How to Annoy Your Applebee's Server

As you might know from personal experience, waiting tables is hard work. We feel your pain; some of your favorite SparkLife writers moonlight as servers to pay the bills. The money is decent, and more importantly, it’s fast, but it's usually not worth the trauma inflicted by the customers. What kind of trauma? Glad you asked.

Here are some memorable ways to annoy that sassy Applebee's waitress. Just make sure you don't try any of these on your SparkLife writers or fellow Sparklers, or we’ll totally spit in your spinach artichoke dip. Consider yourself warned!

• The Applebee's slogan is, "There’s no place like the neighborhood." Pull your waitress aside to suggest some more truthful slogans, such as, "This is why America is phat," "Where Biggest Loser contestants break their diets and Jillian loses her shiz," or, "You’ll need a toilet around later, ya hear?"
• Speaking of neighborhoods, creepily ask your waitress where she lives. Demand that she be specific. If she says she lives on Golf Road, ask for the intersection or for a detailed description of the front of her house. Ask her to write her address on your napkin.
• Drink out of the ketchup bottle.

• Ask your waitress to ponder the possibility of extraterrestrial creatures. Does she believe life exists on other planets, or does she think we're alone in the universe? What are her thoughts on asteroids? Does she believe aliens ride them kind of like we ride escalators?
• Inquire about the mole on your waitress's ear, or the scar above her mouth. Did she used to have a cleft palate? Talk about your own body marks and their symbolism in your life.
• Loogie into your napkins. Or when you're sure you're waitress is looking at you, stuff your napkin into your purse or shirt pocket. Then call her over and demand a new napkin.
• Pretend you accidentally cut yourself with a knife. Use ketchup to make the ruse look real.
• Try to pay with gift cards with no cash on them. Insist they haven’t yet been used. Cry when you get the bill, but tell the waitress you’re glad she tried to help.
• Suggest your waitress consider med school.
• Ask for a comment card. Draw a flattering picture of your waitress. Underneath, write a caption underneath like, "This does Suzette no justice," or, "Way better than your dessert selection."
• Pretend you’re on "Mad Man" and smoke gum cigarettes throughout your whole meal. Ask for ashtrays. When your ashtray fills up with imaginary gum ashes, ask her to kindly empty it and bring it back.
• Send back the soup on the grounds that it's "too soupy."
• Sing “Dead On Arrival” when she drops of your entrée.

Leave her a 20 percent tip. She deserves it, and she’s got a car, rent, and cat food to pay for.

Do you wait tables? What horrible things have customers done to you?

Related post: 20 Ways to Annoy People