The Friday Awards

First off, an Emily Award goes to every single Sparkler who signed up for SparkLife Academy here. At the time this is being written by my pet hawfinch, Chauncey, who sits on my desk and pecks out my posts, there are a whopping 250 comments on SparkLife Academy.

The Sparkitors are starting to hyperventilate. Emma is turning red and blue at the same time, Chelsea is pounding her fists on the floor, and this ed is SCREAMING at the top of her lungs. Chauncey is crying tears of joy. Just how many of you are there, Sparklers? A thousand? A hundred thousand? Seven hundred and fifty four billion? (Is one of you going to count?)

We're so riled up about teaching at SL Academy that we can't stop reading your comments. It looks like you're debating about school colors, so how bout this: You guys give us four color scheme options, and we'll put it in a poll so we can take a for serious vote. Sound good? Should ~too~ bring forth the final four options in the comments of these Friwards? We think YES!

Now, on to MORE awesome stuff, like birthdays!

Happy Belated Birthday to Amarantha93, Zippicus2, opinionatedlg, dappledshadows, smarty1235, emgem789, LtotheNbasti, Ashkiez, RinaBearGrr, dork0895, SecretlyAWizard, eat_sleep_swim, DecadeDork, and RosaPi. Phew!

Happy Tomorrow Birthday to Dizzy_In_My_Head.

Happy Sunday Birthday to auntvicki.

The Saddest Birthday Awards go to...

thenameselodie for this comment on The 10 Worst Birthday Presents Ever...

At the age of nine, all I wanted was a Harry Potter Potion-Making Kit. Instead I actually got toilet paper. I wish I was kidding.

Misery_Business's DAD for Misery_Business's comment on the same post...

My dad said for his birthday once his parents got him a fish. But the cat got to it before he did, so all he got was a bowl of water with a bow on it.

and emgem789 for...

My birthday was 2 days ago im the the only kid in my grade who dosent have a cellphone and sisnce i am going into high school i really needed a cellphone that could text. my parents got me one of those phones that can only call 911 and home. i was so pooped that i cried on the way back from the store

Nickname of the Week goes to mischief_managed.

The System Overload Award goes to Feathery_Snidget for this comment on the August 3 Open Thread...

Hello everyone!

I can't stay and chat right now, but this comment is a semi-scientific experiment to test and possibly discover the way open threads are perused by the lovely Sarah and Nash. I wonder what sort of words they ctrl+F search on the threads.

I shall insert some carefully selected code words below in order to determine what is looked for in comments.

Birthday

Friday Award

egg salad

I nominate

sparkitors

oops

fluffy

Dan

awesomesauce

bagels

That is all.

I wonder if this experiment will have results.

The Littlest FAIL Award goes to imlora for this comment on Auntie SparkNotes: An Enormous Problem of Teeny Proportions...

Security guy at the airport in preschool teacher voice: Ohhhh I'm sooooorrrrryyyy! You have to be 12 to go on an airplane without an adult!

Me: Oh.... good thing I'm 18.

Security guy: Huh.... Well..... Let's go find your parents just in case.

Me: FACEPALM

This Isn't So Much an Award Award as an Official Declaration of Amazement and Jealousy Award goes to musica_poeta for this comment on Kid Stuff We Still Find Kool...

And I still have the stuffed animal that I slept with from when I was little. As a matter of fact, I'm at work right now (Sparknotes on my laptop...yes!  )and I have him here with me. And im a junior in highschool. Woo!

The Grandpa Jerry Award for an Awesome List of Old Stuff goes to mj_adams for this comment on Kid Stuff We Still Find Kool...

Furbies

Pogs

Quints

Trolls

Nintendo64

Digapets

Animorphs

Goosebumps

Just trying to earn my Grandpa friward. If you don't know what half those are, don't worry. It's what I couldn't live without. But keep in mind that I'm 100.

“The Only Award Will Give Out for Bamming” Award goes to PrestigiousTimeLady for this comment on Charlie St. Cloud: Put Your Nose in My Mouth, Baby...

M. NIGHT SHAM-A-LAM-A-BAM! (2nd Bam, though, but still)

Epic LOL Points go to...

biskvitkaimlyako for this comment on Six Reasons I Hate Shoes...

You hate shoes?

This is about their soles, isn't it?!?

Sorry, I couldn't resist a bad Twilight joke. *hangs head in shame*

sarahthesaltedslug for this comment on Best Summer Day Ever: 24 Things to Do...

Or wear said water balloons in your shirt and tell them it's a water bra. Bonus points if you're a boy.

Nickname1010101 for this comment on The National Honor Society Is Trying to Take Over the World!...

Fear not sparklers. I will infiltrate my school's NHS and seize their power. Then, I will use it take assault NHS nationally. All their power will be mine, miinne, MIIIINNNNEEE. . . .Oh, umm, I mean I'll use it to overthrow their tyrannical rule and free the commoners of the schools. Then, they will elect me their leader,MWAH HA, HA.

amazinggrace7 for this comment on the same post...

My sister and I have planned world domination. We have even worked out our evil laughs so that they are in iambic pentameter. Mwahahahahaha.

currybelle for this comment on How to Deal With Unexpected First Date Questions...

Question: Do you read Sparklife?

Correct Answer: "I am Dan Bergstein."

If they answer "No" you may pie them in the face and stop returning their calls.

LiterallyNow for this comment on My Crush is a Shakespearean Character...

MERCUTIO!!!

Quote the 1968 film: "Bla. Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla!

Bla!

Bla bla bla!"

And then he and Tybalt have a water fight before they try to kill each other. You just can't beat that.

charred_rose11 for this comment on Things We Wish We's Learned in our Teens...

When I was in seventh grade, our school musical had a part where I had to teach a chef to set the table. I was the "Fairy Forkmother", complete with a frilly pink costume and a crown made of forks, and I sang an increasingly fast song about the proper way to set the table. It's been filmed.

crazyfightingninga for this comment on Blogging My Morning at the Hospital...

I've never understood why a kid holds his breath to irritate his parents.

They give up before they pass out.

I was babysitting once and the kid starting holding his breath. I started counting and he made it to twenty.

currybelle (again!) for this comment on A Day in the Life of a Student at a Normal Middle School...

i would sell my sister on ebay to be able to go to school at 9. i mean, what's the point of going at 8 if no one's mentally awake until 10?

xXx_lola_xXx for this comment on Stupid Human Tricks...

I have a feeling that you're questioning human nature so I feel inclined to answer: they do it because they are insane. They do these things because they have no moral thought in their brains.

...

Oh, you're wondering why I said 'they' instead of 'we'? Well, that's because I come from the planet Alderaan and therefore am not really human. Yes, I look human and act human but I come from a place much more advanced than that of Earth.

...

You don't believe me? Well, Star Wars is not real but the planets are. There was no Darth Vader or Yoda but Chewbacca is real. He and his family went through a transformation. They are now these creatures that you humans call 'dogs'.

nycomic56 for this comment on The Ellie Report: Brown Baggin' It...

What happens if we buy lunch?! Do I not have a personality?! Am i soulless?!

Note to self: Start bringing lunch in a power ranger lunchbox, filled with a classic sandwich and chips. This will give you purpose to live.

epicality for this comment on How To Force Yourself To Do Work...

I had been doing my physics homework for ten minutes, decided I was bored with it, and came to SparkLife. To find this article. DANGIT JON. You caught me red-handed!

museoftomorrow for this comment on the same post...

What is this "summer reading list" you speak of?

[spies her reading list peeking out from the recyling bin]

Oh... crap...

[reads books for fear of a horrible, horrible death at the hairy little hands of spiders]

theoreticalgrrl for this comment on What Does Your Nail Polish Color Say About You?...

Forest green: You probably skulk around in the woods feeding granola to skunks and hugging half-dead trees. You also probably print out Emily Dickinson poems on floral stationery and paste them to your wall with earth-friendly glue.

Biggest secret: 2 days ago, you littered on the sidewalk. Don't lie to me, you know you did it.

booksroxmysox09 for this comment on the same post...

Color: Gumball Magenta

What it says about you: You've never heard of half the bands that Sparklers report on, and you read Tiger Beat while listening to OMIGOD SO HOTTT Justin "Babe"r. Your favorite Sparkitor is Chelsea Dagger because she likes the Jonas Brothers just as much as you do.

Biggest secret: You actually have never read Harry Potter, though you pretend you have by seeing one movie and talking about how HOTT Ron is.

iplayharp for this comment on Teaching Mom SparkSlang...

LOL. I have this problem with my Dad:

ME: OMG, wasn't the last Blogging Eclipse amazing?!?

SISTER (kylxy): YESSS I love Dan!

DAD: Who is this "Dan?" Is he some kid who goes to your school?

ME: Umm, no, Dad. He's basically the funniest person alive. He was the inspiration for our Dan Day shirts, remember?

DAD: Oh yeah, that kind of freaked me out

(MOM overhearing from family room): Who's Dan?!? Are you stalking him? His name comes up a lot around here.

DAD: Don't worry, he's just the author of Twilight. The girls love it.

Dan, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry my Dad compared you to Smeyer. It's not his fault he's not a follower.

Annnnnnd finally, The Armour Awards for the anagram guesser-righters from last week's Friday Awards WHO ALSO came up with hilarious answers to my question, "What is your armour made of?" go to...

Dizzy_In_My_Head for...

i have come up with "what is your armour made of?" i would like to inform you that my armour is made of silver and dipped in chocolate then frozen, no one wants melted chocolate. the reason why must be kept a secret though.

hotnpinkfeathers for...

Well. . . my armour is made of dragon tears!!! Which, as we all know, turn into jelly beans! I don't have to fight off the magical, mystical bad guys; I just offer them jelly beans! The jelly beans come in many flavors: rasberry, chocolate, coconut, mint, espresso, tomato, root beer, butterd and salted popcorn, mushroom, fried chicken, clam chowder, split pea soup, and the newly added scrambled egg and lima bean flavors!
The only downside is that english teachers won't fall under the spell of my sweet suit of armour  Thus, rendering me helpless to the enigma I call "A Prayer for Owen Meany."
Speaking of which, you guys should really add the themes, motifs and symbols page, and the important quotations page to the sparknote. A little more elaboration on the motif of armlessness please! It would make this sparkler very happy 
On the friday awards page, because I'm sure this will make it (because I don't think you'll get another answer to your question as great as this one (hopefully),)I would like my name to be written in rainbow colors!!! =D Which is only fair seeing as how I used a semi colon AND a colon properly in this, right Doesn't good grammar merit a reward?

LyzardBath (a new Sparkler! Welcome!) for...

Made of muscle. Heart muscle (both the blood-pumping and me-loving kind), brain muscle, sparkle muscle, carrying me muscle, Jesus-loving muscle, and lots of funny muscle. Also, great, big, sparkling windows to the soul. And possibly some shiny locks flowing out of the noggin...but he's not going Rapunzel on me anytime soon.

Those of you who actually got the question will get it. :]

Hi, Sparknotes! This is my first post.

Emberlynn54 for...

My armor is made of sugar and spice and everything nice
because when anyone sees it they immediately drop their guard for they think I am "sweet"
It is then that I make my move, I proceed to rip off the armor[shredding it as if it were cheese]
and then I DEVOUR THEIR SOULS!!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

crap now everyone knows my secret!
I guess I'll just go ahead and eat my armor then... [mm tasty

synchrogirl117 for...

is the question 'what is your armour made of, you?' ANSWER! unicorn tails, invisible jellyfish stringy things, chelsea dagger sweat, harry potter's shoes, and sparkles. of the sparknote variety, not the edward kind. oh and also suzanne collin's brain matter. OH YEAH MY ARMO(U)R WILL DEFEAT YOU!

yankeefan22 for...

My armo(u)r is made of Alice's visions, members of the opposite sex, yogurt, Bella's multiple personality disorder, Inception, sand that somehow remains in your hair even though you left the beach over a week ago, and other things that are impossible to understand. These are all conveniently wrapped up in a casing of Dan's wittiest blogs. What do I use it FOR? For to confuse my enemies! Lured by expectations of hilarity, they draw close, and just when they least expect it...BAM! My armor bursts open and they are left puzzling and/or crying over some of life's greatest mysteries (Does the totem fall? Does it? DOES IT?!?). This leaves me free to escape! It's possibly the most effective defensive armor ever. It also dispenses cranberry juice. Mmm, now I'm thirsty...

CrayonsPink for...

My answer to your question, is that my armour is made of...

~A vest made of metal (to deflect swords) and ballistic nylon (to deflect bullets),

~A helmet (to protect my head),

~A mask (to protect my identity),

~A badge over my heart (so it can stop a bullet, just like in the poliece movies),

~Magic (to stop Voldemort from casting spells at me),

~Love (in case the magic doesen't stop Voldemort, the love will),

~Silver (to save me from EVIL werewolfs),

~Garlic (to save me from EVIL vampires...and Edward),

~Bacon (to save me from starving to death),

~A laptop with internet connection (to save me from dying of boredom),

~A bathroom (because armour this awesome would take FOREVER to take on and off),

and

~A teleporting device (so that if I'm ever in trouble, I can push a button, and *ping!* I'm in my house.)

...So yeah, that's my answer. Hope you enjoy, and buy this amazing armour for $100 on great.armour.hahaha.not.really.com/this_is_a_lie

lost_in_mirkwood for...

My armor: a relatively hideous polyester wool blend. Composed of a few pieces, including black, ill-fitting bibbers, a white coat, too short in the arms, to broad in the shoulders, short, reaching mid-rib, a gold vinyl sash that buttons on the right shoulder and velcro's under the left arm, meant to look shiny and distracting, black shoes and socks, and a hat, too small for the head and hair, cutting off brain blood circulation, with a shimmering dead bird affixed to the crown of said hat.

Weapon of choice: clarinet.

Happy Weekend, Sparklers!

And in answer to your question, musician21, we don't. But we try!