Auntie SparkNotes: Nonophobia

We used to have this same problem, and then Auntie pulled the "Will you build me a life-size replica of Empire State Building using only toothpicks and gummy bears?" question on us. Consider us cured.—Sparkitors

Hi Auntie,

Simply put, I can’t say no. To anything. Ever. While it’s really disconcerting on my part, most of the time it hasn’t been that big of a deal. Sure, it’s landed me with some really useless and/or ugly things (I have the flowered hiking boots and the hot pink faux fur vest to prove it), but usually that’s the worst of it. However, it's also landed me in some much stickier problems. I’ve let a couple of former boyfriends go farther than I felt comfortable with simply because I couldn’t bring myself to tell them no, and I went through hell with some really awful “friends” because I didn’t want to hurt them by breaking things off.

I’m going to college next month, and I’m really starting to worry about this. In the past, I’ve been able to use my parents as an excuse (with their wholehearted encouragement) to get out of things I couldn’t flat-out say no to. Making up an early curfew or some mandatory family function has been my fallback for a while, but with my parents four hours away that obviously isn’t going to work. I’ve already been invited to frat parties during orientation, and the only reason I got out of that was by telling the girl who invited me I’d text her back and never doing so. This girl was hardly even an acquaintance, and I couldn’t even say no to her! I know it’s a problem, and I know I need to just flat-out turn some things down, but when I get in a situation like that I can’t actually verbalize those feelings. Help?

Sure, I'll help! That is, after I've evilly leveraged your no-saying phobia for my own benefit. So before we begin, could you please stop by to do my dishes, clean my bathroom, and give my cat a flea bath?

...And this, of course, is why you need to add "No" to your vocabulary ASAP—because if you don't, you're going to spend your life having to wash other people's flea-infested pets.

Unfortunately, this is one of those problems that only you can fix. Nobody is going to advocate for or express your needs for you; that's up to you. And saying no when you don't want to do something isn't just a responsibility you have to yourself —it's one you have to society in general, too. People who care about you are all operating under the assumption that you're a willing participant in the things you agree to, and you're not doing your friends, family, or significant other any favors by acquiescing to activities that you're disinterested in or don't like.

So, how can you get on the road to NO? Here are a few pointers.

1. Stop looking for an excuse. Your parents might have encouraged you to use them as an easy out when declining an invite, but the truth is that you've never needed one. Lack of interest is a compelling reason in and of itself to not do something, and politely expressing that isn't going to make or break your relationship with someone. (On the contrary, saying, "Thanks for the invite, but ice fishing isn't really my cup of tea" is the best thing you can do—not just because you'll be happier staying home, but because your inviter has the chance to ask someone else who'll really love yanking fish from a frozen lake.)

2. Avoid pressured "No" situations by discussing your expectations in advance. This is especially important when it comes to your boyfriends. The vast majority of guys would be horrified to hear that they inadvertently pressed a girl into sexual activity she didn't really want, so if you're not cool with something, you have to say so. Before you end up in a heat-of-the-moment situation where it's extra hard to put on the brakes, talk to your boyfriend about what you're comfortable with—and let him know that you have trouble asserting yourself, so that he can take extra care to make sure you're okay with whatever you're doing.

3. Practice the art of "no". You're nervous about hurting or insulting someone by turning them down, but in most cases, there's a perfectly polite and non-terrifying way to decline an invitation without leaving anyone feeling rejected or offended. This isn't just about saying "no"—it's about learning to express yourself with confidence and tact. There's no need to scream "NOOOOOO!" in someone's face when you've got an arsenal of responses like:

"Thanks, but I'd rather stay in this weekend."
"Yikes, no thanks, I can't do horror movies. But if you want to see Despicable Me this week, I'll come along."
"It would be fun to hang out, but frat parties aren't my thing. Want to get together on Sunday instead?"
"It's so sweet of you to offer, but I know I'll never have a place to wear a fuschia fur vest. You should give it to someone who'll really appreciate it... like Lady Gaga."
"Thanks for thinking of me, but I have plans."
*Note: The above is a polite and failproof way to turn down absolutely anything, and there's no need to be more specific than this. Nobody needs to know that your "plans" are just feeding your pet goldfish and watching Law & Order reruns on TNT in your underwear.

4. Oh, and one more thing: Commit to saying "yes". This is the flipside of giving voice to what you want, and it's just as important as saying "no". Be happy and enthusiastic about things that you do want to do, and if you feel like you could go either way, then err on the side of "yes".

Because even though you wrote in asking how to say "no", that's not really the point of this exercse. We're not trying to turn you into an indiscriminate rejection-machine; rather, we're trying to get you to a place where you're able to express your desires confidently and comfortably, so that when it comes to navigating your life, you're the one driving the bus. Plus, being enthusiastic about what you're into will make it easier for you to avoid the things you're not; by keeping an open mind, trying new things, and being an active participant in things you love to do, you'll make it that much easier to fill your life with invitations you'll be happy to say "yes" to.

You might even discover that you really do like ice fishing.

Yes? No? Ice fishing? Leave your comments below! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.