Auntie SparkNotes: Boundary-Setting 101

How do you draw the line between being a friend and being a punching bag? —Sparkitors

Dear Auntie,

One of my closest friends suffers from schizophrenia and low self-esteem. He has his bad periods, which I think I've been very understanding about. I've known him for a couple of years, and last year he moved away. We kept in touch and stayed friends, but for the past few months the only messages I've gotten from him are about how miserable he is and about how unlovable he is. For a while, I tried comforting him and listening to him, thinking he just needed to adjust to his new home. Now he seems to be comfortable with his new environment, but he's still sending me messages about how terrible he feels. I feel emotionally drained. I want to help, but I don't think I can. I've suggested a few times that he try talking to a therapist about his feelings, but he dismisses the idea telling me it hasn't worked in the past, and it won't work now. I feel like his emotional punching bag. It's gotten to the point where he only tells me about the bad things that are going on in his life, and he doesn't seem to care at all what's happening in my life. I feel selfish for not wanting to talk to him anymore, but I don't know how much more I can take. The real kicker? I can't tell him that I need some space because he has a history of self-injury and has contemplated suicide. I'm afraid I'm going to push him over the edge. I don't know what to do. I feel like this is bordering on abuse, but maybe I'm overreacting. If you could please give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it.

The funny thing about this is that your friend, despite dismissing therapy as an unworkable waste of time, is treating you just like a therapist—i.e. somebody who serves as a sounding board for his problems without any of that pesky "reciprocal interest" stuff that most friendships require.

And the not-funny thing about this, is.... well, everything else.

First, a couple of facts:

1. Although it's natural to worry that this friend will react badly if you request that he stop using you as a dumping ground for his unhappiness, Auntie is duty-bound to remind you (and everyone else) that whatever he does is his responsibility. No matter what happens, you are never to blame when someone else injures himself. The person responsible is the self-injurer, and nobody else. Your friend's actions are not your fault. So while you should take care with your friend's feelings, you should also take care not to sacrifice your own well-being out of concern for "pushing him over the edge."

2. Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness, and while it can be controlled, it's important to understand that your friend will probably always be fighting an uphill battle against feelings of depression and alienation. He has to work a lot harder than most people just to be "normal," let alone happy and well-adjusted. So while it's great that you've been laid-back about his bad periods, you should realize that this friendship will require your continued understanding—and that for all the reasons you've mentioned (and a few that you haven't), it will sometimes be exhausting. It'll be up to you to decide how much energy you can invest, and to draw the line when it gets to be too much.

And as for how to deal with this now, it's time to stop suggesting therapy and start insisting on it. It's not your job to be his psychologist, and if this friendship is important to either of you, you'll need to make that clear. Telling your friend straight-out that he needs to seek another source of support might be difficult, but if he keeps leaning exclusively on you for help, you're both going to suffer in the long run.

So, the next time you talk, be supportive but straightforward. Say something like, "I care about you, and that's why I'm telling you this: You need to talk to a therapist. I can't be a repository for everything bad that you're feeling, and it's not fair for you to ask me to. It's more than I can handle. And it's not good for you, either, because you need more than just someone to listen. You need someone who can help you figure out ways to deal, so you don't have to keep being unhappy. You don't want to feel like this forever, do you?"

And after that, stand firm. If he persists in calling to dump on you, don't engage; come up with a gentle, standard way to rebuff the onslaught of misery and divert the conversation to another topic. (e.g. "Hey, remember how we talked about this? I'm sorry you're feeling down, but this is really something you should be talking about with your therapist. So, what are you reading these days?") If he persists, end the conversation. Be compassionate, but be clear. The idea is to set a boundary and enforce it, until your friend learns that you're not his emotional punching bag.

Your friend may not like this at first, but holding your ground is vital—not just to your own mental health, but to your continued friendship. When you give yourself permission to say "No," you give yourself a way to stop the relentless onslaught of negativity before you get so fed up and worn out that you bail on the relationship entirely.

Coping with an over-needy friend? Tell us about it in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com. You can also look her up on Facebook.