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Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 5

Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 5

Chapter Five: Isle Esme
Better Title: Tee-hee

For the first dozen or so pages of this chapter, I wasn't sure if Bella and Edward had sex, or if they spent their wedding night playing rigorous street hockey. But then all is revealed, in a roundabout, convoluted manner. While Stephenie Meyer has yet to type the letters S, E, and X together, (she won't even mention a sextant or sextuplets), at the end of the chapter, Edward refers to "making love." So I'm pretty sure Bella and Edward did the nasty. But, for all we know, Bella and Edward went to the Build-a-Bear Workshop and crafted a surfing teddy bear they called Love, in which case "making love" has a whole new, pathetic meaning.

Before we go on, is there a point to this novel? For the past 95 pages, it's just Bella getting everything she wants. This book should be called "Bella's Life is Perfect: The Quest for Conflict" or perhaps, "Y'all Are Just Jealous: One Woman's Journey." A bad guy better show up soon or else I'll hold my breath until I die. I'll really do it, too. I've done it before…sort of.

This chapter picks up with Edward and Bella taking various planes as they venture to a mysterious tropical island getaway for their honeymoon. During the trip, Bella remarks on how the sun is setting through the window. You might be wondering how everyone is reacting to Edward's sparkling skin. It's not explained, because either:

1. Ms. Meyer thinks we're idiots.
2. I skipped the part in which Edward said, "By the way, Lamb, my skin won't sparkle on Saturdays when I'm at least 1,000 feet above sea level because we're in love."
3. The other passengers are reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and are too engrossed to notice as they remark to each other, "Ooh. How about all that intrigue? There sure is a lot of intrigue. Intrigue!"
4. Edward has been lying about the whole vampire thing, and he's really just some sad dude with a trust fund.
5. Ms. Meyer is an idiot.

They land in Brazil, hop on a boat for the rest of the tip, and arrive at a private island called "Isle Esme," which was a gift that Carlisle got for his wife, hence the name. I bet she has a closet filled with lavish presents from Dr. Cullen, such as Laptop Esme, Necklace Esme, Chunky Purple Bracelet Esme, Sears Gift Card Esme, and Nintendo DS Esme.

I'm a bit pissed, because ever since I was little, I wanted to name my isle Esme. I guess I can still use it for my isthmus. Isthmus Esme does have a nice ring to it. Plus, I have a few back-up names for my isle, including: Dan Town, New Pennsylvania, Belligerent Timothy, Kyle the Isle, Un-Russia, and Ft. Robocop.

If the Cullens have their own damn island, why they hell don't they live there all the damn time, away from humans, temptation, and damn danger? Why must the Cullens live amongst us? Carlisle may enjoy working as a doctor, but as I've said before, the rest of the C-gang are nothing but loafers and slackers. They could be living on their own island in the sun, but instead choose to live in gloomy, depressing Forks, WA. I guess the Cullens hate nice things. If you offered them the chance to ride the world's fastest roller coaster, they would say, "No thanks. We'd rather wait in line to ride the kiddie train. It goes through an Old West town! Weee!"

Edward, realizing that Bella needs a moment to herself, goes skinny dipping in the ocean. Bella takes a shower and tells us what it feels like to be nervous. She notices that Alice packed new clothes for her, including a bunch of fancy lingerie, which I spelled correctly on my first try. Yay!

The sight of the skimpy undies makes Bella panic, and she's not sure what to do. Finally, after describing love and fear for about eight hours, she walks to the beach wearing only a towel and sees Nude Edward. He's waist-deep in water, so there's no description of his bad bits. But that doesn't stop Bella from going on and on about his appearance. For fun, go to any sentence in which Bella describes Eddie and add the phrase, "like a cynical walrus," to the end.

Bella drops her towel, shows the world her plumbing, and joins Edward in the warm ocean water. They hug. They talk about forever. And then…

[GIGGLE]

Hahahahaha….they totally did it! They did it all night! They had the sex!

We don't get to read about the actual special hug. Instead, we learn about it through Bella's thoughts and dialogue the next day. And from what I gather, it was a wild night of wrestling and pillow biting.

Now, let's have a grown-up, sophisticated discussion regarding vampire special hugs.

1. Is [GIGGLE]?
Sorry. I can't ask this question because even thinking about it makes me blush. Hahahaha…organs…Hahaha.

2. How can this feel good?
Vampires are like rocks. They're not mushy like humans. When Bella and Edward engage in a normal hug, I let it slide because Bella can still hold on tight to Edward like he's a statue. It's weird and it must feel like she's groping a fire hydrant, but it's possible. And when they make out, Bella must feel like she's kissing my pencil sharpener; it's hard, unpleasant, and tastes like squirrel blood. But again, I can see past that.

However, special hugs involve more touching and kissing than a normal make-out session. Without getting graphic, a special hug requires a great deal of friction, movement, and the colliding of bodies. Sex with a vampire would be like running into the brick wall again, and again, and again. And this feels nice?

3. How does Edward…um…[BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
Sorry. Sorry. Moving on…

4. Does Edward have saliva?
This has less to do with sex than it does with smooching in general, but they never mention Edward's spit. Is his mouth all leathery and scaly? Stick your tongue out and let it dry for a few seconds. It feels gross, right? That is what Bella feels every time she slips Edward the tongue. Yep, Eddie is quite the catch.

5. If Edward is, like…you know? [GIGGLE, SNORT]
Because how can he, er…without being, um…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wieners.

Bella wakes up feeling like a new woman. She is euphoric and for the first time, she doesn't whine at all…for about one entire page.

The night of naked passion was a rousing success and she can't wait to go over every naughty detail with her new husband. But Edward isn't so thrilled with the special hug. This ends Bella's bliss and she once again becomes The Mistress of Mope.

Bella is annoyed that Edward is acting sad and angry. He says she needs to look at her body to realize what he did to her last night. I was expecting to find out that Bella is missing a leg or perhaps her ear had been sewn to her shins. Instead, she has some mild bruises on her arms. But this is enough to make Edward act like a pansy and for the rest of the chapter, the newlyweds bicker about Bella's injuries.

Is this the big conflict of the novel? Is the nemesis of this story Edward's inability to listen to reason? Given the choice, I may take the lackluster Victoria over this new problem.

Bella maintains that the tiny bruises are nothing compared to the wonderful, special hug they shared. Edward doesn't believe her, and thinks she's injured far more than she's letting on.

Bella flips out. She says Edward is "Killing my buzz." Wah wah wah. Poor Bella gets what she's always wanted and it's still not enough. Perhaps she also wanted a puppy that never grows old, a new leather jacket, some meatballs, and an unreleased Beatles double album.

And what's worse is that Edward is acting even more ignorant and illogical than Bella. Sure, Bella has some bruises. But aside from that, she's fine. He didn't kill her. He didn't break her bones. He didn't chop off her ear and sew it to her shins like I expected. So why is he acting like someone just shot his kitten?

Bella's bruised body sends Edward into a rant about control, desire, and mistakes. I will say this of Breaking Dawn: it took an impressive 94 pages before I threw the book against the wall. This book is a hardback, so the noise and dent are much more satisfying.

What's happening doesn't make a sense. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't their first attempt at having a special hug be the most dangerous because Edward didn't really know what to expect? And now that Bella is fine, albeit bruised, isn't that a sign that these two can get it on again and again? There's no problem here.

This series of books is all about making problems where none exist. Had Stephenie Meyer written Hamlet, the story wouldn't be about Hammie's dead daddy, but instead about some inexplicable dilemma involving Hamlet's desire to eat cherries despite the fact that he's allergic to cherries.

HAMLET:
O' sweet orbs of juice that beckon my heart like whispers of tempt. Mine skin doth itch when inside me you dwell. Away, take these devil's eyes!
ROSENCRANTZ: Dude. Eat a banana instead.
HAMLET: Yours is the tongue of fools!

I understand that Edward hates the thought of hurting Bella. But he should see that Bella Swan-Cullen is perfectly fine. Why can't Edward enjoy himself and appreciate the moment? Why is he such a sourpuss? If he went to a party, he would spend the entire time making sure no one got chocolate on the drapes. Of course, Edward doesn't go to parties because he has no friends because he's the world's biggest jackass since E.T. (I still don't understand why E.T. never came back to visit Elliot. What a turd.)

Edward says that until Bella becomes a vampire, having sex is out of the question. That's nice of him. Any good marriage begins with the husband making decrees. (Sarcasm hand raised so high I can tickle the clouds.)

Murmurs: 4 (Book Total: 14)
Mutters: 1 (Book Total: 7)

Prediction:
After breakfast, Bella and Edward continue to argue.

EDWARD: We can't have nude passion again, Lamb, because it will kill you.
BELLA: No it won't. I'm fine! I'm totally fine!
EDWARD: You don't understand. I lost control last night. I took one of your kidneys.
BELLA: You did what?
EDWARD: I lost control and was overpowered by lust. Stealing your kidney just felt like the right thing to do. You didn't notice because you were in the throes of passion.
BELLA: No biggie. I have another kidney. I'll just hide my second one next time, maybe shove it down to my ankle. Then you can't get it. [TRIES TO MOVE HER REMAINING KIDNEY WITH A ROLLING PIN]
EDWARD: It's still too dangerous. I did more than steal your kidney…
BELLA: What else did you do to me?
EDWARD: Well, in the heat of the moment, I gave you a cavity. A deep one.
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: [ASHAMED] Yes. I lost control, Bella. This is what I was afraid of.
BELLA: A cavity isn't a huge deal. I can go to the dentist.
EDWARD: But there's more. At about 2 a.m., when you left to get a drink of water, I posted a Facebook picture of you on the toilet. I…I lost control Bella.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: I knew this would happen. I couldn't control my actions. I was running on pure animal instincts. Overwhelmed with passion, posting that photo just felt right. I'm sorry.
BELLA: That doesn't make sense.
EDWARD: I also wrote, "Fat Chick" on your back with a permanent marker.
BELLA:
EDWARD: See! I told you it was dangerous. When you're a vampire, things will be different.
BELLA: It's OK. Really. By the way, why are my nostrils glued shut?
EDWARD: It's not my fault, Lamb. It's the passion. Well, the passion and the glue.

HAHAHAHAHA! Need more laughs? Visit the Blogging Twilight archives!

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging breaking dawn

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