Committee of Cool: Adam Lambert

Well, the general consensus on last week's Metro Station post was extremely helpful and musically relevant. It seems that A: some of you adore Ritz crackers, and rightly so; B: some of you loathe the buttery snack food with an inexplicable ferocity, and C: some of you enjoy the crispy carbohydrates only when paired with a variety of toppings, including, but not limited to, peanut butter, ice cream, Reese's cups, Andes mints, lame cheese, and guy-liner (that last one may seem randomly placed and absurd, but you’ll see the method to our madness in 3, 2, 1…) And on the subject of guy-liner, which we've so smoothly and subtly segued into, here's a little background on this week's Committee of Cool contestant:

-He was the runner-up on the 2009 season of American Idol
-Even Simon Cowell likes him, and Simon Cowell is the meanest person in the world except for Emily Winter, who is meaner.
-He probably loves Ritz crackers, because, let's face it, they're pretty good (unless you eat them in bulk 7 days a week and continually find yourself covered in cracker dust and too dehydrated to even cry about the sorry state of your existence, which has definitely never happened to us, ever).

Who is this mystery man, you ask? You would know the answer to that question already if you had read the title of this post, lazy-butt. But in case you skimmed over it in your uncontainable excitement, here’s the low-down:

Music Selection by: A Sparkler (whose name we can't remember and we are ridden, RIDDEN with guilt about it. If you are the Sparkler of whom we speak: WE'RE SORRY. We owe you a pack of chewing gum, and a complicated high-five).

Artist: Adam Lambert

Song: If I Had You

TRANSCRIPT OF LIVE CHAT:

Emily: Have I joined the chat?

Emma: I love Cheezits too, you jerk.

Emily: Where am I?

Chelsea: IS THIS WORKING?

Emma: Especially the Tabasco kind.

Chelsea: You're the jerk, jerk.

Emma: Great.

Chelsea: Tabasco is dumb.

Emma: Anyway—

Emily: What did i misssss?

Emma: Look at Chelsea's mean status.

i hate emma and emily and i wish i had an entire box of cheezits because they are great.

Chelsea: I made that eons ago. You guys never pay attention to me. Probably that’s how Adam Lambert felt and now he wears really nice makeup to get noticed.

Emily: Do you leave it up, even on Not Tuesday?

Chelsea: It is up every single day of the week.

Emma: Do your friends think we're monsters??

Chelsea: No one I know is on Gmail, loser. I never have ever used it except for live chat.

Emily: My friends call it the G and I HATE THAT. "Oh yeah, I saw him on the G."

Chelsea: Are your friends in 8th grade?

Emma: BLECH. Chelsea, your friends are the ones who are in 8th grade!!!!! What do they use for email, Facebook?

Chelsea: SHUT UP GRANDPA! Grandpa keeps sneaking into these gchats. I hate running into grandpa on the G.

Emma: I want to hear what email your whippersnapper friends use. I'm genuinely curious. Now bring me a Fiber One bar.

Chelsea: Grandpa, you can be so dumb. My friends don’t use email. IT'S CALLED A CELL PHONE.

Emily: How do you write love letters without email?

Emma: SO YOU DON'T EMAIL AT ALL?

Chelsea: Oh, I email. But I use my college account.

Emma: All that proves is that you're a dumb baby. You'll need a real email for grownups soon.

Chelsea: That sounds really hard. ADAM LAMBERT, WHAT DO YOU THINK? TOO HARD? He thinks it’s too hard, he said.

Emma: Is he REALLY tall?

Chelsea: I don’t know. He wears a lot of platform boots.

Emily: Adam Lambert has one move in that video: The over-the-shoulder smolder. It's cool for like 30 seconds.

Emma: I like the way he blinks.

Chelsea: He is SO smoldery! I love his eyeliner!

Emma: Also, he stutters in a CGI way.

Emily: I hope he keeps stuff in his platforms. Like...more eyeliner.

Emma: More silver top hats!

Chelsea: Does my mere presence here imply that I would date him, or should I go ahead and state it?

Emily: No need. We figured.

Chelsea: This video is like Britney Spears meets the circus meets Lady Gaga meets Twilight meets a rave. SO MUCH TO LOOK AT.

Emily: How old is Adam? He's got such a baby face.

Emma: Born 1982.

Emily: Looks younger!

Chelsea: He looks like he's 22, which is my age, which is why we would be best friends/lovers.

Emma: Adam has "it" in spades.

Emma: He keeps "it" in his shoes.

Chelsea: He keeps "it" in his pantaloons.

Emily: Or his pants. Yah. That.

Chelsea: HAHA, BEAT YOU TO IT EMILY.

Emily: I hesitated because I knew how dumb it was to say!!!

Emma: The end of the video gave me a seizure.

Chelsea: EMMA QUIT LAUGHING OUT LOUD AT EVERYTHING EMILY SAYS IT MAKES MY INSECURITY MONSTER COME OUT. (ed note: we sit three feet away from each other, so we can hear each other's LOLs.)

Emma: I laugh at you too, monster! Back to my seizures. Didn't you find the flashing lights painful?

Chelsea: I didn't like the lights, they were tacky. Was everything supposed to look like Twilight? Didn’t it kind of? With the forest?

Emma: Yeah. It gave me horrible suburb phobia.

Emily: "If I had you, I wouldn't have to be at this forest party right now dancing with Edward Cullen, getting poison ivy and seizures from the flashing lights."

Chelsea: HEY, THAT WAS FUNNY! I am totally pretending I said that when I edit this.

Emily: I don’t think there were enough people at the forest party. In one shot, you can see that there are only like 12. And then nothingness. So... that's kind of a bummer.

Chelsea: Was that what the beginning was about? He was inviting people to the forest party? On his iPad?

Emma: I wish the whole thing were Adam getting ready to go out. Putting on eyeliner, drinking in the shower, all the usual things.

Chelsea: Yeah! I would totally watch that! I need to find a good waterproof eyeliner.

Emma: What did you think of his...

Emily: ......

Emma: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm (can't think of anything)

Chelsea: Pantaloons? FAB.

Emily: Hair!

Emma: I like it!

Chelsea: Hair? FAB.

Emma: His hair, I like. His pantaloons, I also like.

Chelsea: I like his snarling and his drama. He also has a very nice face. And I super-like that he abbreviates glitter as "litter."

Emily: Did you notice that people were tweeting about the party in the intro? No one, like, live tweets their way to a party. I am sorry. That is not realistic, kids! Wait, he abbreviates “glitter”?

Chelsea: Yeah, in like the 1st 2 lines!

Emma: I thought they were responding to am FB invite.

Chelsea: I like the tweeting. it made everything seem to current and edgy and fresh.

Emma: I can't type any more about that, I'm boring myself. Chelsea, you can't prove that he abbrevs glitter to litter.

Chelsea: (Emily, use your line here, about boring conversations!!)

Emma: I don't believe you.

Emily: DEATH AND BOREDOM. I think he says "leather," Chelsea. “Got the right amount of ‘leather.’"

Chelsea: Maybe. But that would suck.

Emily: What is the right amount of leather?

Emma: Did you know you can look up lyrics online?

Chelsea: GRANDPA, I SWEAR TO GOD. Let's pretend I’m right. You can never have too much leather. Or litter.

Emily: Yeah Chelsea look ‘em up.

Emma: http://www.songlyrics.com/adam-lambert/if-i-had-you-lyrics/

Chelsea: I’ll look them up, but it will take me at least 20 minutes. Emma, let’s race to see who can get the link first!!

Emily: It’s LEATHER. She already got the link.

Chelsea: http://www.songlyrics.com/adam-lambert/if-i-had-you-lyrics/ AM I TOO LATE?

Emily: You've got the right amount of litter, Chelsea. Adam has the right amount of leather. Which is I don’t know how much. 7 pounds? Of animal flesh?

Emma: Scroll up broccolihead, I already found the lyrics.

Chelsea: 7 pounds was that dumb Will Smith movie where he gave homeless people his eyes.

Emily: Right, that was the first time “7 pounds” was ever referenced.

Chelsea: How did we feel about Adam's.......dancing? Did he dance very much?

Emily: When he threatens to flat-line he dances. We should look for hidden symbols! In the video!

Chelsea: Hidden symbols yeah! Like what? Like in the beginning, he’s living in a trailer park? Is that a symbol for something? I think it is a symbol for trailers.

Emma: It's an "edgy" house.

Chelsea: I think it's a trailer.

Emily: I think you’re a trailer.

Chelsea: He does a lot of hip shakes. Not so much dancing though. I’d still date him.

Emma: I think the way he walks is funny.

Chelsea: Like Tyra Banks? He does a lot of hand gestures. I think he should be wearing more fur.

Emma: This video is making me mad now.

Chelsea: Because of the flashing lights?

Emma: He's a big star correct?

Emily: Yes.

Emma: It's so lazy to just film people in Marie Antoinette costumes dancing in a forest.

Chelsea: He apparently is very controversial.

Emma: This is a good one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Fqn9du7xo

Emily: Is he crying because Ikea forgot to deliver the accent pillows? To that couch?

Emma: I think because his mom's mean to him.

Chelsea: No, it’s because Ikea furniture is impossible to build even though it's supposed to be easy.

Emily: His mom’s not even around.

Emma: And the maid left the takeout containers on the counter.

Chelsea: His video life is in shambles. He was on American Idol! Do people still watch that? I stopped watching after Clay Aiken.

Emily: Didn’t Clay Aiken murder someone in his trailer?

Chelsea: WHAT?

Emily: Or, like, get her pregnant?

Emma: SEND A LINK!

Emily: Or something?

Chelsea: Murder and pregnant ARE NOT THE SAME THING , EMILY.

Chelsea: I think he’s like a surrogate mother. Except not at all.

Emma: I wish I got to star in a pouty music video.

Chelsea: I wonder who Adam Lambert would date if he could pick anyone? Ooh, Puck from Glee!

Emily: You, Chelsea.

Chelsea: EMILY, YOU ARE MARVELOUS.

Emma: He should date that one guy from NSYNC! They would make such a cute couple!

Emily: Lance Bass, birthday: May 4, 1978.

Chelsea: Are you reciting that from memory?

Emily: I’m checking to see if I'm right.

Chelsea: Maybe he could date Elton John?

Emma: 1979 but otherwise you are!!

Emily: Arg!

Emma: Elton John is an old granny.

Emily: I  loved him.

Emma: Not approps for Adam.

Chelsea: Maybeeeeeeeee Kim Kardashian?

Chelsea: Maybbbbbeee ZAC EFRON? I’d watch that music video.

Emma: I'm going to have Clay Aikin's daughter and name her Edwin.

Chelsea: HAHAHAAH awesome. I’m going to have twins and name one Frankenstein and one something cool, like Lightning.

Emily: Edwin Aiken?

Emma: You're right, it doesn't flow.

Emily: I have a friend named Edwanike, which is like the same. TWINS CANT HAVE TWINS. (ed note: Chelsea is a twin.) Come on. You know that.

Chelsea: UH, WHAT, ARE YOU A DOCTOR NOW?

Emily: It’s scientifically impossible.

Emma: What, really?

Chelsea: I already had twins, FOR YOUR INFORMATION. Put that in your science pipe and smoke it.

Emily: (No)

Chelsea: (I didn’t really have twins either)

Emily: Where did you put them? Boooo.

Chelsea: P. Diddy adopted them? Because they were his?

Emma: :/

Chelsea: GRANDPA YOU AND YOUR EMOTICONS CAN SUCK IT.

Emma: If he'd adopted them you'd own a lot more ring pop diamonds.

Chelsea: I have a diamond pop ring!

Emily: Sparklers: Chelsea just threw her ring at Emma

and it broke

and Chelsea acted surprised

and Emma was like “yeah, duh.”

Emma: One of the "diamond" pieces fell off.

Emily: I have told the Sparklers all about it.

Chelsea: Thank you for that narration, Emily. I am going to go sob in the bathroom.

Emma: Now you have no heirlooms to give your fake twins.

Chelsea: I will obviously not be changing my Gmail status to "Emma and Emily are my Cheezit BFFs."

Emily: Now I am hungry.

Chelsea: Me too! Time for cornflakes!

Emily: I am going to leave. It is time.

Emma: Yeah.

Chelsea: It is. This was a good one.

Emma: Yeah!

Chelsea: I’m going to leave first though!!

Emily Winter has left.

Emma has left.

Chelsea: GOOD I HOPE YOU NEVER COME BACK.

What do you guys think of Adam Lambert? How do you feel about Cheez-Its as compared to Ritz?

Related posts: The Committee of Cool: Jape, The Committee of Cool: Janelle Monae, The Committee of Cool: the Jonas Brothers, The Committee of Cool: Death Cab for Cutie, The Committee of Cool: Metro Station