Pretty Little Recaps: Episode Three

This week, we're going to try to make the recap of this nonsensical show as easy to understand as possible. How?

We have no idea.

Now that we have your confidence, onward!

The four girls, Hanna "My boyfriend refuses to smush with me" Marin, Spencer "I made out with my sister's British fiance—SO WHAT" Hastings, Emily "My tongue wants to take a vacation from Straightsville, Pennsylvania to Lady Mouth, New Sexico" Fields, and Aria "I only close my ginormous eyes to make out with my hot English teacher" Montgomery, are walking in the woods. They're on their way to the shed where Ali was last seen alive, but they don't get there, for two reasons:

1. They hear something rustling the woods, and 2. They're super biatchy to each other! Aria's all, "Of COURSE I can hear that creepy noise, nuggetface. I'm standing right next to you." And then Spencer's like, "That sound is a rabbit. Hanna, stop talking to it. Rabbits can't talk back. Didn't you graduate preschool, Oatmeal Brain?"

We may have exaggerated a teeny bit, but still. If the girls are trying to win sympathy points from mysterious strangers they've nearly killed, blinded, or wronged in the past, maybe they should drop the insults and do what I do for sympathy instead: Tap dance on a table to "Benny and the Jets" by Elton John for 42 seconds, then break down in tears. It sounds random, but it works every time. Ask Miss Marm.

We're slowly learning that morning is always Terrible Time in Rosewood. In fact, it should be renamed. (Top of the Terrible! Did you see the sunrise this Terrible? It was gorgeous! But not as gorgeous as the Terrible dew on the Terrible Glories in the garden. Oh well. See you later. Have a fantastic Terrible!) In Hanna's case, the cop who's doing the Sweaty Snuggle with her mom (and wants to arrest Hanna for murder), is hanging out in the kitchen in nothing but a little white towel!!! What a devious, no-good sack of...muscles. You got me. He's hot. BUT EVIL! Meanwhile, Aria's having breakfast at a coffee shop with her dad when a pretty blonde you might recognize from this movie approaches and introduces herself as Meredith. Meredith?!? That's the woman Aria's dad cheated on his mom with! Oh no. Oh boy. What a terrible Terrible, indeed!

The Terrible from Hell continues at the Hastings household, where Melissa Hastings and Mama Hastings are mad at Spencer Hastings for making out with Melissa's fiance, Ren. Spence acts like it wasn't her fault, but as we seem to remember, Spencer let that kiss with Ren last exactly two seconds past Not Guilty. Spencer's mom tells her to take her to "take her muffin to go"—and if you're well-versed in Lady Gaga lingo like we are—you'd interpret this as Mama Hasting's way of calling her own daughter a Master of Skankery.

Yikes. This is the longest Terrible ever. It's even still Terrible when some dude named Noel announces his big weekend party. In fact, he says, "Think big. Think wild. Think parental units in a different time zone."

Okay. No one would EVER say that. Right? I mean, "Think parental units in a different time zone." What year is this, 2000 and NEVER? Blurg. Anyway, everyone's going to the party, and it's pretty clear that Hanna want to smush Sean at the party, and Ben wants to smush Emily at the party, and Maya wants to smush Emily at the party, so Emily wins.

The next terrible thing to happen this Terrible is that some dude called Toby Cavanaugh is BACK at school. We learn that Ali—before she got dead and stuff—made Toby take the blame for the stink bomb incident that blew up his bachelor pad/garage. Because Jenna was blinded in the blast, Toby got sent to reform school. Why did he take the blame? We don't know—but Dead Ali must have had some serious dirt on this very serious-looking young man.

The cop shows up at school, fully-dressed, and interrogates Hanna about her weight loss and appearance change. Hanna says Ali helped her look better. Flashback to Ali pushing Hanna to ask out Sean. It becomes obvi that Sean's got the hots for Ali, not for Hanna. When Hanna snaps back to present, she's sad. And Sad Hanna is Awesome Hanna—she turns the tables on the cop and says she knows he used to be a party boy. Then she yells at him for hanging out at her place in his towel, and says, "Is that how the police build their cases these days?" Oh snap. That towel. On your gorgeous bottom. MOVING ON.

The girls wait for Hanna's interrogation to be over, and they all turn into SCARY PRODUCT PLACEMENT MARKETING ROBOTS!

ARIA: BEEP BEEP BEEP I AM A MARKETING ROBOT PLEASE STAY TUNED AS I CHECK MY FACEBOOK DOT COM PAGE ON MY KIN TELEPHONE DEVICE. BEEP BEEP BEEP. MY KIN. BEEP. MY KIN. BEEP.

EMILY & SPENCER: MY KIN.

ARIA: BEEP.

EMILY & SPENCER: MY KIN.

ARIA: BUY ONE TODAY.

Next, Aria goes to Mr. Fitz's classroom and asks him to hang out with her on Saturday night. We see Mr. Fitz sitting in his chair from Aria's standing-up perspective, and his neck looks very small. It's kind of creepy. Do we still like Mr. Fitz? Is a willowy neck on the official deal-breaker list for 2010? We forget. Anyway, Fitz is skept about hanging out with Aria, but the two do have A Moment. In the moment, they touch pinky fingers—no, that is not a euphemism—and then have to stop when a teacher walks in. Phew, that was close!

We hope that next time, they touch bellybuttons. Cuz that would be hot. And not at all unusual in a student-teacher relationship. Bellybuttons!

Spencer asks Ren for help with her family, who hate her. He's like, "No way ,man," but makes it pretty clear that he wants to to touch pinkies with her. And that is a euphemism, Sparklers. And I will learn to spell euphemism without the aid of spell check before this post is through. That is not a euphemism!

Next, Ben corners Emily in the locker room and wants to make out with her with his giant teeth. She doesn't want to, but he persists. Finally, creepy guy Toby Cavanaugh comes in and punches Ben right in the giant teeth! And they are bloody! BLOODY GIANT  TEETH! Emily dumps Ben and rushes out of the locker room with wet hair, which is a bad idea for catching a cold, but a great idea for not getting beat up.

It's not even Terrible, it's afternoon, when Aria goes to her mom's art gallery and finds Evil Meredith there. Aria's mom, Ella, has been chatting with Meredith, obvi not knowing that Meredith smushed with her husband. Le scandal!

Finally, finally, finally Hanna's mom, Ashley, realizes she doesn't have to be a sex slave to the almost-naked police officer anymore, and dumps him. Thank goooooooodness, because that plot line made no sense and we don't even want to discuss it!!! ROARRRR!

Before the party, Spencer steals a Russian History report from her sister and plans to pass it off as her own. Brilliant plan, Spence. You're not going to get caught at all. Now let's get to that party!

Oh, it's boring. Actually, it's pretty cool, but Hanna's way bored because she can't her bf's attention. Finally, she gets him alone in some amazing Private Sex Barn and something incredible happens: She starts to take off her dress, but then she has ANOTHER DRESS on underneath. Oh ABC Family, you really know how to keep your shows a hair away from pornography teen-appropriate. Anyway, Sean says she's nasty and desperate, and she gets mad and steals his car and crashes it into some giant rocks. Whoopsies!

In the photo booth, because all parties in the woods have photo booths, Maya says her driver's license pic is terrifying. In fact, she says, "I skipped scary and went straight to Snooki." Hahaha! That was the best line of the show! Oh, Maya St. Germaine, My name's Emily and I'm so glad you moved to this town. I'm almost glad enough to...KISS YOUR MOUTH FULL OF NORMAL-SIZED TEETH! Woah!

So Em's doing Mouth Ballet with Maya, and the photo booth is on, snapping pics. But before the girls leave the booth, an ominous figure dressed in scarrrrrrrrry black fleece (sarcasm hand raised) steals the makeout photos! UH OH!

And then...ABC Family's website gets royally arfed up, and this ed has to remember the rest of the show from memory. Euphamism, uphemerism, youfamism...yep, this ed has a horrible memory, but now you're stuck with it.

Okay! Aria goes the gallery, and Evil Meredith is there. She basically tells Aria that she's going to get back with Aria's dad, Byron, which is such a funny name for a dad for some reason. Aria gets freaked out and goes to Mr. Fitz's apartment. He doesn't let her in, which makes us think he's got a lady tiger in there, but we realize that ABC Family just didn't want to pay for the set design of Mr. Fitz's sweet pad. Out in the hallway, Fitz gives Aria a hug, which is NOT what we wanted to see. Take a hint from the muscle-y cop, Mr. Fitz, and invest in a tiny towel!

After the party, Emily thanks Toby Cavanaugh for making Ben's big teeth all bloody. Toby grins, but says nothing. Maybe because he has no teeth of his own. We don't know. This whole episode could have Freudian undertones of Teeth Envy. This is ABC Family, after all. Anything's possible. Except all-out porn. And even that's not completely off the table, we suspect.

The next Terrible, the girls all go into the woods together and hear the strange noise again. Maybe this is a sign, ladies. That you shouldn't go in the woods alone together. Or that you should invest in some SparkNotes earmuffs, just BEEP BEEP $45.99 PER PAIR. BEEP BEEP THEY ARE THE BEST EARMUFFS FOR SUMMER. BEEP. BUY SOME TODAY. Anyway, the girls find Ali's bracelet in the woods. Someone had just dropped it.

And if that's not creeptastic enough, the very last shot is someone in black leather gloves and a black jacket covering an entire wall of this pics Emily and Maya making out. Awha?! We bet it's just those pervy cops again. Hmmm... do you think those little white cop towels come in other colors? Like pink, terra cotta, or Ominous Black Leather? Just a thought.

Let's hope we find out next week!

Are you gettin into PLL yet?

Related Post: Pretty Little Recap: Episode 2