Rules for the Public Pool

1. This is a non-smoking area, except for the heavyset sunburned guy who is sneaking cigarettes in the corner. (How does the lifeguard not see him?)

2. No glass bottles or outside food allowed. Even though everyone else snuck them in.

3. Do not flirt with the lifeguard, unless the lifeguard flirts with you first.

4. Music should be listened to only through headphones, until you trip and drop your iPod in the pool. ARRGH! 5. Do not ogle the incredibly attractive divers. Your lusty gaze distracts them. And they're out of your league.

6. The showers only spray cold water. Grin and bear it.

7. Middle-aged men with beer guts are required to wear Speedos.

8. Middle-aged women must wear floppy hats.

9. No running. Unless the Mean Lifeguard is nodding off behind his sunglasses, although it's so hard to tell because his arms are always folded like that.

10. All new goggles are required to break or malfunction within an hour of use.

11. One dragonfly bite per person who is totally creeped out by dragonflies.

12. Skateboarders are required to speak to girls in bikinis through a chain link fence, because skateboarders are too cool to actually enter the public pool area, even though they spend all their time on the sidewalk directly outside of it.

13. A minimum of three children must not realize that the "laps" session has begun.

14. A minimum of one teenager must be thrown in pool by jerk-friend. Both must get kicked out for the afternoon, after lots of irate whistling and grim pointing.

15. When lightning is seen, no matter how far off, everybody must scream frantically at once. Swimmers must splash toward the stairs, pushing each other out of the way as panic takes hold.

16. No hot dog from the snack stand should ever be finished. It should moulder in the sun until it's completely covered in bees.

17. All money given out by mom must be immediately soaked through.

18. The pool's drain system must be filled with litter by noon.

19. You must get kicked in the eye.

20. Sunburns are required.

What else?

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