The Mind of Every 3-D Audience Member

Toy Story 3 was great! It was funny and sweet, and that scene in which the characters held hands and looked at each other could make even Bigfoot weep. And Bigfoot NEVER weeps! The only thing the movie didn’t need was a third dimension. The film was good, because it was good. 3-D had nothing to do with it.

But Hollywood seems hellbent (a term we love to use and yet don’t understand) on making every movie 3-D. Is this good? Is this bad? It’s certainly more expensive. And it does change the way you watch a film, as you can read below.

This is what goes through the mind of every person watching a 3-D movie:

Before the Movie Begins

This is going to be awesome. There’s a warning on the package. It says do not wear the glasses while driving. You can’t tell me what to do, you dumb package. You’re not the boss of me! I’m putting my glasses on now. How do these things work? It just looks dark. Ooh! I have a brilliant, hilarious idea. Before the movie begins, I'll say to my friends, “Hey! The 3-D glasses are working!” and then I’ll wave my hand in front of my face. I’m so funny. This is going to be funny.

[DOES THE GAG]

They’re not laughing. They probably don’t get it. My friends are lame. I need new friends. I wish Zach Galifianakis was my friend. He’s so cool. And he’d laugh at my completely original joke. I hope he’s in this movie. The glasses are starting to hurt my nose and make my temples sweat. I sure hope that pain goes away.

Movie Begins
Ooh! This is amazing! The words are flying off the screen! Suddenly I care a great deal about the casting director. Her name just flew away. Wow! Wow! Look at all that stuff falling and flying! AMAZING!

80 Seconds Later
My nose hurts.

Six Minutes Later
I wonder what the screen looks like without these glasses. Maybe I should check. But if I check, then something cool and 3-D may happen on the screen and I will miss it. Hmm. I’m going to check.

[TAKES OFF GLASSES]

The screen just looks a bit blurry. Lame.

20 Minutes Later
I wonder what the screen looks like now.

[TAKES OFF GLASSES]

Oh. It looks the same. My nose hurts.

40 Minutes Later
If I turn the glasses around, will the movie look 1-D? I’m too scared to try. Oh no! That thing on the screen is pointing right at me, only slightly to the side! That looked fake. This isn’t very good. My nose hurts.

One Hour Later
Why is this part in 3-D? They’re just talking. I like it when snow falls on the screen. That’s my favorite. I sure hope it snows on these people while they’re talking. I wonder what 3-D glasses taste like.

One Hour and Eight Seconds Later
They taste like plastic and hair sweat.

One Hour and Ten Minutes Later
I bet I’d be good at soccer if I trained hard. My nose hurts.

One Hour and 20 Minutes Later
Crap. I have a SparkNotes article due today. What the hell am I going to write about? The glasses hurt my nose.

One Hour and 30 Minutes Later
It’s over? The credits are in 3-D! Yay! Look at all those three-dimensional words rolling past the screen!

Exiting the Theater
That was OK. I don’t think it was worth the extra money to see it in 3-D. There’s a box to put your used glasses. Do they just spray them with Windex and repackage them? Maybe they don’t even spray them with Windex. Maybe I had someone else’s nose grime on my glasses and now the bridge of my nose is infected with bacteria and evil!

Should I recycle my glasses? I paid for them. I should keep them. I could use them…somehow. I could decorate pumpkins with them, or turn them into a bird feeder, or make them into a tiny shovel for gardening. Or I could toss them in my car and forget about them for a few years.

In the Car
Why can’t I drive with these things on? I bet they don’t want you to wear them while driving because they make driving amazing and fun, and companies hate it when people have fun. I’m going to wear them. What's the worst that could happen?

[GIANT WORMHOLE RIPS OPEN TIME AND SPACE, UNLEASHING COSMIC DEMONS WHO SHALL REIGN OVER US ALL]

Whoops.

Do you like seeing movies in 3-D?

Related post: Movie Review: Toy Story 3