The Ellie Report: Brown-Baggin' It

According to every movie that Zac Efron has ever been in, high school is chock full of wonderful people: they sing, they dance, and they rescue bunnies from tragic and inexplicable celery-related deaths. But how are you, a poor, stuttering freshmen, supposed to tell the wonderful people apart from everyone else? What one item can you use to identify potential friends and kindred spirits? The lunch bag, of course! Nothing reveals a person's deepest, darkest secrets like his lunch bag and whatever is contained within. You are what you eat, right?

The Bag Itself: If a person is toting a brown paper bag, then you’re looking at the quintessential boy/girl next door. Low-maintenance, easy-going, and non-judgmental, this person will make a great pal—and she'll always be willing to share her home-baked chocolate chip cookies.

Anyone carrying a  plastic grocery store bag is likely the type who identifies cloud shapes for fun ("Now, I'd say that looks more like a headless piranha than a disproportionate bumblebee, wouldn't you?"). S/he also has a pet rock affectionately nicknamed "Reginald." If that's your cup of tea, pop a squat next to this lady or gentleman!

If a person is rockin' a bag that is clearly meant to be an ironic joke, (i.e. a Dora the Explorer lunchbox or thermos with a picture of David Hasselhoff), then give him/her a giant bear hug and promptly braid up two BFF bracelets, because you’re about to light a proverbial fire of love with one of the most stupendous people on campus.

The Sandwich: A classic turkey and cheese signals reliability, a friendly nature, and an obsession with either "House," "Gossip Girl," or the American Revolution (the war, not the show). If the sandwich filling ends with the word “salad,” then your friendship will end with the word “disaster.” If a sandwich has crushed cranberry sauce, run for your life. People who like crushed cranberry sauce are, without fail, Turkish warlords in disguise.

The Snack: Every sandwich needs an accompanying snack. Sidekicks are important; after all, what would Batman be without Robin? Yes, yes, I know: he’d still be 180 pounds of dripping sexiness, but Robin is fun to have around, and he makes useless witty quips! So: if you’re sitting next to someone eating carrot sticks, then you’re sitting next to the future C.E.O of a protein shake empire. If you’re sitting next to someone eating candy, you’re lookin' at a puppy-hating fascist. (Big Brother from George Orwell's 1984 went to school each day with a chocolate bar. Do you want to be a part of the Thought Police? Didn't think so.) If your cafeteria neighbor is eating chips, then he'll definitely become your fast friend, and will probably save your life one day. So offer to split your pudding cup; it's really the least you can do.

The Drink: If someone's slurpin' on a juicebox, he's obviously a momma’s boy (even if he's a girl). If she's got a Gatorade firmly grasped in one muscular hand, she's in it to win it and will do whatever it takes to make more money than Oprah/run a mile in under 3 minutes/toast her bread just the perfect amount on both sides. If you spy a fellow frosh casually sipping a soda, a Slushie, a chocolate milk, or a Capri Sun, congratulations: you've found your soulmate. Now settle in next to him/her and make some magic happen!

So, are you rockin' a David Hasselhoff thermos? We sure wish we were...

Related post: What Your Snacking Style Says About You