We're laughing so hard at thisistoomuch10's post that we can't hear you scream. —Sparkitors
You are now in a horror movie. Congratulations. Inevitably, you're in either a group of attractive teenagers, or a group of strangers ranging in age and ethnicity (for maximum consumer appeal).
As you walk, feel-good music blasts out of nowhere because you're super pumped about exploring that abandoned mental ward on top of the faraway hill where no one will hear you scream. If you must go, because unlike me you wouldn't rather curl up with some butterscotch cookies and all 13 seasons of Friends, this is what you should consider:
1. Don’t bother telling anyone about crazy things you'll hear because no one will ever listen to you. However, do keep diary of some sort, so you can get in some “I-told-you-so’s” when you're all dead.
2. Try to be the hero. The hero is the hero not because of his brains or sensible suggestions, but because of his good looks. So before you go camping in the Foreboding Forest, make sure your hair is perfect, and you have all your beauty supplies with you for when things get messy. Also, practice walking around in ripped, dirty, and wet clothing before you go on your trip. Remember that the most important thing is to always look as appealing as possible, so you can be the hero.
3. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS PUPPIES, DO NOT go and see what that noise was. Also, refrain from slowly opening doors, peeking around hallways, and breathing heavily.
4. If you know someone is killing people, GO HOME. Do it, just leave, do not develop a personal grudge against the baddie. Leave it to the police... or possibly the sequel.
5. Bring a can of gas with you on long car rides. Make sure someone with you knows basic car maintenance, or at least has an iPhone.
6. Just pee your pants. Yes, there is that lonely gas station in the middle of nowhere with a flashing sign that says, "Clean bathroom here." Yes, you are totally desperate to go. But do not go in, not matter how much you want to. Wet pants are better than dead pants, right?
7. Speaking of pants, keep your special parts in the pants! Do not get funky in the sack. Keep your hormones in check until you're in a rom com instead.
8. Do not run upstairs. Jump out the window, exit through the door, or make a person-shaped hole in the wall, but do not climb UP.
9. Do not shower. You will surely die in the tub.
10. Do not do drugs or drink alcohol. You'll die in less than two minutes.
11. Don’t be a jerk boyfriend or an annoying friend. When you die first, everyone will be okay with it, which is a double ouch in my book.
12. Don’t worry about bringing a weapon. One will pop up at the exact right moment.
13. If the light is burnt out, go get a light bulb. Change the light and THEN venture alone into the basement.
14. IT'S NEVER THE WIND!
15. Don’t split up, no matter how cool Scooby Doo and the gang look when they do it.
16. Listen to the music. Turn your radio to some jazz or carry around a boom-box playing classical music. People don’t die while listening to smooth jazz. They just don’t.
17. Don’t have kids around.
18. Dye your hair brown, wear glasses, and read books. The killer won’t know what to make of you.
Any other tips?
Wanna write for SparkLife? Send your submission and nickname to contribute@sparknotes.com for consideration!
Topics: Entertainment, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: sparkler posts, movies, what if, horror movies
Post a comment!