Archaeologists from the Distant Future Uncover Urban Outfitters Store

During a dig in the Lost City of New York, our team unearthed a buried building. On the outside, we found a sign reading "Urban Outfitters" in Ancient English. We believe we have uncovered a marketplace for clothing, ceremonial jewelry, and spiritual texts.

After months of studying this marketplace, we have reached some conclusions about the United Statesians of the early 21st Century.

Demographics: From pictures, we've learned that most people died by the age of 24. Due to a deadly disease, or possibly widespread famine, most people were emaciated and pale. Not surprisingly, they suffered from depression—no picture shows a person smiling. Rather, the subjects are scowling and leaning at strange angles, as if entranced. We believe that military service was compulsory for men and women, which explains the enormous number of frayed army jackets.

Religion: We are still puzzling out the American pantheon, but we believe the people worshiped the gods Taiwan, China, Visa, and MasterCard. These names were written over and over again on various totems. We also believe that women tortured themselves with skin-tight denim pants, which must have restricted the flow of blood and caused unpleasant chaffing. Perhaps this was a kind of bodily mortification.

Literature: The United Statesians read a wide variety of instructional books, such as How to Use a Sewing Machine and How to Poop Ironically. The Ancient Americans were drawn to the red-bearded folk-hero "Chuck Norris," who could perform incredible feats of strength. At least two sagas paid homage to his glory (Chuck Norris Cannot be Stopped and The Truth About Chuck Norris).

Music: The United Statesians seemed unaware of digital technology. Their music was recorded on primitive vinyl records. We believe that this was a puritanical, self-denying culture, as only a handful of composers were deemed "acceptable." How the New Yorkers assessed the purity of their music is impossible to say, but we have surmised that impure musical taste was scolded and mocked by fellow tribesmen. A poor choice of favorite band could end friendships and cause deadly feuds.

Gender Roles: Males were required to starve themselves and wear colorless garments. They are often pictured standing alone, sullen and despondent. Hair was rarely cut or even washed. We believe that women shunned sunlight, because of the enormous sunglasses that covered half their faces. Because of the vast number and variety of shoes, we believe that women spent their time walking in endless circles, which would explain the need for extra throw-rugs. Men and women were rarely, if ever, seen together.

Economy: We believe that the New Yorkers invented their own monetary system, for surely nobody would pay $98 for a single pair of blue slim crop jeans. Given the images of mismatched clothes and unkempt bodies, we assume that United Statesians were desperately poor. We found no records of fishing or agriculture, so the New Yorkers likely bartered with a variety of accent pillows and breakable plastic cameras.

Conclusions: After a thorough investigation of the Urban Outfitters site, we conclude that the marketplace was reserved for an ascetic lower caste that was malnourished, technologically deficient, and forbidden to participate in wider American culture. The biggest mystery to date: Why various people and objects are described as "the new black."

What else would future archaeologists find in an Urban Outfitters?

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