July Horoscopes

Posted July 8, 2010

Is this the summer of love? Will July be a month plagued by drama? Will you eat a pie that doesn’t taste as good as it looks? Will your beach towel be dry by tomorrow? How will this month end? We gaze into our paper ball (the crystal ball went to the movies) and have all the answers below:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Enter swimming pools shins first. There is something naughty going on in room 444. Nothing good will come from talking with Tony. The path to romance is paved with asphalt and gravel, and you need to turn left at the gas station, or else you’ll end up on the path to getting hit in the belly with a water balloon. You’re thinking about sex too much. You’re thinking about screen doors too little. Balance out these thoughts before it’s too late. Smile in four seconds. Your lucky number this month is nine. Your lucky color is alligator blue. Your lucky bird of prey is the peregrine falcon.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The 106th person to ring your doorbell will be the most important person in your life. The 107th person to ring your doorbell will be Sarah. Keep your socks clean, but your feet filthy—you’ll know why on the evening of July 23rd. For love to find you, touch something blue before you stand up. Cover your left eye. Do it. Is it covered? OK, listen up. Your left eye is going to betray you in the next 78 hours. You didn’t hear it from us. And don’t let your eye know that you know it’s up to no good. You can uncover it now. Your left eye is one hell of a great eye and is probably the best eye in the entire world. (wink wink). Do something funny with your toes by the end of the day. Your lucky number is two. Your lucky color is frog’s blood. Your lucky bird of prey is the turkey vulture.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If given the choice, pick the monkey or the fish, but never the trumpet. For good luck, don’t think about the word “parachute.” You will kiss someone and then regret it, and then enjoy it, and then regret it, and then enjoy it, and then regret it, and then…you will fall asleep. Spend money wisely. Spend colorful beads foolishly. The internet will lead you down a path of lies, for it is a beast of fiction. Your aunt is also a beast of fiction, as is your cell phone sales associate. Look out of windows, never into windows. Your lucky number is a secret that even we can’t share (hint: It’s 17). Your lucky color is astronaut yellow. Your lucky bird of prey is the pied harrier, which sounds delicious.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Only walk on cracks and good fortune will be your reward. Cancel your plans for the evening, because something terrific is going to happen to your bedroom wall if you stare at it all night. A left-handed person has a crush on you. But because s/he’s left-handed, we understand if you want to avoid a possible relationship. Your shoes are not where you left them. They moved slightly to the west. If a stranger offers you candy, don’t take it. That candy tastes really bad. (It’s freaking licorice! Eww.) Everyone you know will be thinking about you tomorrow. Try to remain calm. Your lucky number this month is 12. Your lucky color is kneecap blue. Your lucky bird of prey is the tawny eagle.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
There is nothing wrong with your laugh. Honest. We would tell you if you had a strange laugh, because we’re your friends. By the way, one or more of your friends is a liar. In two weeks you will meet the person of your dreams, and just like in your dreams, s/he will have spaghetti for hair, grapes for eyes, and a habit of talking in incomprehensible riddles while pointing to your grandma. Stay away from men named Dana or Terry. Boxes should be sniffed before they are opened. For financial success, eat a fistful of bread in less than five minutes. Your lucky number is 24. Your lucky color is staircase ink. Your lucky bird of prey is the mountain pygmy owl.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The next email you receive will be a secret coded message from the future. To crack the code, remember that the letter R is really the number 8. Love will find you near a little dog that has a deep-sounding bark. Elephants shouldn’t be a problem this month, but baskets will be a pain in the a**. Someone will mess up your drink order, so order the wrong drink and maybe you will get the correct beverage. Anything that makes a “Goooh” sound will cause you pain. Your lucky number is three. Your lucky color is basement red. Your lucky bird of prey is the bat hawk, which is the coolest-sounding bird of them all.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t listen to what Mike said. He’s just trying to upset you. Keep gloves handy for an event that will take place on July 19th, at 6:09 p.m. in the parking lot. You will find a marble in your house. Be careful with this marble. It’s actually an imp egg. Look for love and great pizza near water. If you’re standing in a line behind some fat guy wearing a tank top and jean shorts, that guy was sent from the future and it’s his job to keep you safe. Do not interfere with his work. Your survival is key to the future of mankind. Whispering will make something better. Your lucky number is one. Your lucky color is sky green. Your lucky bird of prey is the rufous-legged owl.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The next time you see a bicycle, something horrible is about to happen to your love life or your elbows, or both. Avoid eating anything that isn’t crunchy. Spin around fast, and make yourself dizzy. Close your eyes. The first person you see in your dizzy mind will be your soulmate. Take advice from people who are ugly. The path to riches is guarded by a hatless man. Never, under any circumstances, begin a jumping jack from the clapped-hands-over-head position! This is not a joke! You will see a dead bee by the end of the week. If you don’t, then you’re not really a Scorpio and your parents lied about your birthday. Your lucky number is four and half. Your lucky color is greenish-purple. Your lucky bird of prey is the bald eagle.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will be left-footed until the moon sets. Enjoy this newfound power. The minute you fall asleep, something amazing will happen downstairs and you will miss it. Do you know anyone named Bo? If the answer is yes, you will have the best month of your life. If the answer is no, you should put a helmet on, quick. A truck that isn’t a truck will be of the utmost importance this month, if you know what we mean. Turn on the TV right now and find the hidden message. Try to breathe through your bellybutton. It just might work. You will find money near something that makes a “beep” sound. Your lucky number is two. Your lucky color is Charcoal Pink. Your lucky bird of prey is the lesser kestrel, which, despite the name, is pretty cool.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
If you want to have an amazing month, go like this right now: “Blah flah glah phblblbl pew pew!” The louder you say it, the better your month will be. If you don’t say it at all, the world will end in five years. And you must say it with complete accuracy. You will fall in love with someone whose dad isn’t a dentist. A fork will make you smile. A spoon will make you say, “Hey, SparkNotes told me I should do something with a spoon, but I can’t remember what.” Do not trust your phone. Your lucky number is 13. Your lucky color is bashful orange. Your lucky bird of prey is the yellow-billed kite.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Refuse to partake in any game involving water or tugging wars. A woman with hair like a zebra will lead you to your soulmate. You will make a friend tomorrow. His name will not be Jason. Use your mouse to highlight this sentence, but do not include the period. If you included the period, your best friend is in grave danger. Buckets are more than buckets. Name all of your toes before you leave the house, or else you will have nightmares for a year. If someone sneezes three times, rub his forehead for good luck. Your lucky number is nine. Your lucky color is the same color as your pillowcase. Your lucky bird of prey is the gurney’s eagle.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
This month is going to be amazing! Everything will go your way. You will have crazy, fun, and wild adventures. But…only if you immediately say the alphabet backwards, in under 30 seconds. Something good will happen if you blink less. Avoid anything that rhymes with pen or bridge. You’re a better juggler than you think. The initials B.B. will be important this month. Your neck will suddenly become itchy. Do not scratch it for three minutes, or else. Your lucky number is 28. Your lucky color is golden lilac. Your lucky bird of prey is the Eurasian hobby.

Happy with your bird of prey? We're kinda sad we didn't get an owl.