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How to Be Awesome: Hospital Edition

How to Be Awesome: Hospital Edition

Welcome back to jgrudzy's column How to Fail at Everything How to Be Awesome. Enjoy! —Sparkitors

So you're at the hospital, waiting to get those stitches in your shin. You're surrounded by tons of people with medical degrees, and all the smartness is making you just a bit insecure. You're feeling the need to impress someone. Yeah, you're feeling the itch to be awesome. Here's how to do it:

1. Scream.
A lot. You probably aren't afraid of the doctor, but that doesn't matter. Every time the doctor (or nurse) comes near you, with anything, you scream. Needles, stethoscopes, thermometers, lollipops—recoil in terror from anything they're holding. Whatever they're doing, whether they touch you or not, let out a nice, ear-splitting screech that chills them to the bone.

You're probably wondering how that makes you awesome. For one, it makes you way more interesting. Two, your amazing lung capacity will impress them. They like stuff like that.

Also, you get bonus points if you can make your scream sound like screamo or if you can work the words “bloody murder” into it.

2. Diagnose yourself. You're smart, right? What doctor wouldn't love a patient who's trying to make his job easier? So whenever the doctor is trying to figure out what's wrong with you, whether you have a broken hand or some freaky disease that eats your skin, tell the doctor what you have before he does. Even if you have no clue what's wrong. There's always the off chance that you'll be right, and the doctor will for sure appreciate your effort. Throw in some words like “vasculitis,” “hyperbolic pressure,” “Acanthosis nigricans,” and “schizophrenia” for good measure. I also recommend watching tons of House for more awesome lingo.

3. Get a freaky (but not life-threatening) disease. Have you ever noticed how many friends sick people have? Do you know what sick people's friends do? They give them presents. And trips to Disneyland. And tell them how much they mean to them (which, come on, is cool to hear people say, even if you already know it). So make yourself more awesome and get sick! You'll be instantly more popular, and you'll get cool stuff. Although really, to enjoy it all, you should make sure you don't get a deadly disease. Or a contagious one.

4. Surf. Whether you have actually been checked into the hospital, or you're just sitting around waiting to get immunized for meningococcal meningitis, you should keep yourself physically active. I think that's something all doctors would agree with, right? Right! And since you probably still need to hone in your awesome surfing skills, grab a gurney and get going! Make sure you ride your cart through the waiting room for maximum awesomeness.

Have you ever done any of these things? (Are you awesome?)

Related Post: How To Be Awesome: The Basics

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Topics: Life
Tags: sparkler posts, guides, illness, how to, how to be awesome, hospitals

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