Teaching Mom SparkSlang
GirlWhoWrites writes Diary of a High School Freshman. We think we want her mom to start writing for us, too. —Sparkitors
Unless you live under a rock on Mars or are extremely new to SparkNotes, you inevitably will notice that Sparklers have a unique vocabulary, which we will henceforth refer to as "SparkSlang."
Words and phrases like "BAM," "double-sad," and "awesomesauce" dominate our comments and articles. Obsessive reading of SparkNotes will have you slinging slang all over the place. Your mother will inevitably ask what the heck you are talking about. Having encountered this situation myself, I have set out to create a guide so awesomesauce that it will be unbelievably easy to teach your mother or any other nosy adult exactly what you mean when you say you are "sweating harder than Chelsea Dagger."
1. Awesomesauce: Sparklers add "sauce" to an adjective to pump it up to the next degree of awesomeness (or fail-ness!) "Sauce" can also be added to nouns, if they deserve it.
Me: Mom, that dinner was awesomesauce!
Mom: What sauce?
Me: *mumbling* Nothing.
Mom: Why did you add "sauce" to the end of that word? Is that code for "This dinner was superior to Cheez-Its?" Why do you say such things?
Me: Um no. I said it to show you that the dinner is more than awesome. It's awesome to the next degree.
Mom: Yay! I get it! Can you add sauce to any word?
Me: Uh, sure.
Mom: Marysauce, finishsauce yoursauce dinnersauce ifsauce itsauce wassauce sosauce goodsauce!
Didsauce Isauce dosacue itsacue?
Me: Uh, no mom. Actually that was a complete failsauce. You are only allowed to add "sauce" to adjectives, on occasion nouns, and rarely verbs. Also, try using "sauce" less than once per sentence because it gets really annoying. I don't recommend using "sauce" words in the company of your coworkers either.
2. BAM: This word is used to express joy, such as the joy generated by being the first to post a comment.
Mom: You can have some ice cream!
Me: BAM! SCORE! YAY ME!
Me: It's an expression that means I'm happy!
Mom: Bam! Bam! Bamalamadingdong! I'm always happy! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Dad: Whaza noise? Junior! I thought I told you to keep that paint-ball gun OUTSIDE!
3. Double-sad: A term used to describe the depression of whiny teenagers, such as Bella Swan.
Mom: Annie looks downcast.
Me: Yeah, I think she's double-sad. Her boyfriend doesn't sparkle.
Mom: *confused* Oh. What?
You: Double-sad. It means she's depressed and whiny.
Mom: *enlightened* Yeah! What?
4. References to Chelsea Dagger and Her Epic Sweatiness: Everyone knows Chelsea Dagger is the sweatiest and most awesome Sparkitor. She stands for all things sweaty and is possibly the sweatiest person EVER. Like, I'm not kidding you. She sweats a LOT. We theorize that this is because she has a secret crush on Paco the storytelling mule.
Me: Gosh, I'm sweating harder than Chelsea Dagger!
Mom: Who's that? Is she a girl from school?
Me: No, is is an awesome yet sweaty editor for SparkNotes.
Mom: Does she have malaria?
5. Mankler: A male SparkNotes user, AKA an awesome guy.
Me: Did you know Pete reads Blogging Twilight? He's such a Mankler.
Mom: Is that slang for "canker sore?"
Me: No! It means "Male Sparknotes User, AKA Awesome Guy."
Mom: You use the word "awesome" a lot.
6. Asking Auntie: Auntie Sparknotes, aka Kat Rosenfield, is a super amazing giver of advice.
Mom: I'm having issues with my boss! What do you think I should do?
Me: Ask Auntie!
Mom: Which one?
Me: Auntie SparkNotes, of course.
Mom: Don't be silly. We have an Auntie Mabel, and an Auntie Bob, but no SparkNotes! My parents weren't THAT bad at naming their kids!
Me: No, mom! Auntie has an advice column on SparkNotes. It's on the internet.
Mom: You mean that little CD you handed me when I grounded you last week?
You: Er, yeah, that. How 'bout I ask Auntie FOR you?
Mom: Cool beans!
There is LOTS of slang you can teach your mom, but we recommend you start small. To minimize confusion, try one word a week! Your mom will pick it up in no time! (Sarcasm hand is raised.)
Do you try to teach your parents how to sound like they're not 500?
Related Post: SparkNotes' Glossary of British Slang
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