How to Be Awesome: The Basics

Welcome to jgrudzy's LOL-worthy new column, How To Be Awesome, which is 5 percent grounded in reality and 95 percent absurd. Sparklers, think twice before trying this stuff at home! —Sparkitors

Face it: You want to be awesome. Who doesn't? Today I'll be giving you a sort of cliff to jump off...into a... waterfall...of...awesomesauce? Yeah. That's what I'll do. Okay, so here are preliminary steps you can take to get more awesome:

Step 1: Change your name
You may be happy with your name, but, chances are, it's not awesome. You need to change it. If you don't believe me, look at all the famous people who changed their names: Prince, Madonna, Bono, Buddy Holly, Chuck Norris, and yes, Miley Cyrus (and that's just a few). Your new name doesn't have to be anything dramatic, nor does it have to be eccentric. It just has to be memorable and easy, like Annabelle Bee or Jake Alligator, so that people remember it when you're famous. Which leads me to...

Step 2: Get Famous
Being famous is an important factor in your awesomeness. You don't need to be famous for being something spectacularly stupid, like being the next Disney princess or getting some kind of acting contract with ABC Family; you just need to have a handful of people know who you are, but not vice versa. The unknown fan factor is what determines your fame. You need several complete strangers to be able to recognize you in public and tell you more about yourself than you can.

There are a couple of ways to accomplish this: You can a) post random information about yourself on a website/billboard and pay strangers to look it up, b) do something incredibly dumb and get on the news, or c) actually do something that other people will like. I don't think I need to tell you which of those is the least likely to happen.

If all of these options seem just beyond your reach, you could just do a really dramatic job at step 3, which is...

Step 3: Change your Appearance
If you already look awesome (which you may), you don't need this. Maybe you get told you look awesome on a regular basis; if so, skip down to step 4. Otherwise, it's time for a new look. It doesn't need to be a good look, it just needs to be new. When you make changes to yourself, people will notice. They'll be curious about you, even if you look kind of goofy. And when everyone wants to know you, you're on your way to fame and awesomeness.

Step 4: Wish Upon a Star
Do you ever watch Disney? Obviously, wishing on the nearest star (or helicopter, for you city-dwellers) is an important step to having all your dreams come true (eg, being awesome). So go outside, or to the airport, right now, and make a wish. Don't tell me what it is, though, or it won't come true.

That should put you on the right track to AwesomeVille. More detailed instructions will follow.

How awesome are you?

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