Dan Hacks Into Santa's Diary

It’s 90 degrees outside and the air smells like sunscreen and firework smoke. What better time to discuss Santa Claus and Halloween? The wonderful Jasmine (aka villainous_mwaha) and the wonderful Miss Marm were chatting about Santa and what he does on October 31st. Since I like to butt into conversations, here’s what I think:

Santa loves Halloween. In fact, it’s the only thing that keeps him sane during the long summer months. Santa doesn’t have much to do during the summer, and needs something to look forward to. That something is Halloween.

How do I know? I simply hacked into his online diary. (The password was “Blitz3n.”) Here are some highlights.

July 15
Not much to do up here. The elves all went to the movies. Did they ask me to join them? Nope. Pudding Pie told me, “You can come, if you want.” But that was a pity invite and Pudding Pie is such a suckup. I hate him. I hate all the elves. I didn’t want to go to the movies anyway. The theater is always too cold, and the lines are unbearable. I’d rather watch movies on DVD by myself. Who needs elves? Maybe I’ll do some Sudoku puzzles, or plan my Halloween costume. Whatever…

July 20
Mrs. Claus wants me to go through all the junk in the attic. I said there is no “junk” in the attic. One day those Beanie Babies are going to be worth something, and then I’ll have the last laugh. Helen just doesn’t get it. She’s trying to make me angry.

I should have married Lisa, the mermaid. Lisa was fine. Maybe I should look her up on Facebook.

The elves went rafting in the Poconos this weekend. They didn’t invite me…again.

I think I’m going as a Ghostbuster for Halloween. Or maybe I’ll paint myself blue and go as Fat Avatar.

July 31
The kids don’t write their lists until December, so what the hell should I do now? Sit around and wait? Should I just guess what the kids want? If I do that, I’ll end up with 6,000 Alvin and the Chipmunks action figures that I can’t even give away to the poor kids.

Mrs. Claus said I've forgotten how to have fun. Then we argued about money and how I don’t support her and her writing career. It’s not my fault that her novel is 1,000 pages of adverbs. It’s all like, “The clock ticked loudly” and, “The man walked loudly.” Everyone hates a critic, I guess.

Lisa, the mermaid, is on Facebook. She’s married and has three kids. She got fat. I also found my old girlfriend Diane the Forest Spirit. I sent her a friend request and am waiting to hear back. This could get interesting…

August 4
Today I watched two seasons of The West Wing in one sitting.

Diane the Forest Spirit is now a lawyer in Albany, NY. She looks OK.

August 12
So bored. Giggles the elf is having a barbeque later and I’m actually invited. But I’m not going. I hate those things. I never know what to talk about and everyone wants to give me milk and cookies. Dude! It’s freaking August! I don’t want milk! How about a damn burger and some potato salad, you mini-morons?!

I’m going to stay home and finish The West Wing.

August 30
I had a Sudoku puzzle nearly completed, down to the last box, and then I realized I repeated the number 6 in the third column. Threw out the puzzle and spent the rest of the day downloading Weezer songs. I had all the albums on CD, but I can’t find them now.

I told Beef Jerky the elf about my Halloween costume and he said, “Stop calling me Beef Jerky. My name is Chad.” I call him Beef Jerky because he hates it. And he smells like beef jerky.

Then I colored my fingernails with a ball point pen. I’m bored.

Diane the Lawyer stopped returning my Facebook messages. Whatever.

September 15
Took some old newspapers to the recycling center today. Then I took a nap. Then I watched Tropic Thunder with audio commentary. Say what you will about the movie, but Robert Downey Jr. is a damn fine actor.

September 16
Ice Road Truckers marathon? Don't mind if I do.

September 18
I could be an ice road trucker. I bet the Ice Road Truckers wouldn’t forget to invite me bowling.

I hate elves.

September 20
Got my first letter today from a little boy in Iowa. He wants an elephant. Yeah. That’s going to happen. Hey, Billy in Iowa, why not ask me for your own personal submarine or a new mommy while you’re at it?

September 21
I beat Super Mario Galaxy 2. Mrs. Claus didn’t seem to care. Then she flipped out because I forgot to buy wax paper. Oh, sorry, Helen. I didn’t buy the stupid wax paper. I was kind of busy, you know…BEING SANTA CLAUS!

I can’t take this tedium! If Halloween doesn’t come soon, I’m getting a divorce and moving to Albany. I swear.

My Ghostbuster costume is nearly done.

September 27
Halloween is almost here. Finally! I’ve already decorated the house with fake spider webs and I drew up plans for the haunted basement. I just need Beef Jerky to help me move the Ping-Pong table. This is going to be so rad!

October 2
The haunted basement is intense! There are going to be spiders, and a real snake, and this robot with a chainsaw! Oh man! And I ordered one of those CDs of scary sound effects. It should be here tomorrow. I’m going to dye my hair black!

October 15
The haunted basement is finished, and I synced up the music. I even got a strobe light from Radio Shack! Last night, I slept in my Ghostbuster costume. So excited!

October 20
Some kid today wrote me a letter asking for a “Harry Potter Kit.” What the hell does that even mean?

I got eight bags of Snickers to give out to trick-or-treaters. Might get another bag or two just be safe.

October 29
I love this time of year! I redesigned the haunted basement and added a smoke machine. Mrs. Claus says I spent too much money. Then I said something rude about her neck, and now she’s at her sister’s house. Whatever…Nothing can ruin my Halloween buzz!

October 31
It’s Halloween, baby! This is my favorite time of the year. I don’t have to work my ass off delivering toys and instead can just sit back and enjoy myself. It’s 5 o’clock. The trick-or-treaters should be arriving soon. Everything is set up, and my costume is RE-DONK-U-LOUS! I should take a photo and send it to CNN. They’d love it!

November 1
Whatever.

I only had three trick-or-treaters last night, and I’m pretty sure two of them were Beef Jerky dressed up in different costumes. Pudding Pie said, “Kids can’t come all the way to the North Pole just for a fun-sized Snickers.” I fired Pudding Pie.

Who cares? I can’t worry about Halloween. Christmas is almost here. And there’s much work to be done. Mrs. Claus and I reconciled, and the elves apologized for not inviting me to their Halloween Sleepover. So things are looking up. This is going to be the best Christmas yet!

Is this Dan's best post ever?

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