Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 6
Chapter Six: Distractions
Better Title: Disregard That Last Chapter…And Most of the First Three Books
Before we begin, you should know that Stephenie Meyer uses the word "sex" twice in this chapter. Upon reading the scandalous word, I became so worked up that I joined a gang, and burned down several hospitals. Then I ran around the house with scissors, and coughed without covering my mouth. Perhaps she was right to omit the word from her prose. It is a powerful word, indeed.
The reasons to hate Bella have skyrocketed with this chapter. I never waved a Team Bella flag before because I always found her to be bratty, selfish, and the world's biggest complainer since Charlie Brown (particularly Charlie Brown in his angst-ridden teen years when he started listening to thrash metal). Not to mention the fact that Bella is helpless, dependent, and clingy. After this chapter, the list of Bella faults includes "insane" and "not sane at all."
How would you feel if someone told you, "I need an apple. If I don't get an apple my world will end. I need an apple, and I need it now!" and then, after you'd given her an apple, said, "Oh. I don't really want it anymore"? You'd be overcome with the powerful desire to punch something named Bella, wouldn't you? This is how I feel after reading this chapter.
Bella, please stop having thoughts. Thank you.
For pages and pages, Ms. Swan has been telling us that she needs to be turned into a vampire immediately because the idea of being just one day older than Edward is something her feeble brain can't handle. This was a major theme of New Moon. (Other themes include: the healing process, werewolves are amazing, and how to deal with things in the worst possible way.)
If you haven't already, go back to the first three books and rip out all the pages of Bella whining about growing old, because she doesn't feel that way anymore. Instead, she's basking in the human experience and tells Edward that they should wait to turn her into a vampire.
That's the result of me smacking my face against the keyboard. (I take pride in having a very firm nose.)
She defends her new attitude towards vampirism by saying ridiculous things about love and forever. But there are two real reasons why she wishes to stay human.
First, she's horny and loves sex. The girl not only enjoys special hugs, but during the act of hugging, she loses consciousness and doesn't even know that Edward has torn apart the bed. (More on this in a few paragraphs.) She doesn't want to become a blood-craving lunatic now, after discovering how neat sex feels. That almost makes sense. Except it goes against every part of Bella's ideology and character. It would be like Indiana Jones suddenly saying, "I no longer want to have adventures. I want to sit on the couch and eat cheese curls because I've just discovered that cheese curls are delicious."
But I think the main reason she changed her mind suddenly is that Stephenie Meyer doesn't know what else to do with her. In blog after blog I've been screaming that if Bella became a vampire, everything would be splendid and this book would be over and we could all go back to playing this game I just invited called Spit Golf (it uses saliva instead of a golf ball and…Oh you get the idea.). Ms. Meyer knows I'm right, and needed a way to keep Bella human long enough to knock out another book in the series. Before starring in this chapter, I imagine Bella walking into Ms. Meyer's office and having the following conversation:
BELLA: Hey boss, can we talk?
MEYER: Shut the door, sweetie. What's troubling you?
BELLA: Well, in the book, it doesn’t really make sense that I'm still human.
BELLA: I mean, I should have became a vampire at the end of the first book. And then Edward and I could have had a wonderful life together. It's what I always wanted.
MEYER: [FEEDS THE CROW PERCHED ON HER SHOULDER] Well, well, well. Little Miss Ugly wants to be a vampire, is it?
BELLA: There's no need for name calling.
MEYER: Oh, I think there is. You can't come into my office and tell me how to do my job. You will not become a vampire, my dear. Not now. Not until I have enough money to buy Portugal and all the hats in the land…mwah-ha-ha! [OFFERS BELLA A POISONOUS APPLE]
BELLA: Um…no thanks. I'm full. But it doesn't make sense. Why are Edward and I even having a honeymoon together? We had sex. It was great. But shouldn't I be turned into a vampire now? Wasn't that the deal? It's been weeks. Why am I going snorkeling and wearing lingerie? Did you confuse my priorities?
MEYER: [BLOWS A KISS TO HER EVIL PET SNAKE] You don't like snorkeling, my little lamb?
BELLA: No. It's fun. But…what are we waiting for? I thought I hated getting older. This was my main motivating factor. Make me a vampire. After the big change, I can go snorkeling all day, if I wanted.
MEYER: [STROKES THE EVIL CAT SITTING IN HER LAP] Run along, little lamb. You do as I say, or else…
MEYER: [PATS HER EVIL TURTLE ON THE HEAD] What did you say?
BELLA: I’m not afraid of you.
MEYER: [SMILES WIDE LIKE THE GRINCH] Reeeeally?
BELLA: I know what you did to Jacob. You made him a weak crybaby. And I know you killed E-rock. I'm going to call the cops. I'm going to—
MEYER: But my sweet little Bella, how will you call the cops without…your voice?! [USES MAGIC POWERS TO STEAL BELLA'S VOICE]
MEYER: Now, you will do what I say, when I say. If you don't like it, I will have your character killed…by Marcus. Yes…how pitiful. You would be the laughingstock of my kingdom.
BELLA: [LOOKS TO THE FLOOR, DEFEATED]
MEYER: [SCRATCHING THE BELLY OF HER EVIL PET SCHNAUZER] Go back to your honeymoon, Swan. I have returned your voice. Go back and be boring and senseless. You are to remain human until I'm ready. By the way, you're pregnant.
BELLA: That seems obvious and clichéd.
MEYER: "Obvious" and "Clichéd" are my middle names. [LIGHTNING CRASHES AS MEYER CRADLES HER VILLAINOUS PET SEAHORSE]
Wait. I got lost in that scenario. What were we talking about? Oh yeah…So Bella wants to say human, and I don't know why.
For most of this chapter, Bella is tired. Edward spends the day taking Bella on hiking adventures and swimming underwater in an effort to drain her energy. It works, and at the end of each day, she collapses and falls sound asleep.
Of course, Bella is still trying to have sex with Edward, despite his proclamation that no special hugs will be given until she is a vampire. She prances around in her new underpants, and Edward tries not to notice. The two remain PG-13. That all changes by the end of the chapter, in yet another example of a character's rules and beliefs vanishing for no real reason as Edward more or less says, "We can have sex after all. Forget everything I've ever said."
They've been on the island for over a week now, and just about every night Bella has a bad dream about babies. The author also makes a point to tell us that Bella eats a lot of eggs in this chapter.
Hmm…egg imagery coupled with dreams of infants. I wonder if Bella is pregnant? It's surprising that Stephenie Meyer didn't really drive the point home by having Bella say, "Rabbits are a symbol of fertility. I'm overcome with the desire to own one. Isn't that weird? Also, I've always wondered what my stomach would look like if it were filled with another, tiny human being that shares my DNA. Oh well. I'm sure that thought is irrelevant. By the way, I missed my period. I bet it's because I'm in love."
Bella tries to lure Edward into the bed. She even offers to attend Dartmouth for an entire semester, if only Edward will get sexy with her. She's begging for sex. It's sad, and I feel bad for her. She shouldn't have to make deals and schemes to enjoy time with her husband. Edward is being a dork. And up until this part of the chapter, I sympathized with Belly. But then she goes into the whole, "Now I want to be human forever," spiel and a part of me dies inside. (I think it was my adrenal gland.)
Edward refuses the deal. And then comes page 106, in which Bella wakes up crying from a dream. But it wasn't a bad dream. I don't know what the dream was about, but I think she had sex with Edward on the beach…or something. Someone explain this to me, and I will give you 20 Dan Points.
This wonderful dream makes her cry like a maniac, and Edward doesn't know what to do. So…they have sex again. Problem solved.
Note: Edward would make a lousy camp counselor. He would sleep with every camper who was homesick, or stung by a bee and began crying. It's the only way he knows how to cope with tears.
This session of physical love is slightly less violent. Again, we don't witness the hug, just read about it the morning after. Bella isn't injured at all this time. But Edward did managed to destroy the bed frame and rip apart the headboard. Bella is shocked to see this, and didn’t notice it had happened during the hugging process.
How can someone not notice that a bed frame is breaking and the headboard is being destroyed? If Bella needs to have her wisdom teeth extracted, don't bother with the anesthesia. She just needs to have sex to take her mind off the surgery.
The two lovers giggle about the broken bed, and Edward is happy to report that he controlled himself this time. As she eats her fertility symbolism eggs, Bella suggests that with a little practice, things will only get better.
She then discusses going to Dartmouth. Edward laughs, thinking she's only saying this as a way to persuade him back into bed. But Bella is being honest. She wants to be human!
Bella suggests that staying human for a little while longer may be a good idea. She could go to college and visit her mom in Florida and everything would be perfect. Edward likes the idea and the two are about to have there third special hug, when the house cleaners arrive.
(My nose finally gave out.)
House cleaners? On a tropical island? In the middle of the day? In a home with many, many windows?
Remember back in New Moon, when Edward's plan to commit suicide was to stand topless in the sun, revealing to the world that vampires exist, and knowing that upon doing so the Volturi would rip him apart? Remember that? I remember that. I also remember that Stephenie Meyer told us all that vampires sparkle brightly in sunlight.
For 6,000 Dan Points, explain to me how these two house cleaners don't notice sparkling Edward?
As soon as the house cleaners leave, Bella and Edward go at it for round three and I wonder if this book has a plot, or if Ms. Meyer simply enjoys killing trees for the precious pulpy paper material.
Murmurs: 2 (Book Total: 16)
Mutters: 5 (Book Total: 12)
Excerpt from Page 678 of Breaking Dawn
Today was pretty cool, I guess. Edward got me another pony. It wasn't pink like I asked, so I shot it in the face. Then Edward and I had sex…again. It was amazing and junk. He broke another bed. Then Edward built me a castle. It's OK. It doesn't fly or anything. And the elevator takes forever. Maybe I'll just use it as a closet.
I wanted to watch Snow White tonight, but we couldn't find the DVD. So Edward quickly drew each and every animation cell and made a giant flip book for me. It sucked pretty bad because Edward forgot to color in one of Dopey's shoes in this one scene. I burned the flip book in a fire I made from beautiful antique furniture.
Edward asked if there was anything else I wanted. I said I wanted a kitten with the head of a monkey. So Edward is out back bio-engineering. It better be pink.
I don't want to go to sleep because I'll have that horrible dream of having a paper cut. Oh the horror! The thought of a paper cut fills me with dread. How can one soul deal with such tragedy!
Edward just came into the room. The monkey-cat is finished. It's more red than pink. Ugh. I hate my life.
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