The food scientists here at SparkLife have done extensive, extremely unreliable research to answer one of the most important questions of all time: what, exactly, does your burrito say about you? Read on for our decidedly inconclusive findings, and prepare to have your world ROCKED.
1. Rice and Beans Burrito: You're a big fan of this old stan-by because it's easy, simple, and quick, right? WRONG. Your minimalist taste in burritos is merely a facade masking a deep-seated fear of commitment. Currently, this fear only manifests itself as the inability to chose unqiue burrito fillings, but there's a very real chance that one day, you'll wind up as a runaway bride (yes, even if you're a guy). Do you want to spend the rest of your life thinking “Oh god, chicken, beef, or dying alone because I don’t know how to trust anyone?” before you order a burrito?! NO. Free will. It’s terrifying. DEAL WITH IT.
2. Chicken Burrito: Chicken: everyone loves it, and everything tastes like it. It’s better than nothing, but nothing special (maybe those chicken guys should have come to us for their advertising campaign). If chicken is your filling of choice, you’re clearly trapped in a rut, and the only way to get out of it is this: “Don't stop believin'/Hold on to the feelin', yeah/ Streetlights, people, oh-oh-woah!” Those may or may not be lyrics from a Journey song (they are), and in their own ambiguous way, they're trying to tell you that you've got to pull yourself out of this poultry-induced slump. Otherwise, you'll realize halfway through your senior year that you filled out an application for a job at the gas station, and that for the past month you’ve been referring to it, without irony, as your “safety school.”
3. Beef Burrito: Beef, the choice of the decisive and empowered. Huzzah! You 20-ton, road-tearin,’ Mack truck of a human, you! Yup, you are poised for great things; you're still in high school, but we bet you’ve already got the next 30 years planned out. But wait…
“What?” you ask, stuffing your face with a delicious beef burrito.
Oh nothing, it’s just the sound of our planet dying in a methane explosion from all the cow farts.
“Blhhh?” you say, your mouth crammed with beef.
OK, the planet exploding isn’t real, but climate change is. The larger point is that your actions have repercussions, pal. While you were busy planning out every step of your life, you neglected to factor in those around you. Now, we’re not saying you have to give up beef—just be aware that your food habits are the reason behind the inevitable death of this ticking time bomb of a planet.
4. Burrito with All the Trimmins: A little guacamole, some sour cream… and don't forget the red sauce. If you’re the type who always orders a burrito with everything, we’re betting you’re a bit of a pack rat. Take a look around your room: do you have a closet full of clothes you’ve only worn once? Do you have more than 25 Justin Beiber posters? If so, a spartan lifestyle is your best chance at survival. Start by donating everything you haven't used in a year; sure, it will hurt to see those boxes fill up with your ironic kimono collection and your hand-me-down VHS copies of REAL WORLD reruns, but you've got to let it GO. You’ll not only find that the walkable square footage in your room has doubled, you’ll realize you never needed that stuff in the first place.
5. Open Face Burrito: Every time you eat an open face burrito, a puppy dies. Why? Because you’re desecrating something beautiful. A burrito isn’t a burrito if you undo it! Open face burrito eaters care nothing for the rules—they actually enjoy breaking them. If you see an open-faced burrito eater, run. They have only pain to offer you. These people are BC Calculus teachers in the making, and they are beyond our power to heal.
6. Burrito with Cilantro and Aged Gouda: That combination sounds delicious—on anything except a burrito. Special cheeses and toppings are the hallmark of someone who is never pleased. You set the bar impossibly high, and if you continue lusting for unattainable and unreasonable things, you'll end up leasing Italian sports cars and then crashing them just for the insurance money. Which sort of sounds like fun. BUT NOT REALLY.
7. Burrito With An Olive: If you like your burrito with a pimento olive on the side, you’re probably a spy for the British government, but you're still too young for martinis. Wow, that one was easy!
8. Burrito With Grover Meat: You…You…we don’t even have the words to express our outrage. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?! The type of person who likes burritos with Grover meat is NOT a person at all, but a heartless monster. No, don’t try to explain yourself. You may be sorry, but you can never be sorry enough. And no, we most certainly don’t want to try one of his googly eyes, you FIEND.
So, now that we've made you extremely self-conscious: what do you like in your burrito?
Related post: What Your Snacking Style Says About You
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