It'd be pretty great if every person in your life could be distilled into an ice cream flavor. Here are a few that you might find in my fridge.
Frenemy Swirl: Part of this confection is ultra-sweet vanilla. The other half? Bitter, bitter chocolate laced with glass shards. Since you never know which flavor you'll get, every bite is a confusing, stressful experience.
Overprotective Parents Frozen Yogurt: You know this straight-up vanilla has your best intentions at heart. It's made from the purest ingredients, and really, it's only trying to keep you safe and healthy. Even so, it's super frustrating when you try to add some sprinkles or crushed Heath bars—anything that might liven it up—and the fro-yo outright rejects it. It literally ejects the toppings from the mix, almost as if to say, "Where did you meet these gummy bears?" or "How long do you plan to spend with that fudge sauce?" While it can be a comforting treat, this flavor has a tendency to wear on you pretty quickly.
Bad-Boy Chunk: Filled with decadent caramel and chocolate-covered cherries ("forbidden fruit"), this ice cream has you hooked, no matter how much your friends and family plead with you to stop eating it. In fact, you may even know that this flavor is incredibly bad for you, but you probably won't admit it to yourself until it's all gone. Then you'll be left with a bad taste in your mouth, and a severe case of heartburn.
Crush Crunch: This bold, dreamy coffee ice cream has enough caffeine to get (and keep!) your pulse racing, and just enough praline to catch you off guard. At the same time, it's so delicate that you need to keep it cool. Always your favorite flavor, it's the one ice cream that's guaranteed to make you melt.
Third-Wheel Neopolitan: It's the best when chocolate and strawberry hang out. But then vanilla wedges itself in the middle, which is a little pathetic. It's not like vanilla is totally out of the question—independently, it meshes with each of the other flavors passably well. It's just that the vanilla kind of gets in the way when you'd rather be eating the chocolate and strawberry uninterrupted. No one's trying to be mean, and nobody wants to neglect vanilla, but everyone knows the sad truth: it's trying waaaay too hard.
Got some flavors to add to the menu?
Related post: Ode to the Pretzel Cone
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