Skip over navigation

Battle of the Side Dishes

Battle of the Side Dishes

By Lauren Passell

It's a side dish smackdown! We paired popular side dishes, weighed their strengths and weaknesses, and, after weeks of sleepless nights, marathon taste tests, and interviews with philosophers, theologians, and that kid who works the drive-thru at McDonalds, we've found a clear winner. Ready? Let's go!

BATTLE NUMBER ONE: Refried Beans Vs. Green Beans

Which tastes better on pizza? We're not going to go there.


Which tastes better on a stick? Refried beans are tough to get on a stick, but nothing sucks more than green beans. Win for RBs.
Which is a more viable weapon in a food fight?: Refried beans can be slung to and fro via spoons. Green beans can be tossed easily, but they don't stick. Refried beans are more disgusting and dangerous, so we like 'em.
Which is better frozen: Both are huge losers. Avoid freezing beans of all kinds at any cost.
Which one is more barf-inducing if you eat it and then go on an upside down roller coaster? Definitely refried beans.
Which one can you hide nasty entrees, like stringy pot roast, inside if absolutely necessary? Slather up that goose liver in ooey-gooey refried beans, yo!
Which one is better dipped in cheese? Refried beans. My burrito requires both frijoles and queso.
Winner: Refried Beans. The Green Giant isn't that intimidating. Who cares what he thinks.

BATTLE NUMBER TWO: Tater Tots vs. Snack Pack Pudding
Which tastes better on pizza? Tater tots.
Which tastes better on a stick? Same.
Which is a more viable weapon in a food fight?: The tots are tops once again. Their size makes them perfect for lodging down someone's shirt or pants, and they were made for slingshots.
Which is better frozen? Snack Pack Pudding.
Which one is more barf-inducing if you eat it and then go on an upside down roller coaster? Tater tots, but only if you were eating them on pizza.
Which one can you hide nasty entrees, like stringy pot roast, inside? Snack Pack Pudding. We just feel sorry for the sucker who digs into a Snack Pack and finds incognito pot roast.
Which one can be dipped in cheese? Cheesy tater tots... mmmmmmmm...
Celebrity Representatives: Napolean Dynamite kept tots in his pockets, and Billy Madison loved to pack Snack Packs in his lunch sack.
Winner: Tater Tots. Eating food that looks like baby food out of a little cup makes us feel like we're dining in a mental institution.

BATTLE NUMBER THREE: French Fries Vs. Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips
Which tastes better on pizza? French fries. It sounds too good to be true, but it's actually not.
Which tastes better on a stick? Don't try to put potato chips on a stick. People will think you're "special."
Which is a more viable weapon in a food fight?: I don't care how many arm curls you do; throwing potato chips does not illicit fear in your food fight opponents. Opt for the fries, which at least can be lathered in ketchup, slapped on someone's cheek, or thrown into someone's hair.
Which one is more barf-inducing if you eat it and then go on an upside down roller coaster? Fries?
Which one can be dipped in cheese? Cheesy french fries... mmmmmmmm...
Winner: French Fries. If someone sits on your bag of Lays, they're smashed, and snacktime is over. If someone sits on your carton of fries, you're legitimately disgusted, but technically not denied of your salty, fried treat.

BATTLE NUMBER FOUR: Mashed Potatoes Vs. Mozzarella Sticks (35 grams of carbs per serving category)
Which tastes better on pizza? Mozz Sticks
Which is a more viable weapon in a food fight?: Are we the only ones who dream of smashing Regina George's face in a huge platter of steaming... mashed potatoes? Anyone else? C'mon, don't be shy...
Which one can you hide nasty entrees, stringy pot roast, inside? Hiding nasty food is why mashed potatoes were invented. You could probably even hide yogurt in there.
Winner: Mashed Potatoes. Mozzarella sticks are made of fried cheese, which makes them awesome, but mashed potatoes' versatility and dummy-proofedness make them a landslide winner. They taste good with almost everything, and since it's easier to mash potatoes than fry and bread cheese, there is a lower possibility the chef will screw them up.

BATTLE NUMBER FIVE: Swedish Meatballs Vs. Nachos
Which tastes better on pizza? Swedish meatballs
Which tastes better on a stick? Swedish meatballs
Which is a more Viable Weapon in a Food Fight?: Swedish meatballs
And Yet: Nachos win. Sorry, sometimes life isn't fair.

Overall Winner: Mashed potatoes. Because we said so.

Do you concur? What side dish do you think comes out on top?

Related Post: What Your Snacking Style Says About You

Topics: Life
Tags: food, snacks, gross things, side dishes

Write your own comment!