Life According to Music Videos

thanks to booksroxmysox09, we. caught. the. love. disease. in. slow. motion. oh. look! fake. explosion!— Sparkitors

Summer is finally upon us, and that means the dreaded horror of SUMMER TV (dun dun duuuun) is upon us as well. Luckily, there's a way to avoid endless Hannah Montana re-runs: MTV plays music videos on a continuous loop, and watching them is the perfect way to wile away the lazy hours of your vacation. HOWEVER, I should warn you that most music videos seem to present a distorted version of reality. Who better to give them a reality check than ME?

Reality Check #1: Why is everything in slow motion? I know slow motion is supposed to introduce drama into these three-minute music videos, but SERIOUSLY! If this kind of thing happened in the real world, it would be absurd.

MAN: I. love. you. But. my. family. won't. let. us. be. together.
WOMAN: Why. are. you. talking. like. that?
MAN: Like. what?
WOMAN: We. are. both. taking. unnecessary. pauses.
MAN: HOLY. SNOOD! WE. ARE. IN. SLOW. MOTION! QUICK! MAKE. SOMETHING. BLOW. UP!
WOMAN: Why?
MAN: BECAUSE. WE. MUST. BE. IN. A. MUSIC. VIDEO! AND. SLOW-MO. EXPLOSIONS. ARE. COOOL!
WOMAN: You're. a. moron.

Reality Check #2: Why is everyone FLAWLESS? Washboard abs, shiny hair, and great ass-ets; these are the staples of most pop music videos. But everyone knows that real people are far from perfect—that's what makes us lovable! Where are the girls who just enjoyed a tub of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food while crying through The Notebook for the 56th time?! Where are the bad hair days, the pimples, and the braces? I say bring on the normal folks! Bring on the sweatpants and stomach flab, the smeared mascara and the split ends! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

Reality Check #3: Why does love seem like an INFECTIOUS DISEASE?! Whether you're watching a sweet, romantic country ballad or a loud, energetic club jam, everyone is either falling in love, already in love, wishing they were in love, or *ahem* "special hugging." I've tried some of the tactics used in videos to meet my own true love: I've dropped it like it's hot (no I haven't), I've washed my car while wearing a skimpy bathing suit (no I haven't) and I've put on giant, geeky glasses and joined the school marching band (no I haven't), but for some reason, I've yet to find a sensitive, studly dreamboat who wants to rock me til the sun goes down. Music videos, you are FAILING ME ALL OVER THE PLACE.

How do you feel about music videos? Ridiculous, or ridiculously entertaining?

Related post: Liveblogging an Hour of MTV's "Music Television"