Blogging the Eclipse Midnight Movie Premier

By Contributor

July 1, 2010

People, listen up! This post, by EMDEE_3, does contain spoilers. Did you miss that? THERE! ARE! LOTS! OF! SPOILERS! There, now you can't get mad at us. :) —Sparkitors

I’m an avid Meyer-hater like a lot of Sparklers, but when my friend offered to buy my ticket for the midnight premier, I had to accept. For one thing, the movies are a lot less… bad than the books. They’re not Oscar winners, but they take out a lot of the dumb stuff. Also, I’m a teenage girl who can appreciate the beautiful shirtlessness of Taylor Lautner. The is how the night/early morning played out.

10:30 p.m. I leave the house wearing a Star Wars shirt, convinced that’s the most anti-Twilight-fangirl article of clothing I own.
10:43 p.m. My friend and I scramble for seats in the theater, and soon realize we are sitting too close to a cackle of middle-aged women who are way too excited about this movie.
11:40 p.m. The screen is turned on and everyone in the theater screams/gasps/giggles/cries/faints.
11:55 p.m. An ad for Remember Me comes on and everyone in the theater screams/gasps/giggles/cries/faints.
12:20 p.m. The “Please silence your cell phones now” screen has been playing for over five minutes now and the crowd begins a slow clap that fails epically.
12:28 p.m. The Harry Potter preview comes on and the theater screams/gasps/giggles/cries/faints.
12:36 p.m. The movie finally starts. Victoria makes her first vampire soldier, and we hear the first bloodcurdling scream of the film.
12:45 a.m. Sometime between the glowering, murmuring, and muttering, I look over and see a pair of bare feet about 8 inches from my face. These feet will stay there for the next hour and a half.
1:05 a.m. We get our first look at Jacob’s beautiful abdominal muscles and everyone (including me) starts screaming “WOOOOO!”
1:15 a.m. Eddy and Belly begin the whole “this is about your soul” conversation, and I sit there giggling, thinking about Dan and his blogs.
1:17 a.m. Jacob force kisses Bella and that is followed by the hilarious line: “I kissed Bella… and she broke her hand… punching me in the face.”
1:35 a.m. My friend and I try to see if the wolves have genitals. I’m not going to tell you how this conversation started, but it contained the words “red” and “rocket.”
1:37 a.m. Jasper (whose last name isn’t actually Cullen, but Hale) says more than three words for the first time in the whole series.
1:45 a.m. Bella’s dad uses the word “samich,” before attempting to give his daughter The Talk.
1:49 a.m. Four minutes after Bella tells her dad she’s a virgin, she jumps on Eddy tries to get him to have "relations" with her. She gets RE-TO-THE-JECTED.
EDDIE: “Stop trying to take your clothes off.”
BELLA: “You wanna do that part?”
Edward then tells her how he comes from a different time when they didn’t have premarital "relations." This is how he gets her to agree to marry him.
2 a.m. The Greatly Muscled One’s pants fall a little too far and we get a glimpse of his chosen undergarment… TIGHTY WHITIES?!
2:02 a.m. JAKE: (speaking to Edward) Let’s face it, I’m hotter than you.
2:09-2:11 a.m. JACOB FINALLY GETS SOME NON-FORCED LIP ACTION!
2:12 a.m. The battle starts and it is, for the most part, really awesome! Vampire’s faces are cracking and shattering left and right!
2:20 a.m. Jacob. Is. Naked! (Half of the bones in his body are broken and he is writhing in pain… but still.)
2:27 a.m. Jacob is screaming in agony. The previously-mentioned middle-aged ladies start sniffing and crying.
2:31 a.m. The movie is over, and I’m actually glad I went.