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How To Tell If Someone You've Just Met Is Creepy

How To Tell If Someone You've Just Met Is Creepy

If there's one good thing about creepy people—bad-creepy, not acceptable-creepy—it's that they don't really know how to disguise their creepiness. They're easy to spot. So if you've just met someone and he's already yelling about how he makes sculptures out of his hair, you know there's a problem, and you can just walk away (or throw a pie in his face; your choice). Here are some other creepiness archetypes.

Unblinking, or "Ol' Crazy-Eyes"
It may take a while to realize something is wrong here, but eventually it will occur to you: "wait, don't humans blink sometimes?" As you wonder this, you'll involuntarily start blinking more than usual, because ouch why isn't he blinking, and then your spooky conversational partner might blink just once, very deliberately. Almost like a human-shaped robot reminding itself to fit into society.
Verdict: Human-Shaped Robot

"Mr. Constant-Sunglasses"
It doesn't matter where you meet this person—indoors, in the park at night, or just hanging out in a cavern. He will not remove his sunglasses. How can he see? Can he see? Is removing the sunglasses against his religion? Is there some hipster religion we don't know about?
Verdicts: Superglue Mishap; International Spy; "Ol' Crazy-Eyes" In Disguise

Unintelligible / Impossibly Loud
The Creepy Person Scale runs from "unspeaking stalker-type" to "Shouty Jones, who shouts embarrassing things at all times." Both have volume problems and neither can carry on a fun conversation. In the former case, all you'll really be able to hear is "mrnhm hrmm" and it will be up to you to decide what (if anything) that means. Shouty Jones, on the other hand, will shout every sentence, no matter how private, until glass shatters and walls crumble. This can occasionally be helpful, but usually isn't.

Verdict: Raised By Banshees

Personal Space Violator
Here's a thought experiment for you: is there anything a stranger can say that isn't terrifying if he moves six inches closer with each sentence? (Note: if you choose to imagine something charming, please remember that even the Lay of Leithian is going to sound more like "I'M GONNA GET YA" when you're just dealing with some dude on the subway).

Some people have never discovered that this kind of behavior is baffling, or perhaps they just like to see what happens when they put an arm around you for no discernible reason. Again, this is why you should carry around a "throw-in-the-face" pie.
Verdict: Jerk

Additional Signs:

  • Gives out too much information ("Hello! Wow I had smushed sooooo much yesterday!")
  • Asks for too much information ("Nice to meet you DO YOU SLEEP IN YOUR UNDERWEAR")
  • Reveals knowledge he shouldn't possibly have ("I like the new wallpaper in your room! ...OHGOSH I MEAN, UH, NOTHING.")
  • Appears to smell your hair
  • Actually, appears to smell pretty much anything

How else can you spot a creep?

Related Post: Here's to You, Creepy Beard Guy

Topics: Life
Tags: guides, creepy things, creepers, creeps

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