Life Lessons from a Disney Kid

By Contributor

June 17, 2010

ellielikespie, and we like Ellie's wisdom nuggets. That sounds gross. Nevermind. —Sparkitors

I, like most latchkey kids of the '90s, was raised by television. Disney movies, to be specific. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. Why? Because it prepared me for the real world. Here's how...

Lesson 1. When in need of advice, look to the closest inanimate object or non-human creature, for it will hold all the answers. Take for example Pocahontas. Po-Po is confused. What does she do? She looks to a tree. And the tree holds the answers to life. And don't get me started on Belle. Beauty and the Beast is just a maze of talking furniture. But we accept it because they give such good advice. I've been doing the same thing. Just the other day I was polishing my mom's coffee table. I looked deeply into the coffee-ring stain and said, "I'm lost...what should I have for lunch?" And that's when I knew. I needed something without trans-fat.

Lesson 2. Cleaning fixes everything. It also leads to singing. Why Disney has not come out with a line of cleaning products is beyond me. If they were smart, they'd put Cinderella and Snow White on the front of the bottle, giving cheeky smiles for the world to see. Then every child in America would do their chores because they would know greatness is just around the corner.

Mom: "DO YOU WANNA BE A PRINCESS!?"
Little Girl: *Sobs* "Yeah..."
Mom: "THEN START UNCLOGGING THE DRAIN IN MY BATHTUB!"

Lesson 3. Rodents and woodland creatures will always appear to assist you with Lesson 2. Now that I know this, I plan to fill my sister's room with mice.

Sister: *screams* "Ellie! Why are there mice all over my room?"
Me: *yells back* "I thought you might like Gus-Gus to help you make your be, but I can see, as usual, you're gonna look at this as a negative!"

Lesson 4. Always wait for a prince to come and save you...preferably when you're in a coma. I don't know what those feminists were yelling about all those years. This rule's set in stone. Crappy stepmom? Wait for a prince. Lost in the woods with seven little people? Wait for a prince. Crazy witch made you narcoleptic? Wait for a prince. I started paying attention to these movies and I realized I was living my life ALL WRONG. I recently went to my guidance counselor to remedy the situation.

Counselor: "Heya Ellie! What can I do for you?"
Me: *enthusiasm coming out of my ears* "Well, I'm very excited to announce that I'll be dropping out of school!"
Counselor: "What!? Why?"
Me: "Because I realized that I'm living my life all backwards. I'm going to go home and wait for a prince."
Counselor: "But Ellie, you're throwing away your future!"
Me: "You take that back, Mr. Jones! You don't know what you're talking about! It's what I'm supposed to do! I'm gonna go home, and wait for a prince who will sing ballads to me with the help of the birds! Then we will get married and live happily *dramatic inhale* EVER *gasp* AFTER!"
Counselor: *disbelieving stare*
Me: *marches home to find that house is on fire and sits on the grass* "I hope he comes soon..."