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Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 1

Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 1

A few thoughts before we begin:

It's the beginning of the end. For those tuning in for the first time, where the hell have you been? We were worried. For the past year, I've been reading the Twilight series and blogging about it on a chapter-by-chapter basis. I don't like Bella, Edward, or Alice. I do like Emmett, the werewolves, and all things unrelated to Alice. For this book, I'm counting the number of times "mutter" or "murmur" appear in each chapter. (There's even a "murmur" on the back cover! Yay!) Enough chit-chat. It's my understanding that this book is crazy, and crazy is my favorite flavor. Let's get started.

Preface:

The book begins with Bella (presumably) being turned into a vampire by Edward. The good news is that this event only lasts half a page. The bad news is that this event lasts an entire half a page.

Chapter One: Engaged
Better Title: Enraged

Our whiny, selfish, miserable narrator Bella Swan once again tells us how awful her life is. The poor thing is not only engaged to the man of her dreams, but is also driving a fancy shmancy new car that Eddie bought her. Plus, she must attend an Ivy League school, which she doesn't have to pay for. She really has a rough life. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm reading Breaking Dawn, or The Diary of Anne Frank.

As Bella's driving, she notices that…

I can't do it.

I can't go on. I just can't. There are so many pages in this book. So many! I thought I could get through the book. I thought if I rewarded myself with a piece of pie and a pair of new awesome pants, then I would be able to blog this book. But it's too much.

[Looks out the window thoughtfully]

No. I can do this. I will not give up like Edward did in New Moon. I will not whine like Bella did in every sentence of every book. I will make it through this, and when I'm done, I will eat pie and wear the hell out of my new pants. Of this, I swear.

So anyway, Bella is driving around town in her new Mercedes. Her truck, which was one of my favorite characters in this series, died. So, that pissed me off for the rest of the day. It's like if the third Lord of the Rings movie began with Cate Blanchett whispering, "And the ring traveled East, right into the clutches of Lord Sauron. By the way, Gimli died a few weeks ago. He had diabetes. Sowwy!"

The mighty vampire truck broke down, and since Jacob is off Forrest Gump-ing his way across Canada, Bella had no choice but to trash my beloved truck. Edward replaced her vehicle with a new car. Not just any car. This is a super-duper Mercedes that (according to the book) isn't on the market yet. It's equipped with armor plating and "missile-proof" glass.

Missile-proof? Does that mean there will be missiles later? Maybe this book isn't so bad after all.

Edward bought Bella the world's safest car because A) he's less a boyfriend than he is a nervous prison guard or overbearing father and B) Bella is clumsy. It makes sense. We later learn that Edward has another car waiting for Bella, but she must become a vampire before driving this second car, either because the car is dangerous (I assume the seats are made out of metal spikes and bird flu, the pedals are made of C-4 explosives, and the steering wheel is a hungry coiled cobra), or because Edward is a jerk who loves to wave treats in front of Bella's face like she's some kind of puppy.

Of course, when Bella becomes a vampire, she's going to act crazy and thirsty like the other newborn vampires. So perhaps it isn't wise to give her a super-fast sports car. While you're at it, Eddie, why not give her a hatchet and a map to homes where slow-moving, blood-filled humans live?

And why do the Cullens need so many damn cars in the first place? They don't do anything! They just sit around the house, watching The Game Show Network and wait for Bella to have a problem. That's it.

Carlisle works as a doctor, so he's obviously busy. But what to do the other vampires do all day? They're not in high school anymore. They don't have jobs. They're like my hippie uncle Stanley who lived in our basement for eight years while he worked on his "screenplay," which we later learned was simply Jaws but without a shark. He now lives in Detroit and sells curtains.

Here is Rosalie's Daily To-Do list:

1. Don't sleep.
2. Drink animal blood.
3. Think about things.
4. Post trolling comments on message boards.
5. Remain childless.
6. Wash blood off Emmett's bow-and-chainsaw.
7. Be beautiful.
8. Act snobbish.
9. Sit.
10. Beat Minesweeper on "Advanced" setting.

This family isn't a clan of super powered heroes. They're a gang of lazy bums. And we're suppose to root for these ancient loafers? I'll take the hardworking werewolves over this group of sexy couch potatoes any day. (Emmett is the sole exception, obviously.)

By the way, though it's not mentioned in the book, I'm assuming all the werewolves work at a steel mill, in a coal mine, or as Hollywood stuntmen.

Since this is the first chapter, Bella needs to catch us up on the story. She loves Edward. She also loves Jacob, but not in a naked, let's-see-what-our-tongues-tastes-like, sort of way. Jacob hightailed it (literally) out of town because he became double-sad that Bella chose Edward over him, and now he's roaming around Canada in his wolf-form. How cool is that? Why can't we read about him instead!? PLEASE!?

I always wanted Jacob to be out on his own, looking for trouble. A loner. An anti-hero. He's like Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, or Joey in my short story, "Lonely Joey Does Things," a title that may need to be reworked because many publishers fear it sounds too much like a Sex Ed pamphlet.

The point is, Jacob needs to be alone. He shouldn't be with Bella. And I'm hoping that Ms. Meyers lets him be a tough, rugged badass out in the wilderness. But something tells me he's going to return to the story as the sad lamer he was at the end of Eclipse. I don't want Boo-Hoo Jacob. I want Boo-Yah Jacob. I want to read about the funny, strong outlaw who stirs up trouble. Jacob should be like Bradley Cooper mixed with Batman and The Road Warrior. He shouldn't act like a weepy Ben Affleck mixed with Eeyore and every female cast member of The Real World.

Bella is worried about Jacob, and checks in with Seth every once in a while to see how Jake is doing. In wolf form, the werewolves are mentally connected, so when Seth is a wolf and Jacob is a wolf, Seth can see what Jacob is up to. It doesn't make any sense, but it's much better than Alice's powers.

Seth is friendly and polite. He doesn't care that Jacob left La Push over Bella, and he also doesn't hate the Cullens the same way the other werewolves do. In fact, Seth and Edward have become friends.

BLANK FACE

Excuse me for a moment. I need to legally change my turtle's name from "Seth Clearwater Is Awesome" to "Saturn Cher Igloo America." (That way she'll have the same initials and I won't need to change the engraving on my locket.) Seth better figure out that Edward is a tool-bag soon, or else I'll also need to change the name of my other turtle. (Currently, his name is "Seth Is Just OK.")

We then enter a flashback where we see how Edward and Bella broke the news to Charlie that they were engaged. It goes over better than expected. Charlie was assuming something like this would happen, and laughs at the thought of Bella telling her mom the big news.

Until this point, Bella's mom has been like a freckle on the back of your knee. You forget it's there until one day you're swimming and someone says, "What's that dot on your leg, and why are you crying? I didn't even splash you that hard."

From what little we know about the former Mrs. Swan, she's immature and flakey. And her name is Renee. That's about it. But she takes the news of Bella's engagement rather well. Too well. In fact, she's jumping up and down like a cheerleader. So once again, Bella is having a horrible life. New car, free tuition, love of her life, understanding parents, and all the money in the world. Yep. I really, really, really feel sorry for her.

Moreover, I can relate to her and her problems. I'm dealing with similar hardships right now, and it's so refreshing to know I'm not alone. Lean on me, sister. U-n-i-t-y! That spells unity.

With everyone on board for the wedding, the two families begin preparations. Bella takes this opportunity to remind us all that the wedding needs to happen quickly because she's a horny spoiled brat. But that's normal. In fact, most traditional wedding vows contain the phrase, "I will honor and cherish you because I'm horny. Also? I'm a brat."

She wants to be turned into a vampire and made immortal as soon as possible before she gets much older than Edward. And she wants to have sex before becoming a vampire. So everything needs to happen fast.

Ms. Meyer once again refuses to use the word "sex" in this chapter (and I assume the entire book), so reading the last few paragraphs is hysterical. Instead of saying, "I want to have sex with Edward," Bella says, "I wanted the complete experience," which sounds like she's ordering a special sundae at the ice cream parlor.

The chapter ends with Belly trying on her wedding dress and dreaming about special hugs.

Mutters:
3
Murmurs: 1

Prediction:
Along with a new, safe car, Edward has bought another gift for Bella.

EDWARD: Surprise! I got you this. [SHOWS BELLA GIANT HAMSTER BALL]
BELLA: Neat! What is it?
EDWARD: It's for walking around the house. Now you won't need to worry about bumping into sharp corners or hot stove tops.
BELLA: [CONFUSED] It's a big hamster ball.
EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not a hamster ball. It's a Goin' Orb! It's for Goin' places! I think Halle Berry uses one…
BELLA: Oh! That's cool! [JUMPS INTO THE BALL] Weee! It's working!
EDWARD: I'm glad you like it.
BELLA: But how will I use stairs?
EDWARD: Silly. You're not going to use stairs. Not until you're a vampire.
BELLA: But how will I get to my room?
EDWARD: I'm going to eat you. Swallow you whole. You'll be safe inside my stomach. I'll walk up the stairs and then barf you out, safe and sound.
BELLA: Oh! You mean just like you do when I want to ride on the merry-go-round.
EDWARD: Exactly.
BELLA: Weee!

How excited are you that Dan's back?!?

If you just moved to Earth from Mars and need to catch up on Dan's past posts, check out the Blogging Twilight index page.

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging breaking dawn

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