Things Action Heroes Never Seem to Worry About

Lights! Camera! EXPLOSIONS!

Summer is open season for action movies, the time of year when we're blessed with endless fireballs, shootouts, chase scenes, and fistfights. The A Team falls out of the sky! The Expendibles get stuck in a Central American rainforest! The Airbenders... bend air!

But there are some things action heroes never seem to worry about—things that the rest of us must cope with on a daily basis. Like...

1. Drinking enough water. In all the tropical heat and raging fires, these guys tend to sweat a lot, but they never need to hydrate.
2. Keeping shoelaces tied. Even double-looped paratrooper boots should unravel at some point.
3. Bathroom breaks.
4. Hospitals. Every time these guys get a bullet wound, they manage to pull out the slug with a pair of pliers and sew neat little crosshatch stitches in their own skin. I guess somebody was paying attention in Home Ec.
5. Proper insurance coverage. Given how many cars action heroes drive/hijack/hurl off of bridges, they must pay a fortune in premiums.
6. Seatbelts. They never seem to use 'em.
7. Jetlag. One day they're in Miami, next day they're in Prague. But no matter how far they're traveled, they're always wide awake, ready and waiting for the next ambush in their hotel room.
8. Money. Action heroes never need to buy gas at the Exxon or tip their waiters. This stuff just never seems to come up.
9. Speeding tickets.
10. Proper visas for entering foreign countries.
11. Hiring a sitter for pets/children while away on assignment.
12. Migraines, which would seem inevitable, given all the loud noises.
13. Hearing loss.
14. Dust in the eye. Especially on racing motorcycles.
15. Canker sores.
16. Forgetting stuff, like a hotel room key in another pair of pants, or a cell phone back at the restaurant, or the street address of the super-secret hero headquarters.
17. Air pressure changes.
18. People who don't speak fluent English.
19. Where they parked.
20. Names of people they only met once.

Anything else?

Related Post: How to Become a Superhero in 4 Easy Steps