Before You Fall in Love on Facebook

Because Facebook has a weird, creepy mind of its own, it suggests you friend James Ritchie, someone you've never met in real life. Curious, you sniff out his profile, which is entirely visible, because James Richie apparently doesn’t have the brains to check and change the all-important privacy settings. You learn that you have 65 friends in common, he’s a junior at the high school you’ll be attending, he’s in a band, and, to top it off, he’s totally nasty-hot in a Kid Rock American BA type of way. This means he has a great body and a face with errr—character that kind of makes you want to put a bag over it, but at the same time it’s really endearing, and you like the way his teeth aren’t perfect. (For the sake of this article, let's pretend this is totally your type, and if you really can’t pretend this is your kind of dude, or if you’re a dude who prefers the company of women, then start thinking of your type now).

When you see someone’s profile, you might instantly fall in love and want to give this person a sensual hug. But before you start using Google maps to find out where James Richie lives, here are some reasons not to get too carried away.

1. He’s still on MySpace.

2. He doesn’t have any favorite books on Facebook. In fact, he skipped the section. Or, worse, he cites “Everybody Poops” as his favorite novel of all time.

3. His profile pictures only show the left side of his face. He could be missing an eyeball, have a Mike Tyson-style face tattoo, or simply be such an egomaniac that he refuses to have the “bad” side of his face photographed. We’re not sure which of these possibilities is the scariest.

4. His political views say something to the effect of “WaFFLEs, BaBy!!!!!” While we here at SparkNotes definitely support waffles and believe that everyone has the inalienable right to eat them, they simply might not spark hot enough political debate to get you going before your sensual hugs.

5. He’s in an open relationship. Enough said.

6. He recently added his mom to Facebook’s Marketplace.

7. He recently attended the “Walk for a Real Cure—Herpes” event, and has “Herpes Strong” listed as one of his top causes. While we’re sort of curious what those bracelets might look like, all we can say is nasty.

8. He listed a Thomas Jefferson quote as one of his favorite sayings of all time. While liking dead presidents is actually nerdy hot, beware of people who simply Google quotes in an attempt to make themselves look more educated and enlightened than they actually are (when in reality, they aren't sure how to spell the word rhythm off the top of their heads [Sparkitor note: we totally can't spell rythym]).

9. You get too many updates on the food he’s growing and animals he’s raising on Farmville, and they are blowin’ up your newsfeed with a 4:14AM time stamp.

When you're being a stalker on FB, what are your red flags?

Related post: 8 Types of Facebook Profile Pictures