Us Sploggers didn't pay enough attention to our teachers and parents when we were teenagers, and then we got into our 20s and wished we had listened when our moms tried to teach us how to fold shirts, and when Mrs. Gillespie told us who was buried in Grant's tomb. Now we realize that some of that seemingly useless info can come in handy. But woah, woah, woah—not all of it. Read on for a list of things you might want to learn while you're still in your teens...
1. How to speak Russian/play the French horn/fly an airplane. You know Harvard wants to give a full scholarship to a Russian speaking, French Horn playing pilot. If you haven't filled out your college apps yet that means THERE'S STILL TIME!!!
2. How to dance appropriately at weddings. Yes, you know how to dance at school dances and mixers, but do you really want to bring those moves to the dance floor when your grandpa asks if he can "have this dance"? At some point in high school or college, you will have the opportunity to learn ballroom dancing. Don't worry about getting paired with The Nose Picker. Just pay attention to the moves.
3. How to make your great grandmother's spaghetti sauce so you won't, as a young adult, have to go all-out primitive and try to open a jar of Prego by whacking it with a screwdriver.
4. How to set the table. Not that it'll come in handy when you're living off frozen pizza and Chinese takeout, but wouldn't it be nice to know what that little fork if for in case the Queen of England comes over?
5. How to make the first move. If you never make the first move, mathematically, your chances of making out are cut, like, 475%.
6. How to drive to Grandma's house. Remember all those times you sat in the back seat while your mom drive you to Grandma's, and you weren't paying attention to the roads*? If you don't pay attention now, you're going to be weeping in a dark corner when you're 23 and have an insatiable hankering for some of Gram's fresh-baked cookies.
7. How to do laundry. Seriously. That Che Guevara t-shirt is going to look really stupid five sizes too small.
8. Memorize those age-old mnemonics. Never Eat Shredded Wheat, My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas, I Before E Except After C, etc. Trust us. Your favorite Sparkitors and Sploggers recently convened, and after trying to unscrew a Ginger Ale bottle for 20 minutes (it's Righty Tighty, Lefty LOOSEY!), we all had to go home in shame.
9. CPR for infants. Maybe when your college pet hamster chokes on your guitar pick, the lil' guy might have a chance. (R.I.P. Buster Brown)
*News to us: there is no such thing as a "To Grandmother's House" sign that points directly to your grandmother's house. That Little Red Riding Hood story is bologna.
What do you think you'll need to know when you're a twenty-something? And does anyone actually know how to correctly set the table?
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