An epic FAIL is the kind of episode people don’t easily forget. Remember that epic FAIL moment you had last winter? When you were the lead in the school musical and you got a bloody nose during your kissing scene? Now when you try to kiss someone in a real or scripted way, all you can think about is red ooze pouring out of your nostrils, and you get all self-conscious and feel like you’re going to vom. That sucks! What’s worse is that even if you manage to forget your epic FAILS, your friends and peers certainly don’t. Bloody nose jokes never get old to them.
Maybe you think you're safe now that it's summer. But freedom from school doesn't necessarily mean freedom from failure. Here are some summer FAILS to avoid.
SUMMER FAIL #1 Self-Tanning Disaster: While we applaud your efforts to tan in a safe and sunless environment, be careful. If you apply your tanner in a hurry, you'll wind up with orange tiger stripes. To avoid the streaky look, cough up the money to get a spray tan at your local salon.
SUMMER FAIL #2 Cracking Good Time (ummm…NOT): At the risk of sounding like your mother or a pesky lifeguard, we urge you be cautious when you’re at the pool this summer. We know you’re all about flips and giant cannonballs. But if you’re running too fast and slip on the diving board, you'll crack your head open. Not only will they have to close the pool all day, but you’ll need to head (get it?) to the emergency room. Even worse, following that incident, your mom will insist you wear Aqua Socks to get a better grip on the ground. No one will ever let you forget your pool footwear and your head stitches. We say stick to going down the slide.
SUMMER FAIL #3 Shedding Your Skin: There’s a reason why that Baz Luhrmann song really caught on in the 90’s: he was right when he said, "Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97... wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT." He put that advice above stressing the importance of flossing (which is a whole other issue for you) so obviously it's important. If you burn too badly this summer, not only will your skin eventually peel and look like dried glue, but because of your severe burn, you’ll be the only player in your softball league who needs to wear a hoodie when it’s 90 degrees out. You’ll be shivering and shedding all over the place, and soon people will begin to wonder if you are turning into a snake. Oh, and you'll look 50 by the time you're 31.
It's the first day of summer. Have you failed yet?
Related post: Summer Loving Movies vs. Your Messy Life
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