Here's the dirt, Sparklers: Emily, being the heartless cad that she is, has temporarily abandoned us for the far more exciting and exotic locale of Hong Kong, and she is currently rubbing elbows with the Dali Lama (literally, not figuratively) while we slave away at work, eating Cornflake-Cheezit sandwiches and bemoaning the sweaty state of our existence. ON THAT NOTE, Friday Awards this week have a theme, and that theme is BITTERNESS. And JEALOUSNESS (not "jealousy," because that's too predictable). And RIGHTEOUS POUTS. Plus rage blackouts, hissy fits, sweat attacks (like panic attacks, but wetter) and SPITE (and spit, which is like spite, but without the "e"). Excited? You should be. This is going to be a HOOT.
First off, let's wish a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the following Sparklers—from what we can deduce from the comments/our magic birthday finding machine (which is absolutely NOTHING), these birthdays occurred sometime in the last week:
ownerofdudley’s mom
musicallover707
ragster96
tibetanyeti
cbacmkcge
angi4
Ebelean
And super-belated birthday wishes go out to:
Nickname1010101 and crazyfightingninga (PLEASE, guys, let this uber-late shout-out restore your faith in humanity).
Enjoy your PRESENTS, suckers. Now onto this week's awards, which are organized by post because we are in the mood to be DIFFICULT.
The "Best Thinly Veiled Severus 'Grumpy Pants' Snape Reference" Award goes to castralfire for...
I thought Camp Half-Blood was going to be a camp of people who had unrequited loves on their redhead next door neighbors, but instead of being sweet and telling them how they feel, the campers create horrible curses and spells and fall in with the wrong sort of crowd.
The "We're Dry-Heaving Just Thinking About This" Award goes to Dumbledore21 for...
Camp Bieber Fever: Campers, upon arrival, receive a complimentary haircut in the shape of a bowl. Then, so that they sound as much like JB as possible, campers are forced to suck helium, and then continue to perform Justin Bieber songs for their fellow campers until everbody's ears are bleeding. Screaming fangirls not included.
What It's Like to Travel to...Jackson, Mississippi:
The "If We KNEW How to Get Things Published in the New York Times, Do You Really Think We'd Still Be Eating Cornflakes for Dinner?!" Award goes to misselainius for...
Brilliant! Though I live in southwest Florida where the southern stereotype doesn't really apply, I do become furious when i read quotes of northern "intellectuals" who think every one south of the mason-dixon line are buffoons. Do you think we can get this published in the New York Times and LA Times?
The "This Is Awkward, Because We're the Ones Who (Accidentally) Stabbed Randall in the Waffle House" Award goes to annalizfell for...
At the moment, I'm visiting family in Tennessee and most of the people (my family excluded) fit the stereotypes. My uncle has friends named Mule and Dixie. He also has a friend, Randall, that once got stabbed in a Waffle House. Welcome to Estill Springs.
Extremely Cheap Summer Vacations:
The "Well, Thanks for That Little Ray of SUNSHINE" Award goes to thats.just.dandy for...
I actually have driven to Paris. My mom, sister, and I drove 3 hours to Paris, Texas. We were so excited and all like, "Yay we're going to Paris!" After miles of cows, horses, and barren fields we finally arrived. We went to Paris's one and only attraction, the Eiffel Tower replica with a cowboy hat. I had read online that it was 60 feet, but it only looked about 30 feet high. We took a few pictures, dined on fine Paris cuisine (Subway) for lunch, and then we drove the 3 hours back home. Talk about an anticlimax.
Five Nagging Questions About Eclipse:
The "Way to Look on the BRIGHT Side" Award goes to ~too~ for...
i feel like robert pattinson would be a lot more attractive if: a. his head wasn't square b. he wasnt covered in glitter and white makeup and c. he was still playing cedric diggory
How to Kiss: Dan Raises His Sarcasm Hand
The "What a Fine-Lookin' Backhanded Compliment" Award goes to cryptoquip3 for...
Possibly the most hilarious and most gross article I have ever read. That's pretty impressive, considering that I am a regular Sparknotes reader.
Awesome Book Series (That May or May Not Have Been Written for Middle Schoolers):
The "Tamora Pierce Is the Reduced-Fat Peanut Butter to Our Low-Sugar Jelly " Award goes to sligers118 for...
I adore Tamora Peirce, and no one I know has read anything by her, even the people who like fantasy (and they are negligibly few), and it makes me so sad, because they're just so good.
But people here have read them right? Right? And isn't George just incredible? Someone please start agreeing with me. I'm baring my soul here.
The "Well La-Dee-Da, If It Isn't Ms. One-Upper" Award goes to she_who_squeaks for...
Middle school? Hah! I've been following Bruce Coville's Unicorn Chronicles since the freaking 4th grade! The first one came out in '92, and book 4 still hasn't been released. And yes, I WILL read it.
Auntie SparkNotes: Creative Communication for Long-Lost Friends:
The “This Had the Potential to Be SUCH a Great 'Yo Momma' Joke" Award goes to LOTViolists for...
These are great ideas for your mom at college ^^
The "In Your FACE, Auntie S!!!" Award goes to absterlyholt for...
The thing is, Auntie Sparknotes, I actually HAVE spent my Saturday cleaning up Giraffe poop. I work at the zoo and I will be the first to tell you that though giraffes eat a LOT (as in they eat more in ONE day then I do in three weeks) they have nothing on elephants! ...so pretty much the giraffe mailing plan should be go because giraffes are: Safe-giraffes have been known to decapitate lions but they are nice to people who feed them Reliable-have you ever hear of a giraffe getting lost? I didn't think so Fast-take a look at their looooonnnnnggggg legs if you don't believe me Fun-it's obvious I know, but it's true that they are sociable and they are very easy to take care of as long as you are prepared to pay them in food and salt licks and have some shovels and buckets handy.
By the way if anyone has an extra giraffe, mine is lonely-he's middle aged, very sweet, and his name is Sam.
The MaxVZ Chronicles: How to Write a Short Story
The "Way To Make the Rest of Us Look Bad With Your Epic Novella" Award goes to partypenguin for...
After eating a whole bunch of miniature gummy bears and chugging down a milkshake, this is what I've got:
Jiffy the Uni-pony was just trotting down the street when an evil squirrel suddenly popped out at him. "Oh no, boyyy, did you just STEP on MY ACORNS? I gotta feed my child, since his daddy passed away. And you, you just come along and STEP on my FOOD SUPPLY," The widowed mama squirrel chattered. "I'm sorry, may you please repeat what you just said? I was too busy staring at your afro..." Jiffy politely told the small, rather beautiful squirrel. So, after much persuading (and much use of a bat), Jiffy was off into the woods to go get some more acorns for the squirrel family, not because of the brutal beating, just something about that squirrel made his heart pound. But, he knew they couldn't be together. Heck, he was a uni-pony, she was a squirrel. But he knew that if he worked hard enough, he could make it work. As he tottered farther into the woods, happy thoughts about Ms. Squirrel occupied his mind. But, what he didn't know was that an evil unicorn-eating Voldimort was lurking behind the most acorn-plentiful tree, the one that he was approaching. As Jiffy picked from the tree and whistled a happy tune, he noticed something odd. The tree had two arms sticking out, but they were bare of acorns, and white and quite odd looking. "Aww, those darn chipmunks. Always have to take the best for themselves," He muttered, before continuously picking some more. After bringing as much as his mouth could carry to the Squirrel, she decided to let him show off his new acorn recipe. As they trudged to her house, Jiffy felt suddenly happy, like nothing else could be better. And then Voldemort comes out and mobs them, eating Jiffy. The end. (:
The "You Almost Definitely Aren't Allowed to Ask That Question" Award goes to MugSpark for...
haha, MaxVZ is developing quite the following. Will he rival Dan someday?
How to Kiss: Rachel on Embers and Blazes:
The "We Already Used 'One-Upper,' So We're Gonna Have To Go With 'Grand-Stander'" Award goes to RustyApplesauce for...
My Halloween experiences when I was 13 involved me falling and injuring my derierre in a rollerblading incident while in the company of several guys my age. Makes Rachel's experience seem pleasant.
My Crush is a Harry Potter Character: Part 1
The "This May or May Not be the Funniest Thing We've Ever Read, and That's Makes Us Seethe With Envy" Award goes to Tigress_118 for...
I would say that's more than enough to whine about. In fact, if Harry went to group therapy with Bella Swan, I imagine this is how the conversation would go. Harry:... and then I saw him chop off his own arm, and then he sliced my wrist open and bled me, and then, Voldemort popped out of the cauldron, and--
Bella: Would you shut up Harry! Not everything is about you. Some people have serious problems! Like, I'm in love with a vampire! AND a werewolf! And they're like, hot and stuff. And I have to go to an Ivy League school FOR FREE. Do you know how horrible that is?
Harry:...I lived under the stairs til I was almost eleven.
Bella: You know what Harry? Force yourself to go live with your long-distance father for some incomprehensible reason, meet the sparkly love of your life, and then we'll talk. [storms off in a huff]
Harry and Bella in group therapy part II:
Carlisle: Alright now, I think we're all making some excellent progress getting all our emotional baggage unpacked! Great you guys! Now, I thought today would be a great day to share the projects you've all been working on in art therapy, how does that sound? Good? Great. Harry, why don't you share what you've got for us?
Harry: Ok.
Carlisle: Now, can you tell us what was the inspiration for your painting?
Harry: well, I thought I would make an abstract painting that depicts the fact that I never really knew how it felt to have my mom hug me.
Bella: Ugh...
Carlisle: Bella, we'll get to you in a minute, let Harry finish.
Bella: Hey, hey Connor, guess who I am? Go on, guess. 'wah, I'm a wizard, I don't sparkle!'
Connor:...
Harry: ... and this represents the time the Dursleys told me they were going out for ice cream, and when I went outside, they had locked the car door, and Vernon said, "Oh, you thought we were taking you? SORRY!"
Carlisle: Well, I think you showed a lot of pain you still feel about your childhood in your picture Harry.
Bella: 'I think you showed a lot of pain you still feel about your childhood in your picture Harry!' My father-in-law's such a dweeb. He eats deer, did you know that? What a loser.
Carlisle: Bella--
Bella: Hey Papi!!!
Carlisle: Bella, it's your turn to share now.
Bella: Oh uh... yeah. This picture is of my super awesome boyfriend Edward!!! He's sooooooo hot.
Carlisle: Bella. You've spent the last sixteen group sessions talking about how attracted you are to Edward. Do you think you could share something... else that matters to you?
Bella: What?
Carlisle: What else, besides your boyfriend, do you find matters to you the most in life?
Bella: ... Carlisle, nothing is more important than being in a relationship. Back in Phoenix, I was sooooooo bored because I didn't have a boyfriend to tell me what to do. But then I moved to Forks, and now, I have this super awesome boyfriend who thinks of everything for me!!!
Carlisle:...
Harry: I lost all the bones in my right arm once.
Bella: Oh, sorry, I forgot, it's "All Harry, All the Time" around here. Harry, go **** yourself!!!!!!! [storms off in tears]
The "You're So Charitable and Kind That It Makes Us SICK" Award goes to Spectacles_Not_Glasses for...
hmm...it doesnt seem fair that i bammed on a harry potter post when i never read harry potter or know anything about the characters i give my bam to houseelfliberationfront *gives bam*
The "You Are The Reason That The World Is Running Out of Question Marks" Award goes to houseelfliberationfront for...
or Draco Malfoy? he's cool. or Ron? Seriously, Ron is more attractive than Harry could ever be. or what about Cedric Diggory? I know he has a bad rap because the guy who plays him in the movie is also in Tw*******t, but he's still amazing (even though he's a hufflepuff). Or what about Krum? Krum's an international Quidditch player! What's hotter than that? Or if we go to the next generation there's also James. He's a trouble maker. Or Teddy Lupin? Or Albus Potter? Or Scorpius Malfoy?
My Crush is a Harry Potter Character: Part 2
The "Look What Comes of Believing In Yourself!" Award goes to raysforever26 for...
Wow, I just touched a bunch of little topics. I don't think this is Fri-worthy. Then again, nothing I've ever commented has been Fri-worthy.
The “But ARE You Kidding? This is DEEPLY WORRISOME” Award goes to jtjuvenile for...
I never did Google "Can a whole family get divorced," but i did google "are there legal ways to kill my sister?" There weren't. This explains why she's still alive.
Kidding.
The "We WISH We Had Made This Amazingly Accurate Observation First But You Have Robbed Us of The Chance FOREVER" Award goes to feelslikepaper for...
By the way, yesterday my friends and I were watching the movie She's the Man and we decided that Amanda Bynes dressed up as a boy looks just like Justin Bieber. It's creepy, but you know it's true.
The "Thank You SO MUCH For Sharing" Award goes to Denisey94 for...
I keep thinking about Beaver Fever now, which is the extreme love of OSU, or a disease you get from drinking creek water in which beavers and other such animals have defecated in.
Make the Most of a Summer Staycation:
The "We Can't Argue With the Truth (And That is Super Annoying)" Award goes to Nickname1010101 for...
Watch competitive cake making. It gets pretty intense.
The "Why Don't You Just Cry Us a RIVER" Award goes to endlesslight44 for...
The economy is so bad in my town that people had to start mowing their own lawns. Seriously.
The "We Happen to LOVE Butter. We Use It In Our Hair. We Put It On Our Shoes. It's Multi-Purpose. It's Phenomenal." Award goes to {Insert_Witty_Username_Here} for...
the only problem with this post is that it uses paula deen as an example of great food. news flash- she can't cook. she just adds a lot of butter.
The Think Tank: Phi Beta Dagger is 'Bout to Blow Your MIND:
The "Sucks to Your Asmar, Future Employers!" Award goes to count_olaf for...
Do you think future employers will be impressed if I put my involvement in Phi Beta Dagger on my resume? Well, they better because I'm putting it on there anyways.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 3
The "Your Sense of Humor Concerns Us Greatly" Award goes to ~too~ for...
i havent laughed that hard since my cousin found out that her dad was colorblind. it was hilarious.
Why Are Those Young Women Taking Photos of Their Shoe Circle?:
The "Those Were the Days..." Award goes to eroica424 for...
I remember when there were legit comments in the top 10 comments. Instead of just "BAM"'s.
The "There's a Silver Lining To Every Shoe-Circle-Shaped Cloud" Award goes to hanini_panini for...
...Guilty. On the bright side, I can now say that Dan has written a post about me. Oooooooh.
A Day in the Life of a British "Uni" Student:
The "And This is why Emily Winter CAN NEVER LEAVE AGAIN" Award goes to littlemissfearless for...
I miss my Pretty Little Recaps...they're the only reason I started watching the show, and NOW I CAN'T STOP. Please, kind and loving Sparkitors, BRING THEM BACK. I have so many unanswered questions!
How to Kiss: Kathryn Says Relax:
The "'Furious Eskimo KISS' Would Make a Great Band Name" Award goes to verbomaniac012 for...
So last week I saw a kid and his mom furiously eskimo kissing in the middle of Eat'n'Park. I don't think that really counts though.
The "We Already Used the Phrase "We Can't Argue With the Truth," Which Sucks Because It Would Work PERFECTLY Here. GAH." Award goes to JuJukins for...
Sparknotes really does cover EVERYTHING we'd EVER need to know.
The "Tumors Are So Romantic That They Make Us Feel a Strong and Irrepressible Urge to Barf" Award goes to Emily_Jeanette for...
@LOTR_junkie6-I bet he'd more likely marry you than me. I keep telling him that Dan is still my life, but that he (Coffinmaker) is an extra lump of life growing on Dan. I don't think people like to be called tumors.
The "Umlauts Just Aren't Worth What They Used To Be" Award goes to lizzo_14 for...
No, marry ME instead! I have a secret stash of umlauts that may interest you!
Auntie SparkNotes—Parental Pressure, Doctoral Drama:
The "We're 78% Sure That Goat Doctors Would Be Horribly Inefficient" Award goes to Denisey94 for...
I want all my kids to become doctors too!!!... btw, I'm never going to have kids... except goat kids, but I want all of them to become doctors!
Auntie SparkNotes—Do You Think I'm FAT?!?:
The "Hobos Aren't Nearly As Distracting As One Might Hope" Award goes to hlucero06 for...
This is such a touchy subject. I would probably distract my friend by saying "Did you get a haircut? It's looks awesome!", "Hey, help me out here, what's the square root of pi?, "Look! A hobo! *runs away frantically*
CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU ALL.
WHEW. Now wasn't that a laugh RIOT? Wasn't it just an absolute GAS? The only thing that could make these Friday Awards better (aside from Emily being here to write them, and Chelsea Dagger not being such a wrathful and whiny broccoliheand, and all of our daydreams about Daniel Radcliffe coming true) is if YOU guys took it upon yourselves to SPREAD THE LOVE (which you're probably desperate need of it at this point) and nominate each other for Friday Awards. Apparently, this is something Emily asks you to do on every second Friday of the month, which means today is your LUCKY DAY. So comment away, Sparklers! And please, feel free to throw eggs at Chelsea Dagger. She totally deserves it.
Note: By "eggs," we mean "$1000 bills made of diamonds." Obviously.
Topics: The Internets
Tags: friday awards
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