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New Sparkler Series: The Ellie Report-Bieberfied!

New Sparkler Series: The Ellie Report-Bieberfied!

Ellielikespie finally convinced us to give her a series—by being completely and utterly hi-LARIOUS, 24 hours a day, 19 days a week. Like, she just sent us funny posts until our heads literally exploded. It was sort of gross, but it was so, SO worth it. We know you're going to LOVE her new series, starting with today's post—get ready, get set, get BIEBERFIED!— Sparkitors

After hearing about this Bieber character from numerous people, including some of my fellow Sparklers, I decided to see what all the fuss was about. The following is what happened when I sat myself down and chronicled my adventures in the Wonderful World of Beiber. Prepare yourself for a genuine—and genuinely terrifying—play-by-play of my thoughts while listening to JB's smash hit Baby.

0:21 seconds–These lyrics are deep. Like an ocean. I’m glad they’ll “never ever EVER be apart.” I wonder if that includes bathroom breaks.
0:43 seconds–I have to give it up; this girl can really sing!
0:46 seconds–I wonder why her parents named her "Justin."
0:49 seconds–I hope she doesn’t mean “baby” in a literal way. That would be very Embry a la Eclipse of her.
0:57 seconds–I feel her pain. Breakups are worse than eating an entire pie for breakfast and realizing you have absolutely no milk to wash it down with. Not that I have ever done that. Ever.
1:11–I wonder why she’s singing to another girl. I thought Katy Perry called dibs on this territory.
1:14–I have a sinking feeling that Bieber might be a boy. A suspicion has settled deep in my gut. Or maybe that's the pie.
1:16–That's it. Bieber's a boy. He had me fooled, the minx! And these lyrics are deceptive too; I doubt he would do anything for her. He should be more specific. Why not croon that he'll pretend to be interested in Gossip Girl, but draw the line at Pretty Little Liars? Or that he'll hold her purse, but only as long as none of the guys are around? Say what you mean, Bieber!
1:47–I love songs about pre-pubescent angst. Is he even old enough to go bowling?
2:13–Ludacris! You made it! Can I call you Luda, and tell people I’m in your posse?
2:50–I have never heard the word “baby” used in such a catchy, up-tempo way. Oh, wait. Yes I have. IN EVERY OTHER POP SONG EVER RECORDED, EVER.
3:01–This is strange: I feel all fuzzy inside. All warm and buoyant, like a balloon wearing mittens. Why won’t my foot stop tapping? What is this irresistible need to groove?
3:09–Can't. Stop. Doing. The. Moonwalk. Must. Fight. Urge. To. Give. Myself. A Bowl Cut. WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?!
3:31-3:45—Oh no, no...I've heard of this happening...the symptoms are undeniable...it has to be...it can't be... Sweet potato pie! I HAVE BIEBER FEVER!

We have Bieber Fever too. It's highly contagious. You probably got it just from reading this article. Are you moonwalking yet?

Related: 5 Surefire Signs You Live Next to Justin Bieber

Topics: Music, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: sparkler posts, justin bieber, the ellie report, sparkler series

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