What to Say/Not to Say to a Friend Who Just Got Dumped
Ah, relationships. I think Matt Groening summed it up best when he wrote, "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
It's never easy when an S.O. is suddenly all, "So...we should talk." And it's never easy helping a friend cope with an out-of-nowhere breakup.
If you're helping a pal mend his/her broken heart, study our list of things to say, and not say:
Best: I'm so sorry. You okay? Let's blow off study group and eat chocolate.
Worst: So what you're saying is you guys aren't dating any more, right? You mind if I take a crack at her?
Best: It's way better that you found out now. Can you imagine being with him for years and then discovering that he's a total poophead? Seriously—you're lucky.
Worst: ...and I hate the way she kisses. Um. Ooops.
Best: That's it. You're coming over, and we're writing the "Things We Will No Longer Tolerate in a Relationship" manifesto.
Worst: Dude—who cares? And why do you even have so many feelings? Ugh. Emotions are so gross.
Best: You know what's awesome? You. And you'll continue to be awesome with or without that guy.
Worst: Hey! You know how I can fart the alphabet? Let me see if I can fart out your ex's name.
Best: I want you to spend 30 minutes writing a goodbye letter to the relationship. Then, we'll fold it up, put in an envelope, and stash it up in your attic so, 10 years from now, when you randomly find it, you can look at it an be like, "Man! I'm glad that's over, because the relationship I'm in now is AWESOME."
Worst: Remember when he read your journal over the P.A./told everyone about your disgusting mole/dyed your goldfish blue? I helped.
Best: Tonight, it's you, me, pizza and the X-Box.
Worst: Sucktown, Population: You, bro.
Best: Two words: pet store. One word: cuddle. One more word: PUPPIES. Also? Chocolate.
Worst: Can you estimate how long you're going to whine? I've got some good stuff on DVR I'd really like to get to.
Best: Here's a playlist of every upbeat song you love. I challenge you to listen to it and not smile. Ready? GO.
Worst: Sometimes, you just gotta keep on keeping on. Or, um, keep it real. Keep it mellow. Whatever. I stopped listening to you, like, 20 minutes ago.
Best: I hoped I'd never have to tote this out, but when you guys started dating, I made this voodoo doll of her. Here it is—and 100 pins. You're welcome.
Worst: I wanted to avenge you, so I burned the word "jerk" into her front lawn. Cool, right?
Best: Let's eat copious amounts of chocolate.
Worst: I hate chocolate.
How do you help your friends with breakups?
Related post: Better Breakup Methods