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Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 2

Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 2

Chapter Two: Long Night

Better Title: Oh. I get it. This book is about babies.

This week, my beloved car (White Lightnin') blew up. No one was injured, but it wasn't a fun experience and I must deal with insurance agents, paperwork, and being stranded in my house without a car. Plus, now I'm hungry for an entire watermelon, and if I want a watermelon, I'll have to ride my bike to the store, and then kick the melon back to my house like a soccer ball or fill it up with helium and carry it back like an edible balloon. However, I'm out of helium. Grrr. Things have been better.

But then I read chapter two of Breaking Dawn, and I'm smiling once again. Why? Two words: Vampire babies.

Vampire babies are so over-the-top ludicrous that the very thought of them makes me laugh. And not just a little mouth laugh. And not just a belly laugh. The laughter comes from way down by my shins. It's a shin laugh. And it makes everything better.

More on my new favorite type of vampire in a bit.

This chapter starts off like every other chapter, with Edward and Bella talking about Bella's future. On the eve of the wedding, Bella spends a great deal of time reminding us of the events from the previous books. The key plot points of the series, according to Bella, are:

1. Bella is ugly and unworthy of Edward.
2. Edward can't read Bella's mind for a reason that will probably make as much sense as a helium-filled watermelon.
3. There's a family of vegetarian vampires living in Alaska. (Remember, Roy G. Biv!)
4. Edward isn't ugly.
5. Charlie snores.

Between smooches, Edward asks if Bella is having cold feet about tomorrow's ceremony. Bella says she's totally cool with it, and is looking forward to becoming a vampire even if it means leaving her friends Angela, Ben, Jessica, and Mike behind.

Bella's use of the word "friend" is rather liberal. Angela is a friend…maybe. But that's it. The others are enemies, or acquaintances at best. And if memory serves, Bella has only hung out with Angela for three hours outside of school. According to Bella-logic, the guy who sat next to me on my flight to Nevada is my best friend. And I don't even know his name, only his odor (Peanut M&M's mixed with feet).

I wonder who else Bella considers friends.

BELLA: It will not be easy saying goodbye to Angela and Ben. I don't know how I will ever leave my dentist. And it just won't be Christmas without my dear friends, the thugs from Port Angeles. But most of all, I will miss Irene, the woman that works at Arby's who knows I like Sprite. Can you make her a vampire too, Edward? She can come with us!
EDWARD: Shut up, Lamb. I'm trying to write a lullaby about how your spit tastes good.

The two lovers kiss and talk, and kiss and talk. Out of no where, Edward says he wishes Bella was pregnant. Bella's exact response in the book is:

"Gah," I gasped.

Later in the book maybe Bella will stub her toe, and respond with:

"Argh," I arghed.

Edward feels bad that Bella must give up the option of motherhood to become a vampire and thinks that if Bella was with child now, then he wouldn't feel so guilty. By the way I'm using the term "with child" in reference to pregnancy. Being "with child" has a completely different meaning when discussing Quil.

This chapter is chocked full of baby talk. First Edward wants Bella to be knocked up. Then Bella talks about vampire babies and even has a baby dream. At the risk of being wrong, I predict that Bella will have a baby by the end of the book. Or she will at least be preggers. And that baby is going be some sort of half-vampire/half-human "chosen one" that was mentioned in some long-forgotten vampire prophecy. And he will bring peace to the vampires and the humans. And his name will be something like Claudius or Anakin or Petey.

Edward can't hang around all night talking about love and motherhood. Emmett and Jasper and are outside ready to take him out for a bachelor party.

Emmett is here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, how would you murder a grizzly hawk (an animal I just invented)? Would you use your teeth or your knees? Hit me back, Pain Maker, because I'm decorating a cake for you and I want the image to be as accurate as possible.

Edward goes off to have the world's strangest bachelor party. According to Jasper, vampire bachelor parties do not involve strippers and booze, but killing mountain lions and bears, something the vampires do anyway whenever they're hungry. I'm not saying you need sexy ladies and alcohol for a successful bachelor party, but in human terms, this party would be like going to Applebee's, and then going to Taco Bell, and then going to McDonald's. That's not a party. That's just depressing, and a recipe for diarrhea. (Side Note: I'm hereby claiming the phrase "Recipe for Diarrhea" as the name for my thrash metal band.)

With Edward gone, Bella has time to tell us important information. Stephenie Meyer loves doing this. She will have her characters describe a hair follicle for fifteen chapters, and then suddenly make a character spew out expository information in a single page, like a nervous third grader who speaks in one long run-on sentence while presenting a Civil War report.

Tanya (leader of the Alaskan vampire clan) is showing up at the wedding tomorrow, and Bella is uneasy about meeting her. Tanya will no doubt be beautiful, which will sting a bit since Edward and her once had a fling…of sorts. And then Bella delves into Tanya's backstory. That makes sense. I know whenever I think about someone I'm jealous of (such as Bill Nye the Science Guy), the first thing I do is remind myself of their tragic past (Bill Nye got divorced).

Tanya's family is just as big as the Cullen clan, and the two gangs are friends, despite the fact that in the last book, Tanya's crew refused to help the Cullens defeat the vampire army and left them to die simply because Tanya's sister, Irina, hates werewolves.

So guess what, Irina? I hate you! You're going on the list.

But now, everything is cool between the Cullens and the Northern vampires. It's not clear how Tanya smoothed everything over with Carlisle. I'm guessing she sent the Cullens one of those musical greeting cars, the kind that feature a sound clip of two fast-talking rabbits. I know if someone sent me one of those cards, I would instantly forgive them for leaving me to die. Those cards are all kinds of hilarious.

Bella fills us in on Tanya's back story. Tanya's life is a tragic tale that deals with the loss of innocence and the…excuse me. I'm yawning.

The story isn't really about Tanya, but her mom. But not her real mom. Her vampire mom. (I think.) I don't remember her name. Let's call her "Creeps A'hoy." Creeps A'hoy was a nice and pleasant vampire. She spent her days doing vampire things and having vampire adventures. Then one day, she and some other vampires started to bite babies, and I'm sure Quil is reading this with rapt attention.

And now we get into the reason behind my smile. Vampire babies.

Why did these old time vamps decide to bite and infect infants? Who knows? Who cares? They did it. And the result was super adorable lil' vampire babies. These bundles of joy were so cute that humans and vampires couldn't resist them. But when the babies became hungry, they would attack without mercy. Things got out of hand, and eventually the Volturi stepped in to sort it out.

Now, some questions:

How dangerous is a baby vampire?

If you've ever fought a baby, you know they are pretty week, even the ones with a shocking amount of hair. Usually you can take them down with a chop to their sternum, or by standing two feet away from them and watch them fall down and go boom as they try to walk toward you.

Even if the baby is an excellent walker, and even if it had a knife in one hand and jar of sulfuric acid in the other, you'd still survive, because babies are as uncoordinated as a blind duck in a fishing net. Yes, yes. I know the babies would have increased strength and agility. But their vampire strength is based on their strength as a human, right? So if they could lift two ounces as a baby, how much could they lift as a vampire baby? Maybe a can of soda or a tiny dog. That's it.

Besides, vampires aren't super-duper heavy. You could still defeat a vampire baby with a quick kick and watch as it flies through the air just like a round, juicy, delicious watermelon.

So how did these bundles of joy kill people? Did their vampire mommies toss them at victims? Did the moms shoot them at people via a slingshot? Did they drop them off at the ball pit and let them have at it? The possibilities are endless. I want a baby vampire movie! And I want it to star Morgan Freeman as the voice of the baby.

For the sake of argument, let's say a vampire baby does attack you. How much of your blood can a baby drink? They're babies! You could let them suck on a Band Aid and they would be satiated.

Vampire babies aren't scary. They're just hilarious and weird, like sassy old women who talk openly about their sex lives.

Things that are more threatening than a vampire baby:

Vampire tree.
Vampire sea horse.
Vampire baby sea horse.
Vampire beach towel.
Vampire cloud.
Vampire baby cloud.

But I love vampire babies. I hope the rest of this book is nothing but infants crawling around Forks, WA trying to kill people. That would be entertaining. Vampire babies are fantastic and ridiculous. I can understand why Tanya's mom created one. It would be the best conversation piece at a party. Better than my stupid lava lamp.

What's that?
ME: Vampire baby.
PARTY GUEST: What does it do?
ME: All kinds of stuff. Here. Check this out. [Smashes plate over baby's head.] See?
ME: I also lease him out to movie studios where he does baby stunt work. And in the summer, I wear him around my neck to keep me cool.
PARTY GUEST: Is it dangerous?
ME: Not really. When he gets hungry, I just chuck him near a group of squirrels. It's the cutest thing.
PARTY GUEST: Cool. Um, why are you holding my hand like that?
ME: It's 2010, my friend. There are no more rules.

Back to the story: These forever babies were causing trouble, and because they acted out of instinct, they didn't abide by the Volturi's rules. So, Aro and the gang put a stop to it. They rounded up the vampire babies and their "moms" and killed them. But before killing all the babies, Aro, being creepy to the core, took a few home with him to study. This was when Carlisle was hanging out with Volturi, so he saw first hand how cute and cuddly these infants were. Aro couldn't find any use for the babies, so he destroyed them all, while Macrus (giggle) was probably busy explaining to a sad woman that her boyfriend is just not into her.

And thus, Tanya's mom was killed. Tanya and her sister were saved because they were unaware of what was going on with the baby-making. And that ends Tanya's story.

Bella is so bored by her own thoughts that she falls asleep near the end of the tale and has a dream about a crazed vampire baby that kills her family and (ahem) friends.

Mutters: 0 (Book total 3)
Murmurs: 2 (Book total 3)

Meanwhile, the boys are living it up at Edward's bachelor party

JASPER: Weeee! Bachelor party!
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
EDWARD: Guys, let's not do anything too crazy. I'm a bit of pansy.
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
JASPER: I'm thirsty!
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
EDWARD: Maybe I should check in with Bella. I miss her.
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
JASPER: My shoe's untied. Guys! Wait up! My shoe! [Cries]
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
EDWARD: You know what's so great about Bella? We can just talk, you know. It's nice. I like that. I better call her…
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
JASPER: My sock is bunched up in my shoe. Emmett, help! My sock is hurting me! Emmett! My sock!
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
EDWARD: I think even after we're married, I will remain a virgin for a few years. Just to be safe.
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
JASPER: Can we go home, now? I'm missing my shows. Emmett! Can we please go! I’m bored! I hate it here! My leg is itchy. Emmett!?
EDWARD: What does a bra look like?
EMMETT: That's it! Shut up! Both of you! I will cut open your throats with fire if you don't shut up and start acting like men!
EDWARD: [whimper]
JASPER: Are you making fun of my scars? I'm telling!
EMMETT: I'm going over there to kill something with a rusty spoon that I just weaponized. Leave me alone, OK?
JASPER: Mom says my scars make me special…

If you didn't read Part 1 of Blogging Breaking Dawn, you should be ashamed of yourself. Assuage your guilt here!

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging breaking dawn

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