Ode to the Pretzel Cone

Have you ever wished for something your entire life, and then walked into the neighborhood ice cream shop to see that your dream has not only been made a reality, but a reality that costs just a buck? Such is the case with the pretzel ice cream cone.

We’ll stop for a moment as your jaws have most likely hit the floor. Also, you’re drooling.

Are you OK? Then we'll move on...

To be fair, we don’t know who came up with this idea in the first place. A sorcerer, probably. Or maybe—and this is too scary to even talk about—we’re still dreaming, and pretzel cones don’t really exist. If this is a dream, please let us sleep a while longer. (And make us a hot dog omelet for breakfast. Thanks.)

Over the years, we’ve seen all type of ice cream flavors. Green tea ice cream, anyone? But cones have been left unchanged since their first introduction back in the Middle Ages when they were used as tiny, edible hats for dogs. (Or so our intuition tells us.)

For decades, we've put up with the traditional sugar cone and the newer waffle cone, which allowed us to scoop about eight pounds of ice cream into single serving. But the cones have always been the least favorite part of the ice cream experience. Eating the cone was like sitting through the credits after watching a terrific movie, or washing our hands after playing with a sick bird. We do it out of obligation, because it’s the right thing to do. Not because we enjoy it.

The pretzel cone, however, is a game changer. Everything is different now. The cone is no longer simply a crunchy napkin-flavored hunk of hollow starch. It’s a pretzel! A real, live pretzel! And do you know what’s awesome about pretzels? Everything!

Pretzels are delicious. They taste like home on a warm summer night. The rich golden brown color is as welcoming as it is exotic. The texture so smooth it catches the light and glistens like the joyous tear-stained cheeks of a child on Christmas morn. And the salt? Oh lord, the salt! Bricks of salt so large you can hold them in your first, like giant snowflakes that never melt.

So yeah. We dig pretzels. And we’d be happy munching on a pretzel cone all by its lonesome. But friends, these bronze-colored cups of majesty are topped with the sweetest, coldest cream imaginable. Not gas cream. Not even liquid cream. But ice cream!

The combination of pretzel and ice cream can only be described as beastly cosmic, a term we have no intention of ever defining. The sweet of the cream mixes with the salt of the pretzel in every beastly cosmic bite. If Cupid exists, this must be what his wings taste like. (Note: For no real reason, we like to think Cupid’s wings taste great and magical.)

Now, after experiencing the flavor of true happiness, we’re left wondering: What other things can be made from pretzels? Will someone make a forked-shaped pretzel for eating cheesecake? Can a brave scientist/magician conjure up a pretzel bowl for eating pudding? What must we pay for a pretzel straw that can be used to suck up milkshakes?

But perhaps we ask too much. Just as Cupid became greedy and flew too close to the sun with his delicious wings, we may be flying too high. (Note: We confuse Cupid with Icarus when we’re hopped up on ice cream and pretzels cones. We also call everyone Skippy.)

This summer, you owe it to yourself to find an ice cream shop that sells pretzel cones, and enjoy all of its beastly cosmic brilliance. Just don’t get the cotton candy ice cream. That blue crap is gross, Skippy.

Have you tried pretzel cones yet?

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