A N00b's Disney Adventure: Snow White

flunkybed recently started watching Disney movies for the very first time. This week, she reviews a classic. —Sparkitors

Disclaimer: This review is not going to be a good one. Crap does not deserve praise. Proceed at your own risk.

The movie opens with the audience’s ears getting slaughtered by Donald Duck on helium—aka Snow White singing. This chick needs vocal surgery bad. Her voice is higher than my fangirl friend when she asked me to see The Last Song with her. (Nicolas Sparks + Miley Cyrus = me crying over what humanity has come to.) Anyway, in the beginning, Whitey is screeching about her imaginary Prince Charming. And then—golly, what are the chances!—a dude on a horse magically shows up and stalks her. Yet for some reason, she screams and runs away. I don’t understand. Isn’t she getting what she just asked for? I imagine this sort of conversation happening with between her and her dad while he was still alive:

Dad: I just got you the new My Little Pony set!
Snow White: What did you do that for? I don’t want that! Go away! Get it away from me!
Dad: But you’ve been asking for it for the past two years.
Snow White: So? I just realized that they’re made out of plastic. I’m allergic to plastic.
Dad: Then how about some tater tots? You like tater tots.
Snow White: No! Potatoes scare me. They’re too... mushy! And brown! And bad for my perfect skin! [SOBS]

So after ol’ Whitey does her sweepy thing and sings (screeches) about her prince, Evil Stepmother is all “MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO’S THE FAIREST OF 'EM ALL” and the mirror’s all “HAHAHA NOT YOU! LOSER.” ES gets angry and smashes the mirror with a sledgehammer. And then she goes after Whitey and beats the vocal cords out of her. The end.

…Sigh. That’s what I wish had happened. Stupid movie.

No, unfortunately, the mirror tells her that Snow White’s prettier than her (why does she need a specially-designed mirror to tell her this?). So ES is pisssssed, ya’ll. Pissed enough to make the earth rumble and everyone quiver in their boots. She calls in a hunter dude and tells him to go cut out Whitey’s heart (WTF?) so the stepmother will finally be the fairest in the land. Oh, and to bring her heart back in a box. So, to review, the ES wants this guy to go after an innocent (albeit annoying) little girl, slice ‘n’ dice her up, and bring back her heart. No big deal, except that is sick and disgusting and twisted in so many ways, you mentally disturbed woman.

Cut to Whitey, who is singing and playing with some birds in a field, just like every other female does in her free time. Hunter Dude creeps up to her, raises his knife, and is about to stab her right when she turns around…

And her face is possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my short life. I burst out laughing in a completely inappropriate time and everyone is like SHHHH except I can’t really stop because her reddish-tinted eyes are bulging, her mouth is open, and she has Voldemort-slits for a nose.

She screams, and Hunter Dude basically tells her to run away, because he can’t bring himself to kill such a pretty girl. (Nice one, dude. Coulda fooled me.) The sequence that ensues is one of the most memorable from the movie. Snow White runs through a dark forest with creepy eyes glaring from everywhere, branches reaching out to her, etc. This is probably the only part of the whole movie that I can say I honestly enjoyed. (It’s also the only part where Snow White is scared, defenseless, and pained. This may or may not be a coincidence.)

She arrives at a clearing and cries for a while, which is understandable. If someone told me that my stepmother wanted someone to cut out my heart and put it in a box, I would probably cry, too. And then I would punch that person in the face. Anyway, apparently crying in the middle of a clearing is extremely attractive to animals, because all the animals of the forest flock around her and stare at her. Personally, if I looked up and saw a bunch of wild critters staring at me, I’d have the willies. But Snow White is delighted, because she is made of rainbows.

All the freaky little animals (naw, just kidding, they’re actually pretty cute) lead her to a house. She thinks it’s completely okay to stare in all the windows and, upon making sure no one’s home, break into this strange house.

Uh, that’s kind of illegal, dude. This whole freakin’ movie would be over if there were such a thing as the police in fairy tales. And this is a really great message to send to children: When stumbling upon a dark house, go inside and do weird things to other people’s property.

And then, even more strangely, she cleans the house with the help of the animals. If this were real life, she would get rabies and start frothing at the mouth. They should make a Happy Tree Friends version of this movie.

Cut to the dwarves, who I personally think are creepy little schmucks (with the exception of Dopey. If only he had a name that didn’t connote drug usage.). Oh, also? “Heigh ho” sounds just like “hi, ho.” Yeah. After watching this, I was all “Heigh ho!” to my friend and she’s like “Excuse me? Did you just call me a ho?” Thanks, Disney.

The dwarves come home after a day at work and find ol’ Whitey slumped over their beds. I dunno about you guys, but if I came home and found a strange chick in my bed, I would call the police… which, I forgot, don’t exist in this movie. Oh yeah.

But when they first see her, I have some faith! They’re all like “Dude, what’s this girl doing. Let’s beat her with a hammer,” except then they realize that she’s pretty (I’m still confused; how are Voldy-nostrils attractive in any way?) and stop themselves. Wow. See a pretty girl, and forgive her for unlawful intrusion, trespassing, and probably a whole slew of other crimes. This world is totally fair. Totally awesome.

Whitey offers to cook and clean for them in exchange for a place to stay. Really? That’s all you can do? You can’t shoot lasers out of your nose or anything? Just cooking and cleaning? Way to completely destroy this little thing we like to call feminism. Brb, banging head against wall. Do you guys sense my frustration with this film yet?

Cut to Evil Stepmother, who finds out the heart that Hunter Dude brought back isn’t actually Snow White’s; it’s the heart of pig. (Or something.) Pissed stepmother is pissed. She decides to kill ol’ Whitey herself, mixing up a concoction that she puts into an apple. Except it can’t actually kill her; it can only make her sleep for forever. (What. Is. The. Difference?) Oh, and she’ll come back to life with “true love’s kiss.” I really, really don’t understand why ES goes to all this trouble to make something that won’t even end up killing Snow White. Why can’t she just stab her? These characters have less sensibility than Lady Gaga. There is a bruise on my forehead from too much head-banging.

The dwarves leave for work, telling SW not to let anyone inside or to answer to door for anyone. So controlling, but they’re right: soon Evil Stepmother comes along disguised as a really freaky-looking hag (ah, improvement) and is all “LOL EAT THIS” so Snow White, being the genius that she is, lets her inside and takes a bite out of the apple. Doc specifically told her to beware of strangers, and then when a strange old lady came up to her and gave her a radioactive-looking apple, she ate it. Even I’m not that desperate for food. Where is her brain? Sure enough, she falls down.

But then the dwarves use their super-dwarfy-senses to figure out that Whitey is in danger (too late, guys) so they haul their arses back to the cabin, only to find her supposedly dead and Evil Stepmother escaping. And then, like true badasses, they chase her off a cliff. Nice. (No sarcasm this time!)

Next, everyone is all like SOB SOB WE DON’T HAVE A CLEANING LADY ANYMORE. And I desperately hope for this movie to be over. But, alas, the prince appears, opens Whitey's glass coffin, and lays a wet one write on her perpetually-asleep kisser.

Um, Prince? Where the hell did you come from? Aren’t you supposed to be off slaying dragons or something? And what the hell are you doing? This girl is supposed to be *dead*. It’s not normal to kiss dead people. Are you a necrophile? Get help, please.

And THANK FREAKING GOD THIS MOVIE IS FINALLY OVER.

I realize that I sound like a big jerk in this post, but I have reasons for all this hate. They are:

1) So much of this movie is singing and dancing about NOTHING at all. There was the beginning, where she was whining about wanting a prince. And then there was the cleaning scene. And somewhere in there they stuck a yodeling scene with the dwarves. (Last time I checked, yodeling didn’t impress girls. But being two feet tall and 90 years old didn’t either.) I’m all for song sequences. Song sequences are great. But not when a) they have absolutely no point and b) the singing brings pain to my ears.

2) What message does the heroine send? That girls should be beautiful, innocent, and have sunshine leaking out of every orifice? Oh, and also that they need to know how to cook and clean? Maybe this strengthened the whole “make me a sammich” movement. Maybe this movie was the catalyst for female oppression in 1950s middle class suburbia. I don't know. But Snow White is a pure and good character who I shouldn’t really be insulting because of all that pureness and goodness. So now I feel like an a$$hole. Thanks a lot, Disney.

3) The Prince had no personality and is useless. He was only in two scenes: the beginning and end. His part was unnecessary. You could have cut him out entirely and the movie would be almost completely unaffected. So what was the point of sticking in all those songs about romance and crap? Also, I hated how he just came in at the end and solved all the problems because of, like, his existence. It felt like a stupid plot trick. I felt cheated. It was like the writers were thinking of how to end the movie and one of them was like “Hmmm how are we going to give this a 'happily ever after’ ending?” And another was like “Eureka! How about we stick in that random prince we had at the beginning. He can act like a necrophile and all the problems will be solved. By God, I’m a genius.” …Okay, except that viewers who are looking for a movie that actually makes sense will be sorely disappointed.

However, I get that this was the first animation movie ever (or something like that), and it was brilliant and all that. Plus the fact that it was entirely hand-drawn is pretty amazing. So that’s pretty much the reason why I’m giving it any points at all.

The Verdict: 2/5 slices of cheese

What do you think of Snow White?

Related Post: Animated Throw-Down

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