Pretty Little Recap: Episode 2

Memorandum:

To: ABC Family

From: A Pretty Little Liar Blogger

We, The Professional SparkLifian Bloggers of America, are writing to request free, unlimited use of on-set or press photos from your new TV series, Pretty Little Liars. We intend to publish these photos with our weekly recap of PLL so that we do not look like a tacky, trashy, desperate media outlet who can't get it quite right. You might know what that feels like.

We intend to use these photos to encourage young adults to view your show on our blog, SparkLife. We will do this by likening main characters to beaked creatures (what's funnier, duck or platypus?), talking a lot about Mom Sex, and making out with ourselves in the shower.

We hope this request will be taken seriously and handled immediately. We believe the fact that we didn't send this memorandum directly to you, but made you come to us on SparkLife to read it, proves that we are, in fact, a big deal. We expect you to act accordingly.

________

The tricky thing about last night's episode of Pretty Little Liars is severed heads. Just kidding! It's that nothing happens. In the first episode, lots of stuff happened, and so we were expecting lots of stuff again. But no. Let's take a closer look at all this non-stuff.

The four girls, Hannah, Spencer, Emily, and Aria are at a chic little restaurant talking about their dead friend, Ali. Hannah pulls out a flask and dumps some booze into her Coke. Or maybe her flask was filled with more Coke, and she was just adding Coke to Coke so her beverage never gets too watered down. We don't know. This show is full of secrets. Anyway, this blind girl, Jenna, walks in, and the girls get spooked and leave. We know from the last episode that Jenna has something to do with Dead Ali, but we don't know what.

The next morning, Aria's chatting with her mom, Ella, before school. Since when do TV moms get to have cool names like Ella? Wait, we can answer that with a theory: Moms get cool TV names if they are going to S-E-X at some point during the series. I mean, no one wants to see Nancy get her smush on, but Ella is a different story. We bet Hannah's mom's name is Lola Jane Naomi McSizzles, because Hannah's mom is a sex slave. But we'll get to that later.

Aria's family has been away on their dad's sabbatical for a year, and Ella mentions that Hannah's really slimmed down over the last 12 months. She says Hannah definitely didn't get her funeral dress at Curvy Girl. And then the dad walks by and says, "Who shops at Curvy Girl?" as if Curvy Girl is the most disgusting place on the planet, like it's a specialty retail store for buckets of toenails and severed heads. Not awesome, ABC Family. Not awesome.

The dad says he's going to be back late, and Aria gets mad because she's thinking about her father's previous indiscretions, which is a grownup way of saying he smushed around behind Ella's back. Then suddenly we're on Emily's front porch and her friend Maya comes over and has a sip of Emily's coffee. We're telling you this because this moment is very loaded. Because even though they're talking about coffee, they're thinking about each other's underpants. Because they are in love. Emily's conservative mom doesn't know that Emily's having coffee sex with Maya, so she invites Maya to sleep over for a few nights, and even says, "You can stay in Emily's room," which is unnecessarily specific, but it gives the girls the opportunity to make eyes at each other, just in case you didn't get any of the other 237 signs that they want to touch tongues.

Aria asks Mr. Fitz to let her transfer out of his class. He protests. Why? If she's out of his class, they can date! Maybe he got another girlfriend off the internet already, and he doesn't want to tell Aria. Maybe it's Lola Jane Naomi McSizzles. That would be hot. Anyway, we don't understand this scene.

Then Mona, Hannah's sidekick, says this, out of nowhere: "Okay, I'm all for boob jobs, but when I see those, I want to moo."

Ehem. Next we find out that Emily has boyfriend, Ben. When this ed was in college, one of her best friends made a short film about Bens and Emilys and how every Emily belongs with a Ben, and every time this ed meets a guy named Ben she gets really flustered and hides in the bathroom because he's her soulmate, obviously. But this Pretty Little Liar Emily is not so sure about her Ben, partially because she is a lesbian, and partially, we think, because her Ben is 10 percent clueless and 90 percent teeth. Yes, you read that right, 90 percent teeth. He's like the Jaws of teen guys, and Em is just not into it.

The four girls get called to the office and get a text from "A" that says, "Dead Girls Walking." The cop that got his nasty on with Hannah's mom in the last episode is there, and questions the girls about Ali's death. He says their alibis seem rehearsed. At lunch, the girls talk about how the alibi was rehearsed because they don't want to tell the cops that they'd been drinking the night Ali got dead because illegalsauce.

Then Jenna comes into the lunch room, and Aria invites her to sit with them because Aria's cool and nice, even though she dresses emo. Jenna acts creepy, like she knows something, and the girls have a flashback to a night, over a year ago, when they were hanging out, trying on clothes with Ali. Well, Hannah wasn't trying on clothes because that's back when she was "curvy." (And the way they made her look "fatter" was by putting her in a sweatshirt and making her wear her hair in a ponytail. Because everyone knows that ponytails add 10 pounds. What?)

Anyway, that night, Ali thinks some dude called Toby was spying on them trying on clothes and saw them nakedsauce, so she vows to get revenge. The other girls reluctantly follow her as she sets off a stink bomb in Toby's weird garage/apartment/secret laboratory/teen bachelor pad. BUT the stink bomb blows up, and makes Jenna blind. Why is Jenna in Toby's garage? Why does Toby have a bachelor pad at 15? Since when do stink bombs blow up? We cannot know the answer to these questions, because they are plot holes secrets, which is the theme of the show.

The girls snap out of their flashback, and get all get another text from the mysterious "A" at the lunch table. It says, "If only she [Jenna] could see how guilty you all look." The girls are like, "Woahhhh, commercial break."

Aria's request to transfer out Mr. Fitzhotness's class is declined. Why? We don't find out. Instead, Aria takes her seat in Fitz's class after showing him the declined form, and they stare at each other for 304 years. We aren't sure what's happening. Does this mean they can make out again? Can't? Can? Can't? Can? Can't? Happy? Sad? Can? Sad? Sad... can? SECRETS.

Next, Hannah's at home and tries to mack on her boyfriend, Sean, who is obviously gay. Hannah gets mad when Sean wants to stop kissing. Hannah, that's what happens when you date a gay guy. Take it from us. Then Hannah's mom comes home, and the evil police officer swings by with Thai takeout. The next morning, he's still there, telling Hannah's mom how to cook his eggs.

This is where things get confusing. See, Hannah's mom slept with the cop last episode to get Hannah out of trouble for stealing sunglasses. But now, why? She obviously doesn't want to mix with him. So why why why, Lola Jane Naomi McSizzles??? Surely, a pair of sunglasses is not worth mushing all these times plus eggs over easy. Why are you being a sex/egg slave, still? Sparklers, please help an editor out on this one.

Back at the ranch, Maya and Emily spoon.

Aria and her mom go to a quaint theater to see It Happened One Night. Guess what else happened one night? Mr. Fitz went to THE SAME MOVIE. Ella introduces herself and makes Fitzo sit with them. Aria looks like she's going to throw up. (She should probably have sat on an aisle, just in case.)

Ren is the British dude who's engaged to Spencer's sister, Melissa. Melissa is humorless and annoying, so Ren has been bonding with Spencer instead. On this particular night, Ren comes in Spencer's room and kisses her, which is wild because Spencer kind of looks like a platypus. Melissa catches them, and breaks off the engagement. Platy feels horrible.

Outside the mall, Hannah sees the cop guy and asks if he's following her. He is. He says he wants to learn more about the Ali murder case, and doesn't care about the stolen sunglasses. He also says, "Your mom may be hot, Hannah, but she's not hot enough to make that [murder case] go away."

Okay, these are some helpful facts. We know that LJN McSizzles isn't mushing the cop for fun. And now we know she's not doing it for sunglasses. And the cop says he's not doing it for the murder case because she's not quite hot enough to erase murder, which is fair, but then why is she doing it? Is there ANOTHER secret? One that's worse than sunglasses-stealing, but not as bad as murder? Like chicken abuse? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Next, it's raining, and Aria's walking home from a coffee shop without an umbrella. Her massive emo eyeliner doesn't drip AT ALL when Mr. Fitz passes her in his car. She sees him drive right by, and this ed almost cried. BUT THEN, he stops, she gets in, and they have hot, wet rain kiss. *melts to the floor* This ed wasn't jealous. Nope. Not in the least.

In the last seconds of the show, Spencer sees Jenna texting on a park bench. Jenna says, "Send text" because she's blind, and we all realize that Jenna is behind these creepy mystery texts. Because the music was ominous. So that's how we know. Don't question it, dude. It's the only solid fact we've taken out of this whole episode, okay?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stand in the shower with my pillow for the next three hours. Does anyone have an emo shirt and some eyeliner?

What did you think of last night's episode?

Related post: Should We Recap Pretty Little Liars?