Chapter Twenty-Three: Memories
Better Title: Make It Stop
We learn that Baby Optimus loves to bite Jacob and...
Enough! If this book doesn't develop a plot soon, I will eat my own teeth!
If you're wondering why I'm in a particularly cranky mood, it's because the last chapter ended with a hint of action as Bella lunged for Jacob's throat. I foolishly believed this chapter would open with the continuation of this action. Ha. Boy, was I wrong. So I drove out to my Thinking Lake for a few days. However, I was so worried about having to eat my own teeth after making that bold ultimatum, that even my Thinking Lake couldn't calm me down.
Instead of describing Bella's tussle with Jacob, the chapter starts about fifteen minutes after the battle. That's right, folks. We don't see what happened. Bella tells us what happened, and does a lousy job of it. If Bella went to a karate tournament, and was asked to do play-by-play commentary, she would remain silent for an hour and then say, "Some people did karate and I watched it."
There are so many reasons to hate Bella Swan, from her bratty behavior to her dependence on others. But her decision to describe some things in wordy detail, such as magnets and skin, and then practically ignore an epic vampire/werewolf fight, is infuriating. If she witnessed a pterodactyl attacking an F-16, she would describe it thusly:
"The clouds floated wordlessly by on winds of questions. Change was in the air. To love a friend meant having to hurt him in the process. Was it worth it, I murmured, thinking of my life before the cold cloak of death became my new clothes. My wardrobe, now a drobe of war. Above me, some lizard-bird did something to an airplane, but I was far too concerned with the skin of my lover to possibly be entertained by the antics of mere dino-fowl and jets. Magnets cannot be tamed in a world where things that are not love can exist on the face of angels."
From what little Bella reveals of her battle with Jacob, we learn that Seth stepped in and blocked Bella's blow. Bella accidentally broke Seth's arm in the process, and the fight immediately ended as Bella tried to apologize. It wasn't a great fight, but it was a clash nonetheless, and I'm double-pissed that we didn't get to witness the carnage.
Bella seems sorry for what she's done, but everyone tells her not to worry about it because it's only natural for a newborn vampire to lash out. I bet Bella could set fire to all of Canada, and the Cullens would say, "Oh, silly Bella, don't feel bad. It's not your fault. It's very difficult being a new vampire. We can always adopt a new Canada from the pound. Now let's buy you your own planet and some new boots!"
Bella is still angry that Jacob is dating her daughter, but the anger has dulled a little because of no real reason whatsoever other than "it's convenient." Speaking of convenient, we learn a bit more about Optimus "Nessie" Beyonce. Here's a quick rundown:
1. She's not venomous. I was under the impression that vampire venom caused all manner of vampire super powers. Since Optimus has no venom, her super powers must come from someplace else, like Double Heaven, North Dakota, or Underground Dakota.
2. Her growth is slowing. For one whole sentence, Bella worries that the baby's rapid development will be a problem. But Carlisle is measuring Optimus every four hours, and it seems that the growth spurt is slowing down, much like this book. Why would a baby mature rapidly for a few months and then suddenly age normally? Don't be stupid. That question is so idiotic that I will not even dignify it with an answer.
3. Optimus drinks human blood. We knew this already, but the more I think about it, the more it doesn't make sense. The baby must have blood breath, so why isn't Bella going crazy for the sweet, sweet taste of people-juice? And why is Jasper not destroying the entire town out of frustration? He must feel like a fat guy trying to diet while his niece walks around eating bacon burgers covered in macaroni and cheese. And if it's OK for Optimus to booze it up on human blood, why can't Jasper have some? I must have said this a hundred times since I started this blog, but why can't the Cullens get human blood from legitimate places, like blood banks and that van parked out by the abandoned warehouse?
4. She likes Jacob because his blood tastes good. Whenever they try to feed Optimus, she bites, and she has a fondness for Jacob's flavor. Edward says it's only because Jacob tastes better than the vampires. But if Optimus is half vampire/half human, and vampires hate, hate, hate werewolf blood, then that means humans love werewolf blood. Right? RIGHT? Why won't you answer me? Why can't I stop crying?
After the scuffle, Jacob and Rose took the baby outside, while Bella learned what she missed during the past few days. Remember the coming war between Sam's werewolves and the Cullens? Go ahead and forget all about that. The previous 189 chapters regarding this rivalry were utterly pointless because now Sam and his gang are nice and friendly.
It's as if The Lord of the Rings ended with Frodo saying, "You know what, Sauron? If you promise not to use the ring for evil, I'll give it back. But you have to really promise to be nice. Pinky swear, even! No foolin'!"
Since Jacob imprinted on Optimus, the other werewolves can't kill her. It goes against werewolf culture. Sam and Jacob smoothed things out, again all off screen, and now the only problem in the life of Bella Swan is how to spend her millions of unearned dollars and to decide which flamboyant word to use to describe Edward. (May I suggest "pulchritudinous"? It's the only word she hasn't murmured yet.)
Seth explains all of this to Bella, but the werewolf boy is tired and eventually falls asleep. Bella, who is sitting on the couch with Seth says, "I got up; the motion didn't jostle the couch in the slightest. Everything physical was so easy." I can get up from a couch too, Bella, but the difference between you and me is that I don't feel the need to tell people about my ability to stand up from a seated position.
Bella thinks about her dad. She will need to fake her own death and leave town. The thought of taking Optimus and fleeing isn't all the bad in Bella's mind, since it would mean taking her baby away from baby-dater Jacob. She wonders what would happen if Jacob were separated from Optimus. I doubt it would end well. Jacob would eventually find her, and if he didn't, he would probably try to take a unfertilized egg to the prom.
By the way, is Jacob still in school? What is he going to do with the rest of his life? He needs an education. He's fine right now, because his girlfriend can get into most zoos and movies for free, but Jake needs to make a life for himself. "Patrol Running" doesn’t pay very well, especially in these tough economic times. Perhaps he can open a day care/nightclub with Quil and call it "Tots-N-Shots." (Yeah, even I felt icky about that last sentence.)
Jasper is a bit jealous of Bella. He has such a hard time controlling his hunger, and yet Bella seems fit as a fiddle, a saying I don't understand. Instead, let's say Bella is as fit as a Michael Phelps. Upset with himself for being such a whiny loser, Jasper runs away…for about three minutes. He comes back five paragraph later. Talk about being an attention hog. I bet Esme is going to have make a big deal about something Jasper has done, just to make sure he doesn't have a tantrum.
JASPER: I folded my laundry all by myself!
ESME: Oh my heavens, Jasper! Look at you! You're such a brave boy!
JASPER: And I even put them away in the drawers and everything!
ESME: Well, I'm going out to the store to buy you some Hot Wheels!
EMMETT: Hey Ass-per, I'm going to use your room to make out with Rosalie because my room smells like diesel fuel and hatchet metal.
JASPER: Nu-uh! Not fair! I need my room to practice my one act play, "Scar-y Scar-y Night."
EMMETT: Out of the way, brother.
JASPER: I'll move sideways! So help me God, I'll do it!
EMMETT: Shut up.
JASPER: You're just jealous because I have scars. Scars make me special and unique!
EMMETT: Yeah. That must be it.
JASPER: Mom! Emmett is making fun of my scars!
QUIL: My girlfriend is crying in the other room. She just found out that there's a skeleton inside her body. She's afraid of skeletons.
Everyone is impressed with Bella's self-control, and Carlisle thinks willpower must be Bella's super ability, like Edward's ability to read minds and Esme's ability to do nothing worthwhile with her life. This leads to a confusing conversation about three vampires I have no memory of: Siobhan, Maggie, and Liam. Did we already learn about these vamps? I don't care enough to look them up. If they were mentioned in the first half of this book, I won't be able to read it anyway, because those pages are smeared with my anger-tears (eye-water).
Carlisle says Siobhan's super power was the ability to do whatever the hell she wanted. I swear, that's what Carlisle says. Her super power was the ability to will something into existence. Siobhan wanted the vampire Maggie to stick around with her and Liam, and, POOF, Maggie did, all because Siobhan wanted it. Dr. Cullen theorizes that Bella has a similar power. She's not acting like a typical newborn vampire because Bella decided not to be a typical newborn vampire.
That thud you heard was my brain trying to make a run for it and slamming into my skull. Also, you may hear soft weeping. I'm still crying.
The power to will things into being? That's Bella's super power? So if Bella wanted to, say, fold a bowling ball in half, she could? If Bella wanted to make an elephant lay an egg, she could do that too? If Bella wanted to eat a helicopter, that would be no problem because she has the special power to do whatever the hell she want?
Yep, that makes sense. (Sarcasm hand is raised so high that I made a shadow puppet on the face of Neptune.)
Vampire super powers are based on abilities you had as a human. Alice was perceptive as a human, and as such, these powers were amplified after she changed into a vampire. So what natural characteristic did Bella have prior to being a vampire? Oh, that's right. She got everything she damn wanted all the damn time. This does make sense. Of course!
The conversation about Siobhan is so strange and complicated that even Bella tunes out as she is allowed to once again hold Optimus. The 2-day-old baby touches Bella and communicates using her mind thoughts. (Remember, Optimus can shove her thoughts into someone simply by touching them.) Exactly how can this super power be helpful once Optimus learns to speak?
BELLA: What would you like for lunch, my little Optimus?
BELLA: Tell mommy what you want.
OPTIMUS: Let me slap your face.
BELLA: Can't you just tell me?
OPTIMUS: No! Let me touch your face! I can use my powers!
BELLA: But it would be easier if…Fine. Whatever. [Optimus slaps Bella's face]
BELLA: Ouch! And I think we're out of mailman blood. How about some Honey Nut Cheerios? [Optimus slaps Bella again]
BELLA: Now why did you just spoil last night's episode of Skating With the Stars? You know mommy hasn't seen it yet!
OPTIMUS: Shut up, lady. I'm going to spend the night in Jacob's room, where he will kiss me on the mouth…in a protective, friendly sort of way.
As Bella and Optimus chit-chat using mind thoughts, Alice, Jasper, and Emmett return to the house. Emmett's here! Hi, Emmett! Hey Emmett, did you hear about Bella? If she wants to drink the entire ocean, she can. It's her super power. It's sensible. Emmett, if you can hear me, I beg you to run out of the book and into any other book you can find. I'm going to hold my copy of Breaking Dawn against my copy of Jurassic Park. Simply leap across. You can do it, Emmett. I have faith. On the count of three! One! Two! THREE! Run, Emmett! Run to the land of dinosaurs theme parks!
It didn't work.
The giggly Alice reminds us all that today is Bella's birthday. Even Bella forgot. As a gift, Alice gives Bella a key that I'm sure unlocks a treasure chest filled with ponies, treasure, a jet ski, a billion dollars, and a gallon of pure leprechaun blood.
Murmurs: 2 (Book Total: 59)
Mutters: 2 (Book Total: 36)
20 years later, after Jacob and Optimus are married…
EDWARD: Jacob, did you put gas in the car?
JACOB: Get off my back, Dad.
EDWARD: Son, if you're going to live with my daughter in my house, you must follow my rules.
JACOB: I don't need your house. Optimus and I are totally going to get a place of our own.
EDWARD: Did you even look for a job today?
JACOB: I told you. I can't get a job if I want to work on my music. My music is my job.
EDWARD: Bella and I can't support you forever, you know. Maybe you should go back to school.
JACOB: Maybe you should shut the hell up, old man. You're going to be so sorry when my band, Wolf-mageddon, gets famous.
CLAIRE: My husband thinks it's sexy when I sit in a booster seat.
Peruse the Blogging Twilight archives, if you don't mind dying of laughter!