Chapter Seven: Unexpected
Better Title: Totally Expected
Bella's pregnant. We all knew it. And now Bella and Edward know it too. The chapter begins with Bella waking up in the middle of the night to find a note left by Eddie. He has slipped out to kill some animals. Because it's too warm to sleep, Bella decides to make fried chicken. That makes sense. When I'm overheated, the first thing I want to do is stand over a frying pan, with hot oil splattering my arms, and then eat piping hot, fatty poultry. It's very refreshing.
But since Bella is stereotypically pregnant, she's hormonal and not being very logical, which leads me to believe she has been pregnant since she moved to Forks. Don't laugh. Since it seems vampire fetuses mature at a fast rate, it stands to reason that a different type of monster fetus would grow at a slower rate, possibly taking years to develop. So maybe she was knocked up by a ghost or very quiet were-rhino, back in Arizona.
She takes a few bites of chicken, but the taste doesn't agree with her, so she throws it away. Eddie returns. The moment they begin to cuddle, Bella darts away and barfs in the toilet. Edward is worried, but she assures him it's just food poisoning. They watch TV, and she vomits again. Then she does some math in her head and realizes that she missed her period.
Her mind races, and she doesn't know what to say. She tells Edward that she might be pregnant, and he handles the news quite well. This part is hilarious. He passes out…sort of. Then he stares off into space like a mannequin for a few pages. He doesn't speak, move, or do anything. Bella, meanwhile, is trying to remember everything she knows about vampire biology. As am I.
Here is how I understand things:
When a human is bitten by a vampire, and turned into a vampire, she is frozen at that age. After you become a vampire, your body can never change. You will never get fatter, or taller, and you can't get a dolphin tattoo on your shoulder. (This is why I need to get that dolphin tattoo NOW!) Female vampires can't give birth because their bodies can't change to accommodate a fetus. And for once, the Twilight mythos makes sense.
However, male vampires can reproduce. And again, I think that makes sense. Except…
Vampires are dead. They do not breathe. They don't have heartbeats. They don't have bodily fluids such as tears, saliva, and snot. They don't sleep. And they are cold. They are, in a very real way, doorknobs. There are two things I know about reproduction:
1. You can't get pregnant by kissing, even if you use tongues.
2. You can't get pregnant from a doorknob, even if you use tongues.
Like my fourth nostril, this pregnancy defies logic.
As Bella thinks things through, Edward's phone rings. Since catatonic Ed is acting less like a supportive husband and more like a large doorknob, Bella reaches into his pocket and answers it. Alice is on the other end. Obviously, she had a vision, though I'm not sure how, since no one "decided" to get pregnant.
She asks Bella what's going on, but Bella wants to talk to Carlisle. Alice fetches him. When Carlisle picks up the phone, Bella explains the situation, that she's probably pregnant, and that Edward is completely useless. Edward snaps out of it and reaches for the phone. He listens to Carlisle, and then hangs up and makes arrangements to fly back home as soon as possible.
As Edward yells on the phone to various airlines, Bella has a quiet moment to herself and reflects on the prospect of motherhood. Though she was never interested in having a baby before, now that she's pregnant, and can feel the baby kick, it's a whole new ballgame.
Oh yeah. The baby is kicking, and Bella already has a baby bump. Not bad for being pregnant for two weeks. It's not explained how she failed to notice her baby bump. Did she think it was just "passion gas" living in her belly?
I assume vampire fetuses grow faster because of magic and because the story doesn't have time to wait around for nine months. Of course, this means that the once the baby is born, it should continue to grow faster. By the time it's ten, it should be in college. And by the time it's 30, it should be yelling at the TV during Wheel of Fortune like my Pop-Pop. And it will die before it reaches the age of 35. But I'm assuming once the baby is born, Stephenie Meyer will toss out this rule of rapid maturity for the sake of making a sweet and nice story.
Since the baby is going to pop out any minute now, I think it's time to come up with some appropriate baby names.
Guinevere Hortense Olden-Name Millicent
Lil' Plot Device
She Who Whines and Touches Her Own Face
Sir Gandalf Dumbledore-Kenobi
Mike Newton's Bane
Lesser Dan Bergstein
Bella thinks about Rosalie, and how badly that b-word wanted a child. If I were Bella, I'd rub this in her face with sing-song taunts of, "I have a uterus and it works fine. Nah-nah, nay-nee-ner!"
Edward finishes up his phone calls, and Bella wonders why he's so angry. At first she thinks he's worried about the baby, but then learns he's worried only about her. His plan is for Carlisle to "take care of this" by destroying the baby to save Bella's life.
Bella isn't too thrilled with the idea.
Sorry, folks, but there's no way in hell I'm going to discuss the topic of abortion, not even for all the pancakes in the land. I respect you and your beliefs too much. Similarly, this is why I will not talk about religion, euthanasia, and cinnamon. So instead of talking about this part, here's a poem I wrote about mermaids.
By Daniel A. Bergstein
If I ate a mermaid, would it taste like fish?
Is that cannibalism?
Would I go to jail?
What if I only ate the fish parts?
And sewed the human half to a pair of robot legs?
I would be a hero. The mermaid would finally know what it felt like to kick.
Then she would have to love me.
Bella is now protective of her unborn child, and she doesn't realize the danger she's in. Just as Edward begins to argue about it, the house cleaners arrive.
In answer to the question from the last blog, the female house cleaner is aware that Eddie is a vampire. She's very concerned for Bella, and in this awkward scene that seems to have been written by a hyper six-year-old, the Brazilian woman and Edward argue over Bella's safety.
It's never clear why they are fighting, but eventually the woman walks over to Bella, touches her belly and says, "Morte." Either she's thinks this child is damned, or she wants it to be named Morty. I think that's a great name. Even better, call it Cactus Morty.
The woman knows that the Cullens are vampires. Fair enough. So in the next chapter, the Volturi will arrive, kill this woman, and slaughter all of the Cullens, right? Because they broke the only vampire rule: Don't reveal the truth about vampires. Is it asking too much for just a wee bit of logic and practically to appear in this story?
The house cleaners leave, and Edward takes the luggage down to the boat. Then Bella steals Edward's phone and secretly calls Rosalie…probably to boast, "I have fallopian tubes!"
Murmurs: 3 (Book total: 19)
Mutters: 0 (Book total: 12)
On the plane home, Bella makes a startling discover.
EDWARD: Don't worry, Lamb. Everything will be fine.
BELLA: But it feels so strange. The baby is already kicking, and it's growing so fast.
EDWARD: Try to relax. We'll be home soon, and—
BELLA: What the hell was that?
EDWARD: It came from your stomach.
BABY: Hello? Yeah, it's me. Your baby.
BELLA: I don't understand. How can—
BABY: I'm growing at an alarming rate. I can already walk and talk, and I'm reading at a 4th grade level.
BABY: I also taught myself fractions.
BELLA: I’m so proud of you, my lion cub! I can't wait to touch your face!
EDWARD: We better kill it.
BELLA: But why? It already knows fractions, Edward! Fractions!
EDWARD: Yeah, but…but…what if you won't have any time to touch my face once the baby is born?
BELLA: Don’t worry, Edward. With a new baby on the way, things are going to change. But I still love you. How about if you be mommy's helper? Would you like that?
EDWARD: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Whatever. The baby better not touch my stuff and get spit-up on everything.
BABY: Hey, mom, can you swallow a bike? I think I know how to ride one.
BELLA: [PICKS UP TINY BICYCLE]
EDWARD: No! What are you doing? That will kill you! Put that down or—
[EDWARDS PHONE RINGS]
EDWARD: [ANSWERS PHONE] Hello? Quil? How's it going? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. Well, I can ask her, but…[TO BELLA] Quil wants you to swallow this phone. He'd like to speak to the baby.
BELLA: He's such a good guy. He probably just wants to tell the baby a bedtime story. [SWALLOWS PHONE]
Once you're done compiling your list of favorite baby names, head on over to the Blogging Twilight index page!