The Friday Awards

Buzzzzzzzz zerrrrrrm PLUNK BiiiiZZZZZZZZump.

Sparklerszzzzzzzzmmmbmbmp we ffllllllurrrrrg can't grind! concentrate zoom because there's CRASH construction going on in the zip! office today. So please pardon us if we BANG!!! seem distracted.

Um, hey construction guys? Would you mind—yes you with the power tools, bloodshot eyes, and grizzly bear faces—would you mind taking a break for like, an hour?!? SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU over the sound of your chainsaw. What, why are you looking at me like that? Errrrm, I don't think a me-shaped light fixture would look nice in here, no. That's a strange question, isn't it? Haha. Ha? You can't be seri—ooookay...yessir...bye sir...nice work so far...keep at it...have a nice weekend...say "hi" to your kids for me...

Don't call us spineless, Sparklers. If you want to see spineless, talk to the last guy who got between our construction crew and their power tools. Now he doesn't have most of his spine, or his left hand, or a head.

Who wants an electric screwdriver to the ear? an award?

But first, a word from our sponsor (me) on birthday shout-outs. Us SparkBrainiacs don't have a magical birthday calendar that tells us its your birthday, though we'd LOVE one. The ONLY way we know about birthdays is if you guys mention "birthday" in the comments of a post. If you spell it wrong, there's a verrrrry good chance we'll miss it, since Sarah must go through each open thread page from the previous week and search for keywords. We know, it's not glamorous, and if you want to develop us some kind of Sparkler birthday computer program, we'll lick love you forever. But in the meannnnntime...

Happy Belated Birthday to rachel1408, deathsaura, Just_Keep_Laughing, sleazyforweasley, janevolin, and faith_in_absence!

Happy Birthday to lochnessmonstr7, and xaniphia!

The We Have to Draw the Line Somewhere (and we Decided It's February) Birthday Non-Shout-Out Award goes to snowyowl12317 for...

Aww, dangit. No Friward for me. Speaking of belated birthdays, mine was never mentioned waaayyyy back in February. But that was only a couple of weeks after I joined SparkNotes, so I guess that makes sense. Oh well.

Nickname of the Week goes to Hmmmm...*strokesironicbeard*

The Smartest Person in the Universe Award goes to The_Drum_Minor for being the only Sparkler who figured out last week's anagram, "If you Cheez-It, they will come."

The You WIN! You DO Know Everything, So Build Us a Birthday Shout Out Program Award goes to brontethecat for this comment on Signs You Might Know Everything...

Today my cousin started coughing after he took a drink of water. I said, "Your epiglottis has failed. Water has gone down into your trachea into your lungs. Cough it up." I did say this in humor though, because I wanted him to laugh and cough some more. But it's actually true. So I know everything. Don't tell me I'm wrong. It upsets me.

The Grandpa Jones Award (but seriously, you're never too old for SparkLife, look at us Sparkitors!) goes to mj_adams for this comment on How to Act Around People You Just FAILed All Over...

A few moments ago I was thinking, "That never happens to me. I don't worry about those types of things."

Then I clicked on someone's profile and they were 15. And then I clicked on some more; 13, 16, 18...

I'm 23.

So now lets all laugh and I'll pretend that I'm not.

The Future Rulers of the World (aka Apple Computers) Awards go to...

~too~ for this comment on Apple Products That Will Probably Be Invented Any Minute...

The iDesk:

an application used by students around the world! this state-of-the art desk is the size of an average school desk, with the surface being a heat-sensitive touch screen. assignments can be typed directly into the desk and sent to the teacher's iDesk. research can be done on the internet browser, and a full selection of pre-installed games are used for healthy procrastination time. handing out required reading and textbooks are both rendered unnceccesary because they can all be accessed with iBooks! the screen is un-crackable, for maximum life-span. screen is also sweat-proof, so chelsea dagger can use it too!!

MaidenWarrior for...

The iCullen

Price: As much money as there is in Edward's trust fund.

Product Description: A life-sized plastic model of one of the family, you too can feel just like a whiny teen again when you use the iCullen. This product not only looks so brooding that you will think about danger whenever you see it, it also comes with our patented 'Sparkle,' which casts glittery light onto your walls. The iCullen also can play lullabies and popular* movie soundtracks.

The iCullen also works as a great security system for your home, but it has been known to malfunction in the face of real danger.

Buy one today!

(Mutter and Murmer settings not included)

*popular being a relative term.

kattybeth for...

Introducing the iI

Stunning new technology now allowing you to download your thoughts and memories into the device and create a virtual self! The iI thinks, talks, and acts exactly as you would, meaning you'll never again have to tell the kid you hired to write your psychology paper to dumb it down so the teacher will believe it actually came from you. Give yourself a nap break and let your iI take over, and you'll wake up with everything done exactly how you would have done it yourself.

[Warning, apple will not take responsibility if your friends and family prefer spending time with your iI instead of the real you]

Denisey94 for...

The iLlama,

Price: 18 goats and a shekel

Product Description: It'll be your beast of burden without the spitting or manure.

and babydoll-tif for...

The iSparknotes

Product Description: Get your daily dosage of awesomeness on the go! It's a one-of-a-kind touch screen device that lets you get instant advice from auntie sparknotes for almost anything from relationship problems to family issues, as well as getting the latest funny jokes and random blogs from Dan the man! Also includes the Open Thread Blog/messegner and apps all dedicated to Harry Potter, and the hatred of Twilight (Except for Edward and Emmert of course!)

Apperance and Accessories: Jet-packshaped touch phone with anti-sweat screen (For those sweaty people out there)

Price: Why put a price on something THIS awesome?

*Disclaimer* Awesome sauce sold seperately. Jet-pack fuel not included. Do not try to ride on the jetpack. as it's not actually a functioning one.

LOL Points to...

readysetrosemary for this comment, which is also this ed's complete biography, on

How to Act Around People You Just FAILed All Over...

Oh man. My life is constantly full of fail. But I deal with fail in 5 easy steps..

1. Freeze. This is the "OMG-did-I-really-just-say/do-that??" moment. This can also be called, "Crap."

2. Stress Silently. The next few minutes are filled with the other person/people chatting away as I silently (and mentally) kick myself in the shins repeatedly. Or, if the situation is awkward enough, it is filled with, uhm.. awkward silence. Note: if the other party/ies are still carrying on normally, this presents another chance for me to fail yet again by missing out on the conversation. Because all that mental kicking is rather distracting. And painful.

3. More stressing. We're still not through this part yet, people.

4. Grudging acceptance. This is the, "Yes-you-idiot-you-really-did-just-say/do-that-Now-get-back-to-wh at-you-were-doing" moment.

5. Haunting. The "Crap." feeling attacks once again, weeks later, without warning and when you least expect it.

Most of the time, even if you remember something embarassing, the other people won't, so I try not to sweat it.. too much..

WiseKnowMonsters for this comment on How to Kiss: Making the First Move...

My first kiss was probably the best out there... I mean damn... My computer was smokin' (probably overheating, meh.) Plus, that Voldie from AVPM was a great kisser. No awkward silence afterwords, just singing.

aleyna22 for this comment on the same post...

OKAY, why is kissing so complicated?

I mean, there are so many posts explaining how to do it.

I think, if I ever even try to kiss a guy, that my lips will probably twist into a giant knot, fall off, and then bounce away down the sidewalk, or something.

jtjuvenile for this comment on Wise Advice for Freshmen Girls...

Stay away from any burritos in your school. < This is a vital piece of information that shall prevent you from making a fool of yourself by BARFING all over your crush in the cafetaria.

dim_dancer for this comment on How to Be Awesome: The Basics...

wow i love it but im already awsome *hairflip and falls off of chair* well at least people tell me im special

Sepia93 for this comment on The Committee of Cool...

I learned that Emma is capable of acting like a mentally advanced 7 yr old too. ATTENTION: THERE IS MORE THAN ONE CHELSEA DAGGER OUT THERE. HER NAME IS EMMA.

Woah. Did you just feel that? A creepy shiver ran down my back. It's from knowing THERE'S MORE THAN ONE CHELSEA DAGGER IN THE WORLD.

PercyJacksonFan for this comment on Blogging a Gun Threat at School...

One time the elementary school in my town was put on lock-down for a day because they sighted a man that escaped from the state prison (which is about 2 hours away) nearby eating a burrito at a Mexican food place. It turns out that the person they sighted was just an innocent man that looked like the escaped felon eating a burrito. Poor guy.

We had a lock down drill one time in programming class. We were one of the last classes to be released. Everyone basically took the cubbyhole under the computer and got comfortable. One of my senior friends fell asleep. I woke him up by hitting him with a chair. We were in the drill so long he had a very nice nap.

The_Familiar for this comment on Bad Dinner Table Conversation Topics...

Injuries are a bad thing to discuss too.

HEY GUYS, WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE TIME I CRASHED DOWN THE MOUNTAIN ON MY KAYAK AND WOKE UP TO FIND MY LEFT ARM LYING FIVE FEET AWAY?

No. No we don't.

neomaxizoomdwbi for this comment on the same post...

7. Sexual remarks, jokes or stories

This conversation begins with one sexual remark, and soon the rest of the table will hop on the bandwagon. By the end of dinner you will have learned some things about the cat lady down the street that you wish you could erase from your memory.

Example: [CENSORED FOR CONTENT]

Wizard_Allie for...

haha at my house, our kitchen table has this giant dent in it from when my grandfather (my mom inherited the table from him)once slammed the salt shaker down and yelled, "Not at the table!!" He apparently did this whenever someone brought up a remotely gross topic...

aleyna22 for...

My grandma once told me about how she got a hickey on her tongue and was embarrassed to tell the doctor what it was.

Not the best conversation topic on Thanksgiving.

lost_in_mirkwood for this comment on Auntie SparkNotes: A Double Shot of Evil...

I may need something to counteract a double shot of evil. Anyone have some duck tape so I can keep my halo in place? It's slipping past my ears again.

Saphiraspell for this comment on the same post...

Is it a bad thing that I fell out of my chair laughing when I read "I need your advice, for I believe that I am a deeply evil person"? xD Best. Sentence. EVAH.

MadamePresident7 for this comment on Hating You Is a Lot Like Falling in Love...

True story:

I was listening to the radio and Baby came on the radio. I turned to my sister and said, "This girl has a nice voice." And my sister looked at me, very concerned, and said, "You know that's Justin Beiber right?"

I seriously had no idea. I thought it was a girl singing...

abbyiscool13 for this comment on Analyzing Your Summer Footwear...

i disagree with mark twain. naked people have the influence to make people stare at them or run in the other direction screaming.

mrs.draco416 for this comment on Benefits of Ordering Off the Kids' Menu...

i always order off the kids menu  except for at the Moe's near my house, they actually ask you if your 12 and even if you say yes, they're like "um, no you're not, order something else" :p

JuJukins for this comment on Auntie SparkNotes: Makeup Wakeup...

The setting on my makeup gun is "Hermione Granger: Yule Ball Edition".

romancingvulcans for this comment on The Ellie Report: Don’t Let Your Breakup Break You Down...

This post is saying obesity is the cure for heartache. Might I recommend a two-miler of hatred? Might as well be a sad muffin that is in shape

CrayonsWIN for this comment on What Not To Do When Your Meet Dan Bergstein...

tomorrow's headline: what to do when you meet auntie sparknotes by dan bergstein

1. smile awkwardly when she asks you to pose for a picture 2. lean on her shoulder

then she'll want you more than a friday award!

(is that possible?)

iluvfacetouching for this comment on Blogging Breaking Dawn Part 6...

Bella needs to learn the lesson that sex is not the answer to everything. Thats how young girls become prostitutes and members of the cast of The Real World.

Gary's Love Award goes to embracethecheese for this comment on What Not To Do When Your Meet Dan Bergstein...

AAAARGH, DARN YOU GARY! Gary ate my comment. He ate my POTENTIALLY-FRIDAY-AWARD-WORTHY comment.

Way to go there, Gary. Way to crush my hopes and dreams. Now the great Grand High Twilight Blogger will never see my name lit up (typed in orange...) and say in a tone of awe, "My goodness, that embracethecheese is certainly one brilliant person. I want her to be my minion." NEVER!!!

Come on, Gary! While you're at it, you might as well shut down Stanford University, slaughter my internet connection, and then go KILL A PUPPY!!!! *furious scream*

The Eating While Flirting Award goes to villanous_mwaha for this comment on Benefits to Ordering Off the Kids' Menu...

BREAKING NEWS PEOPLE!! I was in Pizza Express This waiter had the cutest face, fittest bod and HOTTEST tushi you will ever see. So I order off the kids menu, the whole shabang, even a tiny bambinoccino at the end! Didn't get his number, but I did get a cheeky wink as we left the place.

It is proven people, Kids Menus do work and one day, this post by Epicality shall be the saviour/making of us all.

The Almost Dying While Watching Other People Eat Award goes to amazinggrace7 for this comment on Burger King: How Could You?...

I worked at McDonalds for two years. It I've literally been scarred for life since my manager splashed me with boiling oil. I ended up quitting after there was another armed robbery and a girl threatened to bash me up when I wouldn't give her a free sundae. Stil, I'd prefer that to a Twilight poster.

Yikes! Have a safe, burning-oil-free weekend! Funniest and most creative answer(s) to (secret) question get a Friday Award! (HINT: One word can be spelled with or without a "u.")

**NOTE: This post was updated at 4:15 p.m. EST, when this ed got home and realized some of the colored letters in the anagram were too hard to see! Now, one whole word is given away. You might be able to find its double in a dull green, but you can ignore that.