What It’s Like to Travel to...Phoenix, Arizona

We started sweating just reading this post by iplayharp. We're still sweating, actually. WILL THE HORROR NEVER END?— Sparkitors

I live in Phoenix, Arizona, which is, above all, ridiculously hot. OK, maybe Death Valley, California, gets a few degrees warmer sometimes, but no one can deny the excruciating heat of a Phoenix summer. If you're vacationing here this summer, prepare yourself for the flesh-melting environment that I’ve come to know and love:

The inescapable sun: The average rainfall in Phoenix is less than 2 inches per year. You heard me, PER YEAR. It’s pretty much sunny every single day, and the few times it rains, almost every Phoenician is out on her front porch doing the rain dance. Since it’s sunny so often, people are outside almost all year, even in the dead of winter. In the summer, people find misting systems, sit in the shade, and swim for about six hours a day. The rest of the year is like any other city, but with the added fun of hiking.

Bronze gods: As previously mentioned, Phoenix is hot and sunny. The downside? TONS of people get skin cancer. If you come visit, be sure to bring lots of sunscreen. On a lighter note, with heat and sun come gorgeous tans. Seriously, we all look like Brazilian models! OK, maybe not everyone, but we still all turn quite dark in the summer. If you’re not into tan and sexy people, don’t worry: you can still have fun in Phoenix by hanging out with Stephenie Meyer, who lives in town. She is an expert on pale and un-sexy people.

We're on FIRE: An average hot tub is about 102 degrees, and you can only sit in it for about 15 minutes at a time. Seems pretty hot, right? WRONG. In Phoenix, 102 is laughable; by late afternoon, the temperature drifts between 110 and 118. YEAH. It may be a dry heat, but it’s still pretty dang hot. I have absolutely no idea why the most profitable businesses in Phoenix revolve around tourism...no one from out of state can last a day! I remember a delightful conversation I had with my younger cousin, who lives in Colorado (wimp):

Cousin: OH MY GAWD, HAVE YOU SEEN THE THERMOMETER?!?!?
Me: Umm, yeah…it says 92.3 degrees. What’s the big deal?
Cousin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!! IT’S LIKE, HELL, OR SOMETHING!!! IT HAS NEVER BEEN THIS HOT!!! MY FACE IS EXPLODING!!!
Me: It's usually 115 degrees here. This is like winter.
Cousin: *kneels at my feet and kisses them* YOU ARE SOOOO STRONG.

I know what you’re thinking: people who live in Arizona must be demi-gods of amazing strength, beauty, and endurance. Well, thanks *giggles*, but actually, you’re wrong again. Once the temperature is below 70, out come everyone’s Ugg boots, heavy coats, and snow pants. We’re actually just pathetic wimps like you, so don’t feel bad! Also, our lowest winter temperature is about 40, so snow is virtually nonexistent. *Sigh* Oh well, there’s always travel! Phoenix is only a few hours away from the Mexican beaches and northern Arizona ski slopes, so it’s all good!

Did this post make you feel like you had a sunburn? Yeah, us too.

Related post: Fighting the War Against Sweat