The 5 Types of Top Bunk Inhabitants

When life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade, or lemon chicken, or lemon meringue pie, or all three in a glorious, lemony feast. When life gives you the bottom bunk bed, there's not much you can do except lie awake, seething with rage and exhaustion, while the every breath of the person in the top bunk causes the springs to squeak and dust to fall on your face. Since you're not sleeping, try to categorize your top bunk buddy:

1. The Enemy of the Bedsprings: Judging by the amount of tossing and turning and thumping going on, this person must be having a very vivid dreams that he/she is a salmon jumping upstream. For the sake of your sanity, we hope your bunkmate gets swallowed by a bear soon.

2. The Compleat Dangler: You've finally managed to shake off the feeling that you're lying in a coffin, and you've started to doze off when—AAAGH! A lifeless hand flops from the top bunk and dangles, limp and clammy, right in front of your face. You're never getting to sleep now, so you might as well spend the night painting this person's fingernails. (We don't recommend the Hand in the Bowl of Warm Water trick. Remember, you're underneath!)

3. The Chatterbox: It's always awkward to hear someone talking in her sleep. It gets even freakier when you wake in the dark to hear a voice above you intoning, "Steal the ice cream parrot..."

4. The Snorting Citizen: At home, you can hear your little brother's snores even through three walls and six blankets. During the Family Holiday Bunk Bed Experience, his snores make the whole bed frame shudder and ancient mattress-dandruff rain down from the slats above your head. In this situation, you have a unique advantage: It's easier to kick from below than above.

5. The Man Overboard: This type of top-bunk dweller, often a trusted friend, will lull you into a false sense of security with absolute silence and stillness. Then, in the dead of night, she will roll right out of bed and crash onto the floor. Not only is this unpleasant for her, it will scare the living pants off you.

Have you ever experienced any of these types?

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