though he knows he can't really control who she dates. Charlie is justified in this, even though he wouldn't know it yet, because in my Twilight, the Cullen family belongs to a terrifying cult of psychotic blood drinkers. Edward is still sexy, and he's still also a scary-as-hell stalker and emotionally abusive jerkwad, but he is no longer romanticized. Instead of brainwashing young girls into believing that buttfaces like Edward are romantic (that should be a crime, Stephenie Meyer!), I would brainwash them into believing that all real-life Edwards deserve a swift kick in the nuggets, and possible incarceration.

4. Bella realizes that sexy-Edward is also creepy-Edward after he announces his undying and eternal love for her on their first date. For some reason, in Smeyer's Twilight, Ed's declaration is made out to be romantic, although personally I find it somewhat disturbing, much like pedophilia—oh, wait! Smeyer romanticizes that, too.

Anydoodle, Bella dumps the creepy Edward after he expresses his desire to be her passionate forever buddy. He stalks her relentlessly, demanding that she come away with him and join his family, which she soon discovers is a cult. Needless to say, she refuses, and in retaliation, the Cullens take Charlie hostage when Bella goes to visit her best friend, the wonderful, non-force-kissing-whiny-smeyerfied, Jacob Black. She goes to the police force, but they are unhelpful because of complicated political reasons.

Bella enlists the help of Jacob and his group of motorcycle-riding friends, including Emmett No-Longer-Cullen and other male specimens whose names are not Quil (which seems like a great name for a porcupine or a hedgehog, but not so much a human), or Embry (which for some reason reminds me of mothballs, fireplaces, and stale liquor).

Together, they build jetpacks out of spare motorcycle parts. The jetpacks are for Dan's sake, even if they would have been better combined with werewolves. The Cullen hideout is defended from all land-based attacks, but not from the air, so using their jetpacks and some homemade Molotov cocktails, they bust through the roof.

While Jacob and his friends kick some Cullen butt, Bella goes in search of Charlie. She finds him, but Edward is guarding him. Using pepper spray, Edward temporarily blinds Bella. However, he is so caught up in his victorious use of pepper spray that he trips over Charlie's feet. (He should have known. Pride always comes before the fall.) While he is sprawled on the floor, Bella has enough time to grab the trash can and bash him over the head with it. She unties Charlie and uses the rope to tie up Edward. The police finally start doing their jobs, and they arrive and haul the Cullen cult off to a high-security prison.

5. To appease all those who love a good romantic story, Bella and Jacob fall in love and have a healthy relationship in which neither worships the other or worries about accidentally eating the other while making out. This would prevent all of the brainwashees from romanticizing unhealthy relationships or pedophilia, which would be awesome. And I would be the most amazing, nicest, kindest, socially-responsible (and least modest) amateur writer/possible future dictator.

Love it? Hate it? What would you change?

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