Auntie SparkNotes: Do You Think I'm Fat?!

This is the reason we never let the words "Do you think I'm fat?" escape our lips. "Do you think I'm fab?" is a much safer question. —Sparkitors

Dear Auntie Sparknotes:

I have a friend who is beautiful, smart, funny and talented. She has a wonderful personality except for one problem. She eats foods that are just plain horrible for her body, doesn't get enough exercise and keeps asking me "Do you think I'm fat?".

The truth is yes, she is obese, and yes she knows this because she eats a bunch of junk (again plus lack of much needed exercise). As a friend I try and tell her about her terrific personality but I CANNOT STAND to eat with her because I get the "Do you think I'm fat". I am on the verge of screaming at her "YES AND IT IS SELF INFLICTED!!!". I am a healthy female because I eat healthy food in the right propotion and get enough exercise. Her parents are also in her situation (except they don't ask me the dreaded question). I don't want to be deemed as a shallow friend but quite frankly I am fed up with her "eat junk then complain" habits. How do I respond to this never ceasing question? Whenever she asks me about this I try and stray from the subject but she keeps at it. Please help.

Your frustration is understandable, Sparkler, and Auntie is ON IT.

But before we get to the problem-solving part, let's reach into our hearts—or pockets, or marsupial pouches, or wherever you keep your spare supply of patience—and see whether we can't muster a little bit of sympathy and understanding for your poor, fat friend. She sounds miserable. And even if you're right that her diet and exercise regimen are less than balanced, try to keep your judgment in check when it comes to what she puts in her mouth. The fact that her family has weight issues means that the genetic deck is stacked against her when it comes to the size and shape of her body. All the vegetables and cardio in the world won't turn a naturally large person into a waif.

That said, though, nothing changes the aggravation of fielding your friend's constant questioning and insecurity over her weight—especially when her question itself is such a red herring. Let's be real: your friend knows what her body looks like. And when she asks whether you think she's "fat," what she's really looking for is validation.

Validation of what, though, is anyone's guess.

Which is why, the next time she asks, "Do you think I'm fat?," you can (and should!) respond by cutting through the horse-hockey and finding out what's really going on. Be caring and compassionate, but be direct. Say something like, "You know, you ask me this question all the time. You're one of my best friends, and I think you're beautiful, but I'm not sure what you're looking for when you ask whether I think you're fat. You know what your body looks like, right? Are you really asking whether you're fat, or is it something else?"

And then, listen to what she has to say—realizing that the word "fat" has an awful lot of power in our thin-obsessed society. So much so that you've been dodging your friend when she asks a question with a screamingly obvious answer; so much so that we're afraid to use the word; and so much so that we forget that fatness isn't a moral condition... and it isn't. Fat isn't good or bad, it just IS. So it might be that your friend is saying "Do you think I'm fat?" when what she means is, "Do you think I'm okay/attractive/worthy of love?" Or it might be that she's spent her whole life hearing people say, "Oh, no, you're not fat!," and is just looking for someone to be honest with her. Or it could be something else entirely.

And if you stop dodging, start listening, and give her the chance to tell you what's really on her mind, it won't be long before you never have to hear the words, "Do you think I'm fat?" again.

So... do you think I'm fat? JUST KIDDING. Leave your comments below, or send your questions to advice@sparknotes.com.