The Ellie Report: Don't Let Your Breakup Break You Down

Ellielikespie, we could have really used this column BEFORE we went all Carrie Underwood on our ex's car. GAH. —Sparkitors

It's happened to the best of us: we wake up to a world filled with puppies, rainbows, and hopeful dreams of figuring out the ending of Inception, and 4 hours later, we’re sobbing and sticking pins into a make-shift voodoo doll of  the person who used to be the love of our life. Not that I know any of this from experience. It’s just a guess. But if I were speaking from experience, I’d say that Ibuprofen helps to take the swelling out of your puffy crying face. ANYWAY, when you’re dumped like a dirty lollipop, there are a few things to do and a few things to stay at least 2,567 miles away from.

1. Catch your breath. I know that it hurts, but it's important to remember that this is not the end of the world. Despite what you may feel like at the moment, your chest isn’t actually being ripped in two (cheer up, that's physically impossible!) and you will stop crying eventually. I promise.

2. DO NOT cut your own hair. Yes, that includes bangs. You may feel the need for a new beginning and a fresh look, but grabbing a pair of shears and pretending to be Edward Scissorhands is the wrong way to go about achieving it. Instead, wait two or three days. If you still want to change your hairstyle, go for it, but get it done by a PROFESSIONAL (preferably a sassy guy named Eugene who will tell you that you're 50 kinds of wonderful).

3. Don't torture yourself. DO NOT watch romantic comedies in an attempt to inject the romance back into your life. A marathon of Pretty in Pink, How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days, and 27 Dresses will not end in smiles; it will end in manic depression and an unfounded, blinding hatred of Katherine Heigl.

4. Don't cyber-stalk your ex. Checking his/her Facebook wall every 20 minutes is only going to turn you into an obsessive mess. If you can bear it (and you can!), unfriend that sucker. Oh, and resist the urge to send passive aggressive texts involving the words "forever," "liar," or "DEATH BE NOT PROUD."

5. Channel Taylor Swift. Write a song about how your ex broke your heart and was a down-low, no good dog. Make sure to drop names. Voila—next thing you know, you're a multi-millionaire with a number one hit titled "Brandon Cheats With Best Friends."

6. A pint of Ben and Jerry's can fix any malady of the heart. Drown your sorrows with a healthy portion (think 5 or 10 gallons) of cookie dough ice cream while surrounded by friends who can tell you just how much better off you are without your ex.

7. Listen to country music. I'm not usually a fan of country twang, but a few choruses of "White Liar" by Miranda Lambert is the best stress reliever I've ever experienced. Sure, my mom walked in and asked why I was screaming (she doesn't know good singing when she hears it), but I felt much better afterwards.

8. Revenge IS NOT a dish best served cold. If you want revenge, do better in school or get a totally legit Chinchilla named Spike. DO NOT slash your ex's tires or break his/her car windows. Carrie Underwood was lying in Before He Cheats: this kind of vandalism will end in jail time, not in a stunning video montage of you rockin' a baseball bat and tight pants.

If all else fails, remember that you've always got your SparkLife buddies! We're here for you!

Have any great tips for getting over a breakup? Do tell!

Related post: The Breakup Playlist